Have I made a mistake/wrong decision?

[rosesarentred3]

A couple of years ago, I ended a relationship where I believe my ex-wife was incredibly abusive. There was a lot of control. I posted on here at the time and received a lot of support.

we are now divorced and we have a three year-old child together who I gave birth to.

It was a really long and very hard process. And coparenting is incredibly difficult with my ex.

I now live in a house with my daughter. I also had our dog. When I ended the relationship, my ex told me that she would have my dog put to sleep. It was likely punishment because I ended the relationship. So I took the dog but I didn’t actually have a house to go to. I was moving between places with my dog and daughter until I eventually got a house.

So I now have my own house with my daughter. But as soon as I moved into this house, my dog died. And it absolutely broke my heart.

Over the last couple of months I really felt like I wanted another dog. So I started applying to adopt a dog. I mentioned it to my ex one day when she was dropping off our daughter and she spent 25 minutes telling me how it was a bad idea.

Basically telling me how incompetent I am, I won’t be able to look after the dog, that the stress will be too much for me, that it will be damaging to our daughter. On and on with a million different reasons. telling me I need therapy to work out why I think I want a dog etc.

Which actually felt very similar to when I was pregnant and she was telling me that I shouldn’t have maternity leave. If I replace the word ‘dog’ with ‘baby’, it was pretty much the same conversation.

Anyway, I have now adopted a dog. He’s only been here for three days. But I keep feeling like I’ve made the wrong decision. I really need a simple, easy and calm stable life for a while because I haven’t had that at all and it’s taken me a really long time to process what happened in the relationship while still coparenting with her.

there’s all sorts of things that’s making me think it could have been a bad decision such as, the dog has separation anxiety, his muddy paws everywhere that I keep cleaning after he’s been out, but my settee etc are still getting filthy. I’ve ordered some other paw cleaning products.
He’s very anxious and nervous which is understandable and I am very patient but it just feels like another thing to do. Doing all these things for him and it’s only been a few days.
He is absolutely adorable, and my daughter loves him

but the day I got him, my daughter was telling my ex how much she loves him, and my ex started having a go at me telling me that I’m putting a dog before her child. She always says her child. She forgets that I gave birth to her And that she is ours.
She’s always spreading lies about me to people, mainly criticising my parenting. But I’m just feeling really low at the moment and It’s really getting me down.

and to clarify, nothing or no one Comes before my daughter. If anything, my ex changes the childcare arrangements every single week because she makes plans to go out on the nights that she supposed to have our daughter. And I’ve never done this ever.

Putting aside your ex. I’m not sure getting an anxious and very nervous rescue dog when you’re a single parent of a 3 year old who wants a calm and simple life is a good idea. Did the rescue know you have a 3 year old child at home??

Hi OP. I agree with above, not sure a rescue dog so soon after such a stressful time is a good idea, must be hard going with a 3 year old too.
I think it’s normal and quite common to feel conflicted and to feel like you’ve made the wrong choice with a new dog regardless of whether your ex comments or not. It’s a big lifestyle change, but three days is nothing in terms of settling in for a dog, it takes weeks to adjust properly. You, DC and the dog both need to adjust to the change.
I think if I was you I’d establish a really good routine with the dog and DC and give it a really good crack before re-evaluating my decision.
also I think you should limit what ex knows about your life choices that aren’t relevant to parenting, you don’t need to defend adopting the dog to her. Wishing you luck

I think you're giving your ex too much time and information about your life, I'd keep handover s short and sweet, "so busy today, gotta go" the dog I feel sad for, but that's your decision to make,

It sounds like your ex is insecure and doesn't want DD having another reason to love being at your house.

On the muddy paws front, you'll get them trained to stop so you can wipe their paws. It won't take long if you're consistent at doing it and a dog can be amazing company.

She sounds despicable. I hope everything works out with your dog. It might take a little while.

It all really depends if your feelings are anxiousness because your ex has put you on edge or if you’re worried about having the dog (see a ten zillion threads on mn because owning a dog is horrifically difficult alongside a child). Are you trying to see if your ex is right (she could be but has a horrible way of going about it all) or are you just looking for people to say the dog should be rehomed? New dogs take over your life because they are essentially a baby too. Muddy paws are nothing and it’s worrying if you think this means anything. Op think about whether you can give this dog a good home and if so throw yourself into it, if not send the dog back and tell your child they asked for the dog back (she’s three!). Best of luck.

I think you should stop talking about stuff like this with your ex, because she's just critical and it's not helpful for you. Dont take criticism from anyone you wouldnt go to for advice.

The dog sounds like a very bad idea for your situation. You want a calm life, but you've brought in a big disruption.

I think you should try to return the dog and focus on building a stable, calm home.

Stop giving your ex any information and headspace and start retaliating

Your ex thinks you are putting the dog before your child then will put going out with mates before seeing your child. Talk about double standards

3 days is nothing and both ddog and you are learning new routines as well as getting to know one another.

Be practical when it comes to muddy paws and cover sofa with easily machine washable old blankets or towels just incase of missing muddy paws and put down some extra big matts or off cuts of carpet by the front or back doors so ddog can have extra areas to soak up more dirt from their paws

Or only give ddog access to the to the kitchen if they are coming in and out of the house for a while during the day.

I have my 2dc instructions that they had to be respectful of rescue ddog,
No disturbing her whilst she was sleeping. Only stroking ddog gently and only if they offered the back of their hand for her to sniff first making sure ddog was aware that they were going to stroke her and
No climbing onto ddog
We also said no to rawhide bones etc as they turned ddog into a dog that was protective of their treat to the point of growling at anyone who was near by
I swear that when we took the bone off her ddog seemed shocked at her reaction.

I think routine and practicality is the way to go.

Tell ddog and not your ex about any thoughts or news you have. You will get a better conversation from ddog than your ex.

Where has the dog come from
What was it's history
Decent rescue centres do not let people with 3 year olds adopt a dog .
Dog needs to go
Your reaction is telling you ,you have made the wrong decision

Of course they do.

Mumsnet is full of people who hate pets

You only have to look on any issue people post about a pet and the majority of the posts is get rid or PTS even a healthy animal.
I also think a lot of posters think because they can’t cope with something then no one else can

It is so blatant that OP’s should be warned to ignore these posts.

Did no one notice that this was also made about the dd.
Should rosesarentred3 take the advice and get rid of her dd as after all that would make her life simpler.

I think getting rid of ddog would just give rosesarentred3 a different set of problems as firstly she would upset her dd greatly
I remember things my mother did when I was only around 2 or 3 years old and the sheer devastation I felt losing something I loved and the hatred I felt towards my mother.
I know I am someone who doesn’t forgive or forget when someone has upset me.

Secondly the control the ex would think they have over her would be horrible and would end up getting worse.
What else would ex think they could do if it was thought rosesarentred3 had got rid of ddog because ex had said so

@FairKoala

yes, this is what she said about DD. And in the end I believed her and she had my maternity leave instead. So I went back to work a month after having my baby. And I’ve had a C-section which was incredibly infected because some of the placenta was left in.

it wasn’t just that I believed her that I might not be capable about having maternity leave, but when I challenged it in anyway she would become either very annoyed or very upset saying that I wasn’t being fair to her by not letting her have the maternity to leave, so then I would feel guilty

The dog is amazing in lots of ways. He’s very gentle and soft, and he’s just like a tiny puppy, even though he’s 3 1/2 years old. But he does have separation anxiety. But it makes sense really because this is new for him and it is a big change for him. And I do have lots of patience. I don’t know if she’s just getting in my head or if I really have made a mistake.

I remember your previous thread. Your ex-wife was an absolute horror of a woman and it was very obvious that you are a victim of serious coercive control.

It is none of your ex’s bloody business whether you have a dog or not. Absolutely none whatsoever.

This is just her way of continuing to control and undermine you, that’s all. She’s doing the same thing now that she did when you were together. I appreciate you have a child with her but you need to start shutting her down. It’s not acceptable for her to rant at you or make accusations. You need to start telling her that you won’t be discussing these things with her again. She’s manipulating you. Don’t let her. She doesn’t have any say in anything you do.

It’s always hard to adjust to a new dog. He’ll settle and you’re doing great. Don’t let this fucking awful woman, who IIRC from your previous thread frankly sounded like she needed locking up, keep ruling your life.

It’s possible that she knows you, and aside from not being a very nice person, that does remain true.

If I told my husband (or anyone who knows me!) that I was going to get a rescue dog, I think their response would have been similar when my children were younger.

We have a very needy dog, and it’s difficult. We are used to just working around his anxieties, but we have the financial means and are at a place in our lives where we can do this (freedom with our hours, WFH etc). Ten years ago, when our youngest was the age of your youngest, with the best will in the world I couldn’t have coped.

I don’t cope with mess and dirt and chaos, but we have a large house that’s very set up for the dogs (dog shower for if needed after walks, entry onto tiled floors etc). No toddler running around also causing chaos. No toddler needing attention at the same time the dog needs attention (this whole situation sounds like sensory overload to me, I wouldn’t manage it). My dogs (which we got when the kids were no longer toddlers) are the centre of our worlds - but our life is set up for that to be achievable without being difficult for anyone. I genuinely couldn’t have coped ten years ago.

It sounds like you may have jumped in, thinking the dog is what you needed/wanted/deserved after all you’ve been through - and that attitude is normal and understandable. But no dog ever appears in your life and makes it better or easier immediately. It’s a hard slog to get them settled (and sometimes that hard slog never really ends!). People who say their dogs make their lives better/complete/whatever don’t mean that a dog landed in their house and immediately the sun shone brighter. It’s an extra chore, extra mental load, and it just probably wasn’t the right time for you.

My dogs bring happiness I could never have imagined and the thought of losing them breaks my heart. I have 2 x rescues and had one from a puppy. The early days with all were challenging, although 2 now are the easiest dogs in the world who bring nothing but joy. The third we love to bits but he’s hard work!

I wouldn’t bother telling your ex too much information about anything in your new life.

I do wonder why you got a dog though. They are hard work. Why bring extra to your life right now?

I think a new dog (for anyone) makes people have these thoughts. I had them when I got my puppy in January. It’s called ’puppy blues’ & it’s incredibly common. I’m not minimising your or anyone else’s situation but you wanted a dog, your now questioning whether you’ve done the right thing, perhaps / more likely because your ex has put doubts in your head. It’s normal that you feel like you do.

It sounds like your ex has made you doubt a lot of things about how you can manage or cope over the years. Probably part of the reason why they’re an ex!

@rosesarentred3like another PP, I remember your previous thread. You were hugely abused and you would benefit from setting some tougher boundaries with your ex. I don’t know whether it’s a good idea to have got the dog but it sounds as though you have the time and patience. And dogs can bring love and comfort to a home that needs it so it could be a wonderful, mutually beneficial relationship. Whatever the rights and wrongs, your ex’s opinion counts for nothing as she can only ever be trusted to have your worst interests at heart. I’m so glad to hear that you got away and are starting to rebuild your life though.

Everyone has second thoughts about having new puppy (and often a new baby!). These are long term committments to another being, and can at times feel daunting.
But your ex is an ex for a reason. They aren't there to support you and "back you" anymore, so you need to not believe what they say or think about you. I would put them in a mental category of someone I don't believe a word they say. Just grey rock, smile and nod. Engage only about your child.

Agree, stop telling your ex anything.

Look up puppy blues, it's really common and this sounds like it to me. You have a vision of your life with this dog, and for the first few weeks it's hard works and disruption not the perfect partnership you envisaged. But it does pass. As the dog gets more settled and you get into a routine.

You're giving your ex far to much headspace.

Your ex is still trying control you, via contact due to co-parenting.
I cannot believe what I just read about her taking the maternity leave!
You definitely do some calm in your life - by keeping conversation with your ex to an absolute minimum. Stop talking to her about your life and decisions.
You have done really, really well to get out of this damaging relationship and set up on your own, but you need to stop giving your ex any headspace at all - she wants to bring you down and has clearly never had your best interests at heart.
It's early days with the dog - give it time.

Stop listening to her. She’s your ex for a reason. Dont let her invade your brain. In fact, don’t speak to her about anything except DD. Ever.

@rosesarentred3OP I have just found this thread after posting on your old thread from when you left this bastard.

please keep posting here for support if you need it.

getting a dog is none of her business.

this is jus another way to manipulate and control you. I think you know this as it’s so similar to what she has done before.

this person is horrifying in every way.

co parenting with an abuser like this is so incredibly hard.

please tell you have had counselling/are in continuous counselling so you have support and advice on how to navigate a coparenting relationship with her?