Gift cards

[shinythingspaperrings]

My sister has a slew of undiagnosed, untreated MH issues and addiction problems. I say this as context.

we aren’t close. She wants nothing to do with me unless she gets whatever she’s looking for. I’ve always stepped up for her 5 kids with gifts and toys. Because I don’t believe they should be told I don’t care about them. I very much do. In the past, I’ve bought food, clothes, petrol to help them.

Last Christmas and birthday she couldn’t get me any ideas for 3 of the kids and I ended up doing gifts for some and Amazon cards for others. She kicked off.

this year, I asked, she told me she didn’t have ideas for birthdays and couldn’t think about it. She only thinks in 3 day cycles and doesn’t engage outside of that. If she has a diary clash, she cancels the preplanned event every time because it wasn’t in her 3 day plan.

so going forward, I said gift cards only. She blew up.

was there a better way to have handled this? Mum says I should work within whatever she feels like every day.

if she does give ideas they are generally over budget and when I decline, she kicks off because she’s decided I can afford £40 per child. I haven’t got £200 for extended family gifts. Her exact words were that her other family deserves to give cheaper gifts because she knows my financial situation. (She doesn’t know squat. We have a huge mortgage on 1 income and are both severely disabled.)

the budget is £20 per child EXCLUDING postage. Children I maybe see twice a year.

To add, her eldest always selects his own gift. The others are too young to

She's lucky and should be grateful that you are getting her children gifts/cards. I don't really understand what her objection is? Either way, I wouldn't allow her tantrums to influence you, although I'd bear in mind that if she doesn't help the younger children to redeem their gift card then you're just wasting your money!

No one is entitled to a gift and the giver decides the budget.

It's tricky because if she doesn't help the kids use the gift cards then they are probably wasted. Cash could well be spent by her and not for the kids too. Do you trust her to give them their money?

Do they have to be posted? Obviously if you're too far away you have no option.

I'd be inclined to buy 5 chocolate selection packs and sellotape £10 to each. A perfectly acceptable gift when there a 5 children to buy for.

If she complains just tell her you won't get them anything next time.

I am an hour away, but one of the reasons I sort Christmas early is to pass to a relative I see regularly who is local to her.

cash is a no no. She has form for buying drugs with it.

that said, her eldest is 14. I give him cash because I usually agree to cash to chip in to a huge present from us all. I write the value in the card and I phone him directly to confirm the cash is in there. To be fair, he sorts himself out in terms of what he’d like.

is £20 reasonable for everyone?

her objections are that her kids want to open a toy and play on the day. I refused to hand her £100 in gift cards in advance because she’s likely to spend it on herself. And she said they won’t understand gift cards and she won’t teach them.

thank you for your help!

Just send them a small Lego set, a book and some craft bits/stationery.
That gives them plenty to do on Christmas day.

I do like your username @Needmorelego😄

I’m struggling to understand what you are trying to achieve. If you want a relationship with her children, I don’t see you achieving that by buying gift cards and having them delivered by someone else. To a child that is meaningless.
If you don’t want a relationship with them, why are you even bothering with gift cards?

I suggest a general re-think, driven by what your objectives are.

I do want a relationship. If I don’t provide for them, I don’t see them at all. Buying something means an occasional visit.

A visit, which according to my mum, they talk about for months. Because they love visiting us and our animals.

In that situation I would definitely prefer to send a toy over gift cards, in ensures the kids have somethingto open. If she doesn't give you any ideas, just pick something age appropriate think the kids will like.

If you want a relationship with them, start with that. There’s an older child. Can you communicate with them? E-mail, phone?
Can they tell you what their siblings are into?
Can you deliver gifts yourself?

Can you organise an occasional FaceTime with them?

Work that out. The rest (gift cards vs toys etc) will follow.

I’ve never thought of asking the eldest for help!

I can’t really deliver myself, their mum won’t allow visitors if she’s having a quiet day and she’s cancelled plenty of times because she’s overwhelmed. Plus, there’s limited wheelchair access to her house

Unfortunately I am at the stage where I don't need more of it 😂😂
I might have to change my name to "needmorestoragespace"

When we were little kids a relative used to buy us an annual pass for the zoo. Multiple days out a year with no need to make the most of it and spend the whole day so we got huge value out of it.

You could do something similar with very small stocking toys/stuffed zoo animals or similar depending on where they live

lovely idea generally, but unfortunately would require a parent to take the kids on the day out, pack lunches, sort transport etc. which is not something a drug addict is necessarily going to do, so will end up being a waste. I'd go with something the kids can enjoy independently at home.