To flag a potential EA

[Mylovelywindow]

Hi, we are both forties with young children. Long term partner of 20 years, works in an academic setting and has worked with a particular person he talked about occasionally, as they are a mature student, also in their forties. Recently, this person completed a milestone, I don't know details, but posted on social media, great praise for my partner, - didn't include their own family or friends. He showed this to me.
My partner and I have been through ups and downs, minor irritations that often lead to arguments or talking little and so on. In the little we talk this person comes up! I don't think it's an affair or so yet, but I can see an attachment building.
So, can I help him realise this and alert him about where he could be heading? Or is this me planting ideas in his mind where there aren't any yet? I also don't want him to get uncomfortable around this person at work if this never crossed his mind yet, but mentionitis (my favourite MN word) doesn't happen unless there's a slight crush in the least, in my experience.
Did anybody manage to help thier partner realise something like this and help them stop at this stage? Would I be unreasonable in trying to help stop what seems to be a potential affair? Thanks for reading, I'm feeling quite worried now that I have written this down.

Sorry op, but if it’s a “potential affair” then surely your marriage is already over?

Why did I think Estate Agent? And had to read twice to see where property came into this?

Agree with PP, if YOU have to do anything whatsoever to prevent an affair, your marriage is (or should be) over anyway.

If he’s one of her tutors I don’t think it’s necessarily significant that she thanked him rather than her family/friends - for all we know, they might not be especially supportive, and if he’s good at his job and has been teaching or supervising her, he will have played a big part in getting her to this milestone point.

However, it does sound like he might have a bit of a crush on her, and I can also imagine that if she’s his student and he’s potentially responsible for assessing her work, it’s quite iffy for him to be potentially quite close to her.

It does sound, though, that your marriage isn’t great in general, and maybe that ought to be the focus rather than this one thing alone.

Thank you, everything you said is right. Sorting the relationship out is what we need to do. But do good relationships never have people ending up in attachments elsewhere? Just thinking aloud! Is there a point in bringing this up with him now?

Sorry, I couldn't think of a better title for the post, which was not too long.

Was the milestone related to a project he supervised, or something linked to his area of expertise that he’s been helping with? If that’s the case, I don’t think it’s particularly unusual to thank him individually - you’ve only seen what your partner showed you and she might have thanked friends and family in a separate post. Could the mentionitis just be him talking about work, with her name coming up because he’s been working with for a while and has had to communicate with her a lot, rather than being a symptom of something sinister?

It sounds like your relationship isn’t in the best place and I totally understand why you’d feel slightly insecure about her, but from just what you’ve said so far this doesn’t flag as a crush or the early stages of an EA to me. You know him though - what is it that’s making your spidey senses tingle, do you think?

Do you mean he is supervising her PhD?

If so, it's completely normal to thank your supervisor. I say this as a person who has done a PhD. Who else are you supposed to thank if not your supervisor? A PhD (or even a Master's thesis) is a lonely project and you will be working on it mostly alone, with some help from your supervisor. Why would you thank your friends and family? By the way, if you ever read the acknowledgement sections in academic books, it's always about the people who helped intellectually (mentors, colleagues, editors, etc).

What exactly is giving you the impression that he is into her? I'm confused.

OK I reread your post and I see that you think he's into her because he talks about her. I used to teach during my PhD and I'd talk to my partner about my students sometimes. Seems normal to me.