Do I need to just be a nicer daughter?

[Seedlings2o25]

I didnt really know where to put this thread so hoped this might fit here...
I left a difficult marriage and then my only other relationship was pretty awful too. Ive learnt quite a bit about bullies, coercion and narcissistic behaviour. I know this gets used a lot this phrase but we are talking the sort of abuse that convinces you that there is soemthing wrong with your head..I was banned from using the laptop and phones, I was banned from having friends with dogs, having anyone in the house, and my clothes would mysteriously rip on their own!? My belongings would disappear or move rooms and then id be told it was in my head. I was totally isolated.. I wont keep over explaining but it was really bad.

I promised myself i would never be in a situation again where anyone had control of me. I promised myself that i would keep simple routines, look after the kids, keep a roof over their heads and love them unconditonally.
I wanted them to have all I didnt have as a child.

Both mum and dad prioritised their new spouses when i was growing up. I got sent off to boarding school, was bullied horribly and never fitted in. Neither parent wanted me and I never put down any roots. Im sure some of my up bringing caused me to cling to the first man that showed an interest in me...and he was older and massively abusive..as above!!

Im now a single mum of two fabulous teens. One is almsot ready to fly the nest. They are awesome individuals. Kind and loving, fun and quirky..always thoughtful!

A few years ago I re trained and did a degree. I had no help from my mum nor dad...they are always so caught up in their own lives and relationships. They have never baby sat or shown much interest in the kids and Ive just sort of quietly struggled. Its been really hard and lonely in some ways and im sure difficult for my kids too...

I now work in a mental health team.
Its a brillaint job but utterly draining.

Im recently diagnosed as autistic, and need a lot of time on my own to decompress! It made a lot of sense as to why I didnt fit in anywhere maybe? I love my work though and fit in with my team.

Im the only one of my family that doesnt own their own house. Incidentally everyone else does mostly through inheritance or rich partners. I rent and really struggle but guess thats like a lot of us!! Several times with ageing parents jd asked about sharing a house,me paying a mortgage and writing it into a will so that no one felt I was taking advtange. I thought they might like the company and the care and my kids could have got used to havibg a little family around them
It got totally refused...they didnt want to.

Anyway,my point is,ive been basically left to it and so I had thought that when kids leave home, id not be able to afford more that a small flat..so I tried tobe positive and my idea was nursing abroad or buying a van and doing shifts arpund the UK in different hospitals. Bit of adventure and freedom!! Id be able to save up a bit of money for the kids and see the world a bit!

Fairly out the blue one parent moved to where I live. On my day off I have to be over there doing jobs, taking them to medical appointments, driving them about ,honestly putting up with some behaviours i find massively difficult. I had to pack up all their belongings leaving my step parent in bits due to the divorce...I e transported boxes and boxes of items that make me feel sixk from childhood only to have to put up with hearing the stories about all the sentimental stuff over and over again...all of it makes me miserable but I dont want to be unkind so I listen for a bit then say im getting tired.

I had one of them all weekend and I have to check and double check everything, every activity and every thing they do as they manage to cope at home on their own but as soon as with me can't do their shoes up, csnt apparently remember where anything is,drop things...I know I sound mean but most of this is for attention. I understood that they were lonely so now see them twice a week, keep in daily contact and also have suggested lots of different social groups and activities. They dont need a carer...wont accept making changes to diet or reducing alcohol.

my dad is an over bearing bully, alwsys has been. He has softened now that he is old but can still be cold, cutting and really gets into your head. I can feel ill for weeks after seeing him..
Aparnetly mobility is an issue for Instance for my mum and they dont have strength to open a door, open crisps or do certain things but apparently can drive well!!! get dressed when im in another room or appear to run quire quixkly across a room when they see the postman!! A lot of this is behaviour to elicit a reaction whixh i try to respond to ie..they need more company or love etc etx but I am exhausted from my life.

The other day I caught them in a lie that I thought might have been a hallucination or a side effect of medication but it was simply a tall story to get me running about for them. It was quite sensational, got me running about for them, cleaning snd worrying....but there was nothing there. It was just a story. (To do with rodents ina cupbaord eating lots of things and making a mess...it went as far as bin bags full of pretend mess...and when I opened it it eas jsut clean paper and material. No sign of rodents.

After the weekend with them I went back to my job today and could hardly function. I cried at work...it doesnt help that I work with the same age group and ability as my parents so "see" and feel it very heavily.
My sisters dont live in the county but due to difficult relationships with both parents and step parents...have little to do with them. They dont want to know about mum's behaviour or help share the load.

Im utterly stuck on my own.
I now cant travel, cant do anything on my day off other than supprt mum.
With Christmas coping up..BOTH parents will want my time but neither of them can stand the other so I cant even see them togther. It means two lots of time.and energy I dont have.

I havr started thinking badly of myself for being so resentful, angry that my mkfe so far had felt so alone or bullied and disappointed In myself that I dont physically or mentally able to adapt to a duty that I should embrace.
At work today I felt so low and trapped that I almsot walked out. I dont know where I would have gone but all I could think was could get in my car and drive (i wouldnt do that as my kids dont have anyone to make them dinner etx and theyd miss me ha ha)
AiBU to tell both sets of parents this is all too muxh for me?
Both seem utterly unaware that being bunged off to boarding school then bandied between the pair of them whrn my sisters got to stay in one place, really affected me to the point that I suggested terrible anxiety and a real issue with having no roots?
Or should I stop being selfish and just look after them and accept that life is basically working then sleeping and getting up to do it all again.

You don’t owe them anything. Live your own life.

I found your post very upsetting. Your parents should not have treated you that way and you owe them nothing.

You definitely don't need to be nicer, you need to prioritise yourself and the people who love you (your kids). Not your parents who have repeatedly let you down.

@Seedlings2o25for complicated reasons and wanting the attention/ love you didn’t receive you are making this choice. Love yourself enough to say no and enjoy your life!

You aren’t being selfish if you say no to them, be kind to yourself. Your and your DC’s health and happiness comes first.

Put yourself and your DC first. It doesn't sound like your parents ever prioritised you when they should have done, so why should you do it for them. Lean on your colleagues for support and maybe try and get some counselling to help you through it.

If you have a diary, actually schedule some time for yourself to decompress. Write it in and colour it.

Then, when your parent ask for time, you can truthfully say “I have something in my diary then, But, I can see you at 9 am on Sunday at your place”. If you always go to them, you can always walk out. Figure out little ways you can control your interactions with your parents.

It’s good people that want to do the right thing by their parents, no matter how bad their upbringing was. You want to do the right thing. You are a good person. This is how a good person behaves. But not only do you have to set boundaries, you have to be strong because your parents will embark on a battle of wills to get what they want. So you need to be the mountain that doesn’t move.

They never prioritised you so I don't understand why you are putting yourself out doing things for them now? Just stop. When they ask you to do things for them you need to say 'I can't do that sorry, I'm busy' or 'I'm not available that day, I have plans'. They will have to stand on their own two feet and look after themselves - it's called reaping what you sow!

Seriously OP, you need to toughen up and take back control of your own life. You don't owe them anything. The only person who can change things is you - you are in control of how much time you spend with them.

You are a good person, your parents are not good people.
They are taking advantage of your kindness and for yours and your children’s sake you need to put a stop to it.
It will be hard as it’s not in your nature but you need to tell them how they behaved when you were younger and then go no contact or very low contact.
They will end up destroying your life like they did your childhood. Don’t let them

This hit home actually. Maybe I could think of a few things I need to do at home and just schedule them in my diary. I honestly used to do housework and sleep on my days off as im so done in from the rest of the week.
Thanks, that's good advice.

Prioritise yourself, your own MH and your children. They will have to manage without you, just as you’ve always had to manage without them.

@Seedlings2o25 Don’t feel bad if you want to schedule time to just sit and stare at the wall, too. Nothing wrong with that.

Oh OP I really feel for you.

Something that I learned recently is that the hardest thing is letting go of the idea of the parents you wished you had or that they will suddenly change if you just try hard enough. It's time to take all of that effort, energy and thoughtfulness and channel it into yourself. It's a harsh truth but you will never change them, but you can be the person you need. You can find others who will be there for you. Make yourself as unavailable to your parents as they were to you when they had a responsibility to care for you. Good luck!

And don’t tell them stuff about your daily life. Keep them on a strong information diet. Both of them. Else all they will say is “well, if you are going here and doing that, I can come/you can do” and you don’t want that.

If you haven’t before, start planning occasional weekend holidays with your children, if you can afford it. Don’t tell them until the day before. You want to keep your plans with them on your terms, always. You want to resist becoming reliable to them

All this will take effort at first but will eventually become your way of life.

Have you had a look on the Elderly Parents board? Plenty of daughters in similar situations and advice how to cope with shit parents like yours.

Look after yourself and give yourself the love that you deserve, your awful parents didn't 💐

Would you keep kowtowing to a friend who treated you like this? If not, you shouldn't put up with it from your parents either. They are supposed to be your biggest supporters in life. That makes it much worse if they treat you badly than it would be if a friend did the same.

In your shoes I would either copy how your sisters treat them, which sounds very sensible, or if you do actually want a social relationship with them I would tell them that. "Parents, I don't have the mental capacity to be your helper. This isn't up for discussion. There are plenty of other resources to get help if you need it. I would prefer our relationship to be that of a parent and child, as it should be. So I am offering a social relationship only. Let's meet up once a fortnight and do something fun together. I want us to enjoy spending time together."
How they react will tell you a lot about how they see you. Child/companion, or slave.

You sound lovely and your parents are a pair of clown shoes. It seems like they spoiled your childhood, and now they're going to do the same at this time of your life. But you mustn't let them.
You've got to where you are and become who you are in spite of them, not because of them. You owe them nothing.
Tbh I'd be tempted to move away so I don't have to deal with them anymore.

Your parents are awful, narcissistic bullies who set you up for a life of seeking that same treatment in relationships throughout your life.
You will never get the love, support or validation that you need (and deserve) from them, yet you’re still tying yourself up in knots to do everything for them at the detriment of your own mental and physical health.
Ask yourself why?
You do not owe anything to your parents, you really are free to walk away and concentrate on repairing yourself.
You need boundaries and if you don’t trust yourself to stick to those (because they won’t respect them), then you are free to cut them out of your life entirely.
They will continue to manipulate you for as long as you let them.

Yes it’s easy for me to say, but I’m not saying it lightly as this is literally what I’ve been through and although I know how incredibly hard it is, I’m also here to tell you it’s possible.
I still feel guilty and like the worst person in the world for finally putting myself first and ignoring the gaslighting & manipulative behaviour which come in the form of sob stories and “woe is me” behaviour from my mother, but FINALLY I have time, space and mental energy for myself and guess what - my own life has improved immeasurably.

Apoligies to all the non-spiritual people who will scoff at this next bit but I truly have come to believe that we have come here to learn lessons, and the issues that repeat and plague you throughout your life are the ones you are meant to truly master and take charge of in this life.

I really didn’t think I could ever turn my back on my family because I had so much guilt and shame programmed into me by them, but once I did, I realised they never even loved me, they only wanted me to be there for them.
If you truly have been doing your research on narcissistic behaviour, you’ll know that it has many layers and many faces. But one thing is the same for all of them - it’s all about Them.
None of this is your fault, you are sadly just a possession to be used and you won’t get any genuine love or validation from them, no matter how much you play the role that they want you to.

I obviously don’t know you or your situation but I can tell you that for me personally, no contact has been the only way, because they continue to trample my iron-clad boundaries (apparently “no” is not a word they understand).
Sending love and good luck 🩷

Your parents can just fuck off. Seriously. What is horrible is that they damaged you so much that you still feel you have to run around and accept their abuse and gaslighting now.

Your three priorities here are:

You - get help with healing so you can prioritise your children and yourself;

Your children;

And yourself again.

You know where your parents should be on that list?

Nowhere, that's where.

i agree with your option of getting the van and going, they still arent interested in doing anything for you so you have to do it for yourself afraid. Really hope you get to go and enjoy and live life for yourself x

I so appreciate all your replies.

It would be easier if, especially my mum, was "off" all of the time.
I know she had an unhappy childhood herself and she openly says her mum never liked her. She was also sent off to boarding school and hated it.
I struggle with this as I dont know why she would then send me.
I have an over riding feeling that I am unpalatable and offensive...i often feel absolutely confused and even tearful when someone is nice to me. Id go as far as to say I sabbotage friendships a bit ie go very quiet and distant as im so scared of them deciding im not nice, and leaving me. I think a lot of it is honestly mental exhaustion. Work..we are always short staffed and the last 2 weeks out of 6 key staff, there has been only me, or me and a practitioenr that is fairly new. Its left me almsot laughingly as the "senior" a role that I find a challenge. Just this one its own has been enough for me, as has looking after 2 children on my own and the pets.
Something has got to give and I will really think about all of your responses.
You've all been very kind. Thank you x