Dont know why I feel the bad one

[maybeinanotherlife06]

Hi this is pretty long but thankyou if you can get to the end .

been with my boyfriend two years . It’s been very rocky me leaving quite a few times due to his behaviour . Im against drugs big time . And that’s been the main problem . Drink drugs porn abuse I could go on and on . Also porn is a deal breaker with me. He was severely addicted to the point he couldn’t get it up with out viagra . Could only finish if he wanked and he was watching porn on his phone when we were having sex . When I found this it it broke me. And I still havnt got over it . He would lie constantly about everything but continue to do it . He drank nearly every day , night . Day as even in work . If it wasn’t for his addictions and people he surrounds him self with he could have had a really good life . When hes drunk he would cry and say all these things and say that he wished he met me years ago . He woundnt be where he is now ect but obviously he still messed up when I was there .

he would not come home from work . But be getting drunk and high on drugs . He would lie saying womt be long just leaving work now and I woundnt hear off him till the next day and because I was upset he wouldn’t want to see me for days and totally ignore me. He has been on antibiotics for three weeks which ended last week and it was the happiest and most content i have ever felt wirh him . He was a complete different person . And I loved it . They ended last Wednesday and by Thursday he was drinking again . Saturday he drank in work then opened a can as soon as he picked me up to go get an Indian. I had a go at him for drink driving again but he made me feel bad again saying thats all I do is put him down so I stopped . We got food and we both had about three mouth fulls before his friend . A drug dealer and druggy phones him . This was 11 pm. He had done something and wanted my boyfriend to go get him . Up he got and said I will be half hour I promise Im not going to do anything . He turns up 7 am off his face . He lied first of all. Then said he’s been drinking and on coke all night . I started crying because why would he do this again. It is the first time I have actually seen him sorry but it’s not good enough . He did shout at me before he seemed sorry and said why does me doing this affect you . I said thats all I need to know . And I left . Before I left he was saying he was going to kill himself . Same stuff as usual. Then the first time ever he text me and said Im so sorry I honestly am . Iv been nothing but a mess since leaving . I miss and love him so much . But this ain’t the life I want . Or finally realise I deserve . Hes a good person deep down . I wish he could sort himself out one day and be happy . Am I being unreasonable to call it a day after this ? I feel awful . But so much has gone on really bad things and I have always gone back . But I know I csnt this time . By the way he is nearly 40 not in his 20s like this could sound . Thankyou

This guy is broken… and now so are you - because of him.

Just concentrate on fixing yourself and learning how to protect yourself from people like this, in the future.

It sounds like he actually hates you. Absolutely none of this is love.
You cannot live your life this way, it'll destroy you. Please. You really can't.

First time I have actually admitted this but I put myself through all this because I know if I don’t go up there when hes like this he just disappears for days and ignores me and just takes drugs . And I can’t cope with it anymore

If it's a dealbraker why are you still with him

Who cares what he's doing. The important question is what are YOU doing? What age are you OP? This is very sad.

I do hate where I am in life right now . But I just kept thinking one day he will change . But we are two years in . I had a good life before I met him. My ex had bi polar and was hard work too live with on times . He wasn’t physically abusive . Maybe a few times but was more emotionally abusive. Apart from that when he was stable everything was perfect . Money was no worry , we had lovely holidays a few a year . Little weekend breaks , always out for meals .we were together 11 years and he told me I had to choose between him and my boy . He was jealous .I ended it with him because when I had my dog I felt like I had a love I needed with out anything being taken away from me or expected of my or being hurt . I love my boy more than life . He saved me really . I know none of the above is important . But the ex Im on about in this thread doesnt want to do anything at all . No meals , no holidays nothing . He’s been single his entire 20s and one short relationship in his 30s . He said it was because he wanted to focus on his daughter but I think hes lying and hes always been the way he is and these other girls were wise and left at the start

Because I still love him. But I know I can’t go back this time . I am trying my best

Dear OP. You are in an abusive relationship. Please contact Women’s Aid. I wish you all the best in taking your first steps to life feeling so much better. 💐

Get away from him and look after yourself.

I could say so much more. It’s actually oddly nice for people to think I havnt done anything wrong to deserve this . And what he is doing and has done is wrong

I got with him at the start because he made out he loved animals . And walking . He lied about both. Im forever saving injured animals . And now he goes mad if I do saying I only do it for people to think Im a good person . Iv been like this my whole life . And as for going for nice walks . The only time he agrees to come is if I let him bring alcohol. This could be 10 am for a beach walk ! Or anywhere really . Also I had so many people saying that he will never change , he takes drugs in work and all the time , hes a drunk , and he will ruin my life . This has come from his friends and family . But I did see the good in him . But I do now think he is too far gone 😔

I voted YABU as you, a mother, are exposing YOUR CHILD to this abusive individual and don't kid yourself that you are protecting her from him. Do the right thing and end it right now and don't look back.

Your self-worth is in the toilet, dear @maybeinanotherlife06

It’s like you feel that his behaviour is all your fault. It isn’t your fault. You deserve a million times better than this vile excuse of a human being. Leave and do not look back.

We havnt got any children together Thankgod . My daughter is 21 . And his daughter 19 by both our first relationships

You've only been together two years and he's always been like this, so I really find it hard to understand how you can love him. You have to develop those feelings over time and if he's been like this from the start, how could that happen? Love is just a word, not a magic spell and it does not bond you to anyone against your will. Take action and get shot of this guy. Focus on you and your family.

Thankyou for replying . I am in work so will try to reply to everyone soon . Deep down I think I know why I always end up with men like this . My childhood was awful . Loads of violence , different men , violent unstable mother . I always think I can fix people .

@maybeinanotherlife06

I say this with the kindest intentions but nobody with any self respect, self worth or self love for themselves would be in this situation.

You are worth so much more.

You need to work on yourself so that you wouldn’t even think twice about letting this person into your life.

Love yourself more than you love him.

Get yourself some therapy, order some self help books and ditch this absolute drain on society.

I think you need to end this relationship as safely as possible and then do some serious therapy while remaining single. Put yourself first for a solid 2 years minimum before getting into another relationship.

Im so sorry this is happening- you don’t deserve it.

100% leave. No question. I thought that within a few lines of your first post. You deserve better. You sound sound like a lovely person and have had some really awful life experiences. You said you like to take care of people and the thing to focus on now is taking care of you. All the energy you’ve poured into this relationship, you now need to pour into yourself. As soon as you are out of this relationship you will feel lighter. I’d suggest seeking counselling of some kind to understand your own behaviour and how to identify and respond to unacceptable behaviour from others. I’m really sorry you are having such a tough time. This man is not your responsibility in any way, shape or form. The only way a person can overcome addictions is through their own decision. You can’t live a life being on edge all the time. You deserve peace. Do you have family or friends you can speak to? You need to get out physically so you can disentangle mentally. Sending you a huge hug. These things are so hard when you are in it. But there is only one option here and that is to leave him.

He is wrong. Men are not all like this. He is the exception not the rule. My DH doesn’t abuse me, drink to excess, do drugs or watch porn.

His daughter may technically be an adult but 19 is still very young. It’s disgusting he’s using her to manipulate you and dreadful that she’s being exposed to his alcohol & drug abuse. What an example he’s setting her. I’d run a mile based on that alone.

You say that your childhood was awful with different men in your mother’s life, this has clearly affected you. Don’t go on to model an abusive relationship to your own daughter now.

You cannot fix him. You are not responsible for his wellbeing.

This man does not love you. His primary relationship is with his addictions. Don’t walk, run. You deserve so much more than this.

I think the freedom programme would be really beneficial. You're having lots of good advice on here but you are just using the post as a sounding board..I get that and I hope it's making you see things for what they are but I'm not getting the feeling from your responses that anything is sinking in. You need to leave. Block. Delete him from your life entirely and focus on how you make different decisions moving forward. Dwelling on the past and past situation isn't going to help you now. Whilst we are all hear to listen you need to also listen to what's being said by others on here.

You have put yourself.into saviour position. (Likely because of your childhood).You can't fix him, only he can do that. Ask yourself this, if he won't change himself, how do you expect to change him? The only person who can help him, is him. And even at that, it would take years of therapy and addiction work. Yous are not a match, definitely not compatible, and he will drag you down having the most significant affect on your mental health, your relationships and your future. End it. Walk away. Change all your contact details and get yourself to womens aid to a counsellor / freedom programme and later on, therapy for your childhood. Fix yourself, not him! He is not the best you can do.

Got yourself a right peach there haven't you OP?
Why not have a couple of kids with him as well.

Come on OP you can't seriously think this is a relationship?
Look after yourself and raise your bar

You can have a nice life.

You have all the ingredients you need. A job, a home, a child, enthusiasm for the fun things in life, a love of animals, awareness of how your past can affect your present…it’s all there.

It’s as if you have a beautiful cake mix, full of good ingredients, just about to go into the oven…and then you let that absolute waste of oxygen come along and take a big shit in it.

Stop letting him. Your beautiful cake does not need his input. Or anyone else’s.

Maybe one day someone decent can come along and put the icing on it 🙂