Will I ever get over this?

[Fmll]

So I split with my ex a few weeks ago after 15 years together and he is already with somebody new (a co worker) I am literally heartbroken and he just seems to have got on with his life. Ending it was the hardest thing I have ever done but he was literally never at home/various hobbies/nights, days out. He has already introduced her to the kids and they have booked a holiday! Meanwhile I am in a heap on the floor trying to process it all.

Sounds like he’s been with her a lot longer than the few weeks, she indeed was the hobby. It will get better but it takes a long time, counselling was the best thing I did, I recommend it.

The fact it's only been a few weeks and he's already booked a holiday with someone new and the kids means he either was seeing her already before you split or he's just trying to make you feel bad. It's sad he's got the kids involved which will be confusing to them. He doesn't sound very emotionally intelligent - is that something that came up in your marriage too?

Some people do just move on so much quicker than others. In my (limited) experience men tend to rebound sooner than women do.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way to move on from a relationship, but introducing a new partner this quickly is irresponsible imo

I'm sorry you're hurting, just keep reminding yourselves of all the reasons you ended it in the first place. It will get better 💐

He was seeing her whilst pretending to be out on his hobbies and you did the right thing leaving the dirt bag

It’ll sting for a while but ultimately you are better off

Also, ultimately as much as it hurts you left him and he has the right to do what he pleases now

I do not agree with her meeting the kids already.

I mean this kindly - he hasn't only just met her - this has been going on a while.

Give yourself time to cry and grieve the time you spent with them then drag your arse out, hold your head up and have some pride that you dumped him

You can do this OP

Very painful OP, and you were very brave and clear sighted to end it.

Much better to call time on his crap behaviour and make it your decision than to have carried on while he made a mockery of your relationship.

Because yes, I am sure he had her waiting in the wings and had already been
carrying on with her in some way. And its terrible behaviour of his to have introduced her to the kids etc. What a fucking weasel he is.

Painful as it is at the moment, yes, you WILL get over this, bit by bit, over time.

For now do whatever you need to care for yourself.

Have you got friends and family to offer shoulders to cry on?

I know it sucks but time heals. You’ve done the right thing. Some people can’t be alone so it might seem wonderful from the outside, but the reality is it’s early days and most likely won’t work out. Is there any way you can avoid seeing what he’s up to? Or distance yourself from people who want to tell you all about him for a little while? It won’t help you knowing his every move, it’s time to focus on you 💐

Yes, I know you’re right but it’s like I meant nothing. Ending it was the hardest thing I have ever done and with or without the new woman I’d still be struggling with it

I think things like this are like grief arnt they. I think, for some things, the hurt from it is still there but as time goes on your not living in that pain anymore. It still hurts when you revisit it, but you do stop carrying it with you

I do agree with PP that it's more than likely he was already seeing her. Most men are not able to move on that quickly ( lots of women don't want a recently single/rejected dad with kids in tow )

Men move on/rebound seemingly quickly, (if they have someone that will take them), but it's often because they delay the processing part (or even the thinking about it part). That part, in my experience, comes later in men. I'm guessing that's why every time, without fail, I've had men try to come back to me after about 6 months to a year. They always seem to just get on with it and try to come crawling back later.

I had one guy who seemed to be the exception... Moved into someone else and seemed to stay there... But then he tried to come back after 4 years! Just out of the blue, regretted his decision, had feelings for me, wanted to come back (whilst still being with the now-mother of his child at the time, same woman he'd moved on to...).

Women tend to process immediately, if not before the official end because they see it coming, and therefore seemingly take longer to move on upon the break up... But the difference is, once they've moved on, it's for good. Men move on first, ask themselves questions later.

Yes, it gets better. Honestly it will. It won't feel like it right now, but keep on doing what you do for the kids' sake - concentrate on yourself. Any news on your ex and what he's up to - say 'that's nice' and move on.

PS - don't let him back.

Some men have low self esteem and need woman’s attention and reassurance. He jumped from a 15 year relationship to this new woman to fill a ego gap he needed when you left

You are allowed to be upset, angry, hurt

But don’t let him win

Go and be better, enjoy your life

He will hate what he is missing xx

But he showed you how much you meant to him while you were together. He found time for the things that were important to him. He moved on mentally some time ago. That should prompt you to move on and find a richer and fuller life.

Although it has only been a few weeks he keeps being an hour or so late to pick the children up. He has told me he never wants to hear from me but I only call him regarding the children. If he was on time/stuck to things I would never have to?

On other posts I’ve seen people mention a parenting app for contact in this situation - might this help separate things and keep it to ‘stuff re kids’? And it’s fine for you to point out you won’t need to contact him extra times if he sticks to the arrangements. Sorry you’re having to deal with this @Fmll

Surely he knows this? He is making out like I am contacting him just because

Because if he can reframe it as "She just cant let go and is jealous that I have a new relationship so she keeps texting me with any little thing just to talk to me" then he wont have to admit that he is a flakey crap father that you are calling out on his lateness and unreliability.

Self obsessed and selfish. Wont be long before he is dropping weekends with the kids here and there and blaming the kids being upset on you. Ask me how I know......

ETA that I agree with PP that this woman (and possibly others before her) was the reason he was never at home. Were there periods when he would be home a lot more and then periods when you barely saw him?

I don’t think this helps. Why are women always told that he’ll regret it, “hate what he is missing” etc? All that does is give her some false sense of him eventually pining for her. It’s bollocks, otherwise all these divorced couples would get back together.

Id tell him that he needs to be on fucking time because I’ve no interest in ringing him and next time he’s unreasonably late I’ll be going out and getting on with my day, with the kids in tow. And I won’t be answering my phone because he’s been clear he doesn’t want to chat.

Yes this is it, he says I am a psycho, I really don’t think I am. Yes I have said some things to him when I was understandably hurt but I don’t think I am unhinged

What a knobhead.

Guaranteed he will do this to the next woman. Be glad you got out and you don't have to married to such an arsehole anymore.

You definitely will.

Ultimately, regardless of your reasons, you ended the relationship. So it's tough to justify being devastated when someone that you no longer wanted to be with wants to be with someone else, ya know?

It might not work, or it might work, who knows. You will heal, give it time.

Ah, he is one of those who always seems to have a "crazy ex". Did he have a crazy ex that he told you about by any chance?

No, I was his first girlfriend, we were 19 when we met

Well then the woman he is seeing now will be the next "crazy ex", thats what this kind do. It has to be you who is mad because otherwise its him who is a total shit.

They cant accept that they are the problem. I know someone like this. Every single woman he has had a relationship with has dumped him for the same reason (he is a selfish unreliable liar) but he says that they are all crazy paranoid bitches. He conveniently ignores that the common denominator is him.

You know what they say, if you meet one arsehole in a day its them that is the arsehole. But if all you ever meet are arseholes then chances are the arsehole is you.