To struggle to move forward?

[PinkKoala12]

I found out 2 months ago that my partner of 2 years was talking to another woman. She had contacted him on social media, complimenting his looks & it then became flirty. Their interactions only lasted 2/3 days before I found out & there wasn’t anything majorly sexual and no chat about meeting up irl. Although I'm sure if they’d continued chatting it would have led to that.

He seemed genuinely remorseful & accountable and he still brings up what he did, assures me he would never hurt me like that again & that he’s so sorry. He has allowed me to instigate conversations about it whenever I’ve felt it necessary or I’m thinking about it etc - without becoming frustrated and wanting me to move on.

However, I’m really struggling to not feel paranoid he will do this again. He’s on good terms with his ex & hasn’t done anything like this before (which weirdly is also quite hurtful). Is this normal? Is it true that once a cheat, always a cheat? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

This is difficult to judge without knowing more about him. Obviously the conversations were not okay, and that alone is a good enough reason for you to not trust him. Him bringing it up is a bit of a red flag for me, it makes me think he's bringing it up to test how you react. It's good you can talk about it with him but again, are you doing it to get a reaction or apology from him? What does it do to help you?

It's good he's on good terms with his ex, assuming it's not too good! I understand what you mean by it being hurtful that he hasn't done it before.

Ultimately the question is do you think he will do it again? Because you can handle one incident if you're perfectly reassured after that it won't happen again, but if you have doubt in your mind then I don't think that doubt ever leaves tbh. Especially if you think that conversation would have continued if you didn't find out. How did you find out about it?

Thanks for the response! I think he brings it up to acknowledge he messed up & he’s so sorry & will never happen again. I believe that he truly believes he won’t do it again, however, I can’t help but think if he could do it once, what’s stopping him doing it again?

I think woman’s instinct. It was on TikTok they spoke & she had commented a heart on one of his videos and he had uploaded a video using a song they both liked & tagged her in it. Worth noting, he denied everything so she sent me the screenshots of their conversation.

I hate how juvenile it all sounds, but sadly that’s the reality right now. I just don’t know how I’ll ever trust he’s not messaging someone else. He phones all the time when he’s out / working / I’m working, he logged into his social media on my phone (I told him not to, but he wanted to as a reassurance) but even that makes me sad as I’ve never been insecure before this, and now I feel so paranoid. He’s a really good partner in all other respects. He’s so good to me & genuinely does everything for me, which is why it’s not as black & white for me to leave I think. I really appreciate the response.

This is just my view, but I would let it go this time, and try and move on.
You don't say initially whether she is an ex, but you do say that later.
I am not sure if this is better or worse, for someone that you spent a lot of time with and they can easily contact you, and it flatters, then there is sometimes a thing that you might answer (hopefully, in a non-committal but friendly way). You have to remember that he chose you over her, and he seems keen to keep you from your second paragraph. If it is a stranger, then it is slightly weirder. If he has not instigated the contact, then that is also a thing in his favour. I think you are right to feel a bit unnerved, but he has done his best to reassure you, and if everything else is fine, you could easily tie yourself up in knots of insecurity that maybe are not warranted. After saying that, if there is a re-currence, then more to discuss. Hope this helps xx

It's juvenile on his behalf, not yours. It's completely understandable for you to feel this way- don't let him or his actions convince you otherwise!

I think it sounds like he's easily tempted. If all it took was a comment for him to get in touch with her, what would happen if someone came up to him in person?

It's good that he's open with his social media, and that he stays in contact with you, but that's not a foolproof way of keeping an eye on him, and if anything I'd think he could be doing that to reassure you or put you off being suspicious. And he could have different accounts on his phone.

It's obviously up to your judgement, but if I was in the same situation- a relationship of 2 years, all it took was a tiktok interaction, he was clearly very keen, and now is over the top open with certain things. I don't think I'd trust him again tbh.