Not enough being discussed about how we repeat our parents patterns and history repeating itself

[Chillysweetpop]

I am in 30s and I can now see countless people repeat their parents patterns about their marriage, partners, parenting when they become parent themselves and in more damaging ways than good. I have seen from my own family where there was lots of DV involved that my sisters went on to find similar abusive men as father, even though they are well educated and independent. They stayed in shitty marriages like my mum and I kept insisting one of my sister's to leave but she said she thought it's normal to have some levels of DV in a marriage.

Similarly I am seeing a friend who ended up his relationship in a similar way as his parents.

My MIL is unpredictable, prone to constant meltdowns and wants total control on everyone's life, when I met my husband, he was very calm person but after having DC he seems to be struggling so much and gets triggered with little mistakes from kids. He seems to having constant meltdowns. I think he is just resorting to the shitty ways he must have been treated.

I feel it's so important to be conscious of our actions as a parent and adult as it truly shapes or damages our children's future and their lives. I wish there were more people who got therapy before they became parents and uncovered their parents bad patterns and learnt on conscious parenting and not repeating it all over again.

I find this to be a post in bad taste.

It's more common that you think for people to get into abusive relationships when they're older when they've been abused (or witnessed abused) when younger, but possibly not even realise they're being abused.

Also, it's incredibly difficult to leave an abusive relationship once you're already in one. It only took me 3 years, and I was extremely lucky. Some people are stuck in abusive relationships for far too long (any length of time is too long, by the way) and oftentimes it ends up being too late for them.

Other than telling them to leave (easier said than done), how do you propose that we get people to see that they are being abused (or have witnessed abuse) before they get married, have kids etc?

For people who grew up around or witnessed abuse in other forms, it is often seen as normal to them. How do you propose we change that?

In my case I used my mother's parenting to do the exact opposite when bringing up my children. She was controlling of every aspect of our lives so I made sure my children could do whatever the wanted as regards life choices.

Then they wouldn't end up as we did as adults blaming our mother for not being allowed to do what we wanted to with our lives.

I completely agree with you. Most people will subconsciously replicate the patterns of their childhood. This doesn’t always happen in ways that are completely predictable. The difficulty is that for many people, changing this requires a huge amount of reflection and self-efficacy. In real life it’s really hard to escape these patterns. I don’t think everyone needs therapy to do it, but I do agree that there should be more of a conversation about self-awareness. People then need to know how you actually go about changing things. What are the tools you need?

This is exactly what the OP is saying - that abuse might seem normal because you grew up with it. But recognising this and then changing things is hard.

@GarlicBreadStan Arent you saying exactly the same as what @OP said? you said its in bad taste but then went on to affirm everything OP already said. As to what they propose to change the cycle? I imagine @OP is not a professional in that dept. 'most' adults are conscious of the fact that there was either sexual, emotional or physical abuse going on at home, even if they didn't realise it as children or might not know the full extent. @OP said more people should get 'therapy' before they get married.

It's true.
Therapy should be free before marriage and kids for people with sub-optimal childhoods which is probably everyone. It is the only way to get a clear perspective, unfortunately I think.

Nope. I'm asking how she thinks this could be changed, because she didn't give any suggestions at all

Therapy certainly wasn't a thing when I was younger and I don't think it would be readily available where I live now. Once I offloaded about how awful my mother was, quite a few people have suggested I go for therapy. She's dead now and I try to block out any memories of her eg I've thrown away all photos of her and never mark any of her anniversaries. That has made me feel a bit better.

She was a pillar of the community - school teacher, big into church stuff etc so nobody in the 70s would have believed what I said about her anyway.

Therapy isn’t a guaranteed fix-all for all of those things. If only it were that simple.

I get it. I didn't realise it at the time but I married my father and became my mother. There was nothing in any of the information out there for girls then women about healthy relationships, it was more about how to get a man and how to keep him happy.

I'd like to think information is much more readily available now so hopefully people can learn that what might be their norm isn't healthy. And hopefully they'll be open to considering that.

There's a lot to be learned from this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Making parenting classes and classes on healthy relationships part of the secondary school curriculum could help. Having some psychology lessons and lessons that encourage more critical thinking would help too. Access to therapy in school for those who need it to deal with trauma would help. I know people will say teachers don't have time, already too much in the curriculum etc. However, I'm sure there are lots of things in the curriculum less important than this and in the long run it could avoid the cycle of abuse, reducing the number of children being neglected, abused, having behaviour issues, mental health issues, all of which impact upon education and the load that schools have to carry.

I like the saying “monkey see, monkey do” to explain this phenomena
But this is challenging because people don’t realise they are copying negative patterns. This is what they have known their whole life so they simply mirror it.

I have done work on myself to unlearn unhealthy relationship practices but I had no idea they were unhealthy.

I think this is a GREAT suggestion.

Personally I've found the best strategy for life is to do the exact opposite of my parents. They created the perfect example of how my life was not going to be.

I didn't need therapy, I just needed an escape plan. 😊

Unfortunately I don't think many students are mature enough to take such content on board. My ds at 17 is certainly not mature enough, he would complain, glaze over and go to sleep.

The more effective approach with him is to set a good example from the start so he has in-built ethics and personal standards, and to be there to offer guidance through to early 20s.

That will bite you in the arse I'm afraid. You need therapy for that

I have to say I have never noticed this in any of my family or friends. If anything, I would say children go against their parents not follow them.

If the matter is not being discussed enough, I suspect that it is because it is not something that occurs that often.

@SwordToFlamethrower What will bite me on the arse?

They've both said what a great childhood they had and are both happy and doing very well in life at 35 and 31.

As my PP said, she's dead now and I've erased everything to do with her from my life.

That’s really the whole point of the thread, to gather opinions and suggestions. I don’t think they’re claiming to be an expert, just sharing their perspective.

@JamesClyman It’s well known that “problem families” run in families! Of course it happens a lot! Well far too much.

Parenting lessons at school is too early. Most people are having dc well after leaving school! It’s also pointing a finger at “your” family - explaining what’s not ok! Dc, I’m afraid, have to vow to be different. Be good enough. No need to be perfect. Pointing this out at 16 is not going to work.

Well I agree to a point but mental health services are very hard to come by, often long waiting lists, and if you have poor self esteem or are vulnerable, no matter how intelligent are, you are going to be open to toxic relationships. One of my best friends had a pretty crap childhood with narcissistic parents so has often attracted them same sort of partner but she has had tons of therapy and is constantly trying to break away from her parents' toxic traits to be a better person. But her sisters are a carbon copy of their mum but are in denial about it so the pattern continues. I do think there comes a point that you need to take accountability for your actions particularly where children are involved. They didn't ask to be here