Is this an alcoholic?

[Hiitsmeagain1]

Inspired by the other thread.

I have asked my partner to leave due to his drink.

For context I have never drank nor been in the company of people who drink so this is my first experience of alcohol.

When I met him he used to drink a bottle of Whiskey or vodka a night for months/years following the breakdown of his marriage.
He told me his drinking was a problem in the marriage. I didn't think anything of it as he told me he didn't drink anymore and wouldn't when with me as I didn't want someone who drank.

Fast forward 6 years and he has had many drinks with his colleagues and cousins and friends on nights out when he goes away.

He has admitted if he has one drink he can't stop.

He told me since being with me he has suppressed his drinking an it all starts building up which he has to release in his drinking weekends away 3-6 times a year, which I initially turned a blind eye to but is now increasing gradually.

Recently he has started drinking in my company and got completely wrecked even after I asked him not to - once he got completely wrecked when looking after my DD's on a holiday abroad (I was with the baby in the room).

When he does return from his benders he isolates himself and withdraws for days being moody with me.
He denies he has a problem but I constantly live in the anxiety state of when the next drink will be.

My non negotiable was the drink.
I didn't realise what a functioning alcoholic was until I met him. He acts like the drink is not the problem and he can quit whenever he wants to but he doesn't want to as he likes how it numbs him out, despite knowing how much the drink stresses me out.

He couldn't give up the drink for his previous marriage and 2 kids. And he can't promise no more drink moving forward as he says he doesn't have a problem.

Is he an alcoholic? Or is it me?

It sounds like it but it doesn't really matter if he's an alcoholic or not, his drinking is unacceptable to you. You have every right not to want to be with someone who drinks the way he does. You do not need a label to justify leaving. If the drinking was really non negotiable you need to leave. If you stay he will only conclude that you will put up with it.

He obviously cannot stop anytime he likes or he would. People who can control their drinking do not lose marriages or lie about their drinking.

He will not change until he wants to, you cannot make him want to. It's up to you to decide if this is the life you want. If it's not you need to leave or show him the door.

He uses alcohol dysfunctionally. He has no control over it. It's a red line for you - understandably. It isn't you, it's him.

He’s an alcoholic and will choose it over you. You need to choose yourself.

I only ask as I'm second guessing myself as he swears he doesn't have a drink problem and that I don't understand alcohol as I don't drink - I just wanted to see if this was the case and he was misunderstood or if he was trying to manipulate me.
I mean since I've asked him to leave he's asked for an AA contact that I have but when I did give it he said it's not an issue and he's doing it for me.

He can go months without drinking (so he tells me).

The other thread on alcoholic has really opened my eyes.

Yes. He is dependent on alcohol. Only he can decide to change it. It sounds like he does not want to.

He's in that river in Egypt. People who are alcohol dependent usually are.

He's an alcoholic. Please leave.

Yes, it sounds like he’s an alcoholic, but that’s really not the issue. His level of drinking isn’t acceptable to you - it doesn’t matter whether he’s an alcoholic or not.

An addict will swear they're not addicted and can stop whenever they like! Strangely they never actually do.

Sadly op he is addicted but in denial about it. It's incredibly common.

My father could go months without drinking and then would go on massive benders and be unreliable. Over the years he became more dependent and relationships with us all broke down. He died of it the day before his 62 birthday, three weeks before his first grandchild - my DS - was born. You are doing yourself and your child a favour by leaving him. Don’t let him convince you otherwise as he’s in denial. My father swore he didn’t have a problem, could stop anytime and the fact he didn’t drink spirits and could go without for months was proof. It wasn’t.

I don't think it matters if what he thinks of himself, its a problem for you and he's saying he's not going to change. He doesn't even sound apologetic or like he wants to try harder.

No he thinks I'm the problem as I've never had an issue with it before and nothing knew has happened at the point I asked him to leave. (His drink is always on the back burner).

You don’t need to label it and people will have different definitions. The key thing here is it’s acceptable to him and not to you. As such, you need to end the relationship. You can’t force him to live a lifestyle you chose, and he can’t force you to live a lifestyle he chooses, you are not compatible. So end it, sadly,

100% he has a severe, and sustained problem with alcohol and addiction.

If you're second guessing yourself, he's really done a number on you. It's so very very obvious that there's no doubt at all.

Here are some of the really really simple ways to tell:

• he has one drink and can't stop 🚩
• drinks a bottle of spirits in an evening (ever, that's extreme and not in any way normal) 🚩
• he "suppresses" his drinking - not a response of anyone with a healthy relationship with it 🚩
• he "has to let it out" - Ditto 🚩
• he goes on regular (& in his case, very long!) alcohol binges - "benders/drinking weekends" 🚩
• he "isolates himself and is moody" after drinking - which is a withdrawal symptom🚩
• he claims he can quit any time he wants to... 🚩
• ... But he never wants to... 🚩
• he likes how it "numbs him out" 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 this is the absolutely quintessential mark of an alcoholic/addict - addiction is entirely a numbing out process. Anyone who has a healthy relationship with alcohol, if they feel that way, that's precisely the time they will not drink - because that's how it becomes a problem.
• inappropriately drunk in front of a young child 🚩
• has had relationships end due to his excessive alcohol use and dependence 🚩
• prioritises alcohol over relationships with loved ones/partners/children 🚩
• swears he doesn't have an alcohol problem 🚩(most people who genuinely don't would be disturbed by the thought that they might, or might be perceived that way. So if it was raised to them, they would interrogate their own behaviours to check. An alcoholic already knows they have a problem, but doesn't want to even admit it's a possibility, so leaps to flat out denial).

I think it's important ind label it as I will one day have to explain to my DD why I left her dad.
Also I guess it makes it easier for me to walk away knowing it's a battle I will never win... otherwise the doubt what if he didn't have an issue and that I just asked him to leave over something that wasn't an issue just something he did occasionally - I don't know I guess the label is more for me then him.

Yes, he’s an alcoholic and he’s also trying to manipulate/gaslight you, pretty typical behaviour of an addict.

He's an alcoholic, and sounds a bit like my BiL , he nearly died from cirrhosis and a year on he's still undergoing treatment. Ive also lost a friend to multiple organ failure due to alcohol. He'd convinced every one of his friends that he'd cut right back and would either have a soft drink or if we were out for a meal a half. He just did his drinking at home.

Addicts to anything, often think they don't have a problem, that it is anyone but them that's wrong, that they can stop at any time... leave now before you get damaged by his behaviour.

It’s not a nonnegotiable if you’re allowing it

getting drunk whilst caring for my dc would be end game for me

Yes he's an alcoholic and you have done the right thing telling him to leave. Be aware that alcoholics will downplay their drinking, try and blame you, lie, emotionally blackmail and manipulate. You need to be strong and stick to your guns.

he is an alcoholic (non professional view). The worry is it’s getting worse, it will affect his moods, behaviours and ability to remain employed and will damage you all. Please don’t put yourself or your children through that.