Elderly care at home or with daughter

[Tocken]

My mum is 88 yrs old and becoming more frail, her speech is very limited along with her mobility. Carers visit in pairs 4 times a day everyday. I travel to see her twice per week going for walks and manage all of her affairs, I am on the telephone daily with professionals. My sibling is retired and puts mum to bed twice per week to giver her a break for carers. I feel like I am struggling with the visits (30 mins travel each way) this doesn’t sound much but I seem to have little energy left after managing mums care plan/appointments etc. I work two days a week, have three children at home 15/16/21 yrs and my husband works shifts. I miss her terribly when I do not see her and I am wondering if I could move mum in with me? I would discuss this with everyone and think long and hard regarding the change to our family routine. We are under different authorities. Has anyone done this and how did it work out. Thank you.

I’m an OT with a lovely Mum and I’d urge caution around this.

Realistically she won’t get better. So even if she doesn’t get worse it could be years of hard graft.

There would likely be increased equipment and care needs.

I think it’s difficult to imagine the change in relationship from supportive daughter to full time carer.

If you are already feeling overwhelmed with the level of responsibility you have now for mum's affairs, having her with you full-time would perhaps not be in anyone's best interests. Being a full-time carer is all-consuming. You will have little to no time for your DH and DC, let alone yourself. Have you asked your DH and DC how they would feel about grandma moving in? It will affect everyone in the household, not just you. Every relationship will be impacted. And her needs will only increase over time. Don't rush into this.

My elderly mum lived with us prior to her death, she was half mobile, we adjusted the house (stairlift, removed rugs and things for wheelchair etc).

Pro's- we were able to spend loads of time with mum, she could be involved in our "family life", she wasn't alone.

Con's - we always had to give thought to doing anything, what about mum? We defacto changed our while lives to "care" for her, had she eaten, what does she need, washing needs doing, beds need changing, everything. Yes she has carers coming in, that can change to your house but every household member needs to agree.

Looking back id not change what we did, her life was extended and she wasnt alone, and we got that time with her; but it wasnt easy.

It all depends how dependant she is, Is she able to mobilise at all? How much support could you out in place, services could switch from her home to yours but everyone needs to agree.

Thank you so much for your response.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Thank you to everyone for responding. Lots to think about but I think I have decided to keep the care arrangements as they are.

Good - if she needs more care then I think residential nursing care is the next step. You would still need to be involved but you could visit her if she was nearby.

Anyone I know who did this has ended up on antidepressants. Surely your DM wouldn’t let you do this anyway? It’s not a life I’d want for my busy adult DC in the prime of life with jobs, lives and families of their own.

It’s a lot of work. Plus, how would your sibling feel having her role removed?

Thank you.

Yes this is something to consider and discuss. I’ve made my mind up and it is not going to work. Thank you.

Thank you.

Don’t do it, you’ll be trapped .