BIL and paternity test

[Notyours1]

BIL has been in a very volatile, unhealthy relationship for the last four years or so. During this time a child was born. Relationship is very on and of. Wider family have probably met his girlfriend once. Anyway both BIL and her have addiction issues and not good for each other.

There has always been doubt about the child's paternity from BIL for many reasons. They had a huge argument two weeks ago and she threw him out of the house. BIL has now ordered a paternity test. He has however stated that even if the child is not his he still wants to be in their life and he won't tell the child or mother of the child the truth.

Myself and DH think the whole situation is wrong on so many levels.

So? It's between them isn't it? On the face of it, it's not unreasonable for BIL to want to know if he's the father.

What’s the point / question?

I don't get what you are asking? But it seems to me it is none of your business.

I think morally it's wrong to not let the child and mother of the child know if he is not the father. Down the line it could cause some major repercussions.

That’s really up to him.
I’d keep your beak out.

It is likely that the mother does know.

Your BIL has a right to know - see what happens after he does the test.

Hopefully these 2 individuals will act in a mature and responsible way to put the child's interests first whatever the result.

But it is up to them. You can only guide / make suggestions and should keep your judgey pants in the wash basket.

I would love to keep my beak out but BIL keeps involving us . He also has other children who he has not seen in five years ( myself and DH still see them). They too need to know if they actually have a sibling. Due to locations, its very possible they could run into each other in the future.

It's just one big mess and will only get messier the older the child gets.

The mother would surely have some idea he might not be the father ?
I think he jas a right to know.

It sounds like a chaotic, toxic mess. Stay out of it.

The mother already knows.

I think it is up to him whether he tells the child and Mother.

Stop excusing keeping your beak in!
It is none of your business.

I don't want to bond with a child who could potentially be another man's. It's also not fair on his existing children.

It's a credit to him that he's not planning on instantly dropping a child who views him as their father and loves him as such.

If the relationship with the mother is incredibly volatile then I can understand him not saying to her (because she is the person who will already know there is at least a question over parentage) and risking her banning him having contact.

And the sibling issue is at least not hiding the possibility of being related - that when children could cross paths as teens or the likes is a much riskier issue.

Leave him to deal with it in his way.

Surely you already have some attachment to your niece nephew since they are 4?!

If your bil met a women who had a 6month old baby (whose biological father had no contact)... and BIL stayed with this woman for the next 20 years you are saying you'd have no interest in that child / woupdnt see them as family and want no relationship with them?

What a family....!!!

You are inserting yourself and need to stop.

This isn’t a blood relative to you either way, so what difference does it make?! If you love the child, be a part of its life. If not, don’t.

If BIL is in such a volatile relationship then he may bring up the truth in one of their next fights regardless of his intentions now so I genuinely wouldn't worry about it. If he goes through with the test and there's some kind of ramifications for you then you can deal with it as it happens, until then you're just getting yourself worked up over potential drama.

It sounds like it’s not about BIL as he has said he will be a father to the child no matter what. It’s about you not wanting to be family to a child that isn’t biologically related to your partner. Any of the other children in your life except your own could have a different father to the one bringing them up. There are plenty of threads on here about people who are very upset that their children in blended families get treated differently for having different blood to the person raising them. I don’t think you can pick and choose who is part of someone else’s family. It is surely for your partner to decide whether they accept the whole of that family or none of them

OK, so here we come down to the crux of it.

It is really their business. Leave them to it.