To find step parenting pre-teens quite hard work?

[MaisyN]

My SC are 10 and 8. They’re great kids and I love them. We have them EOWE and holidays, because this was the pattern agreed before me, and because their mum moved an hour away when they split.

At ours, they (are made to) read daily, they do sports and crafts, we talk about the news, cook and garden together, we play games and do quizzes and puzzles and go on day trips and so on. Normal stuff. All stuff DH and I did as children.

However… They’re also obsessed with YouTube Shorts, TikToks, Starbucks, Labubus and Dubai chocolate… In the summer they were obsessed with getting sunburn and dodging suncream because it was a trend apparently? They can’t tell the time or tie shoelaces, they say things like “6,7” all the time but when questioned on it, don’t know what it means. They think it’s cool to misbehave at school, they’re 2-3 years behind in maths and English and the idea of university horrifies them. Both of them regularly spell their own full names wrong.

YABU this is just kids these days and I’ll feel the same about my toddler when he’s older

YANBU kids are what they’re shaped to be, and raising SC across homes with different values is extra hard

Some of this sounds normal - Youtube, saying 6/7 etc - but thinking its cool to misbehave in school and not being able to spell their own names is (of course) very concerning. What are their parents doing to turn this around, are there ND issues?

i went through the same scenario. I removed constant iPads / access to tech (different house different rules kids), made them sit down for dinner, read every night. All done kindly but firmly. They found our house less chaotic more aspirational ultimately

you just have to accept the difference and parent to your standard when they’re with you

It's hard to vote because both your options are true. Yes, it's hard to raise SC across blended families. But at the same time a lot of this sounds pretty normal and it's likely that you'll be more tolerant of it when your toddler is a pre teen.

The bit about being 2-3 years behind would worry me a lot though. Has your DH been in touch with the school about this?

As above, the six-seven and labubus and that nonsense is completely standard 8-10 year old stuff. Do they have access to TikTok or are they just picking up on trends in the playground?

Good you’re doing the reading with them etc if they’re behind. You’ve not described anything about the situation in their other home but I’d be careful about judging given that their mum has them the majority of the time and on the ‘running about’ days of the week which can be taken over by just making sure everyone is where they need to be and fed.

It sounds like normal stuff for that age group.
However, being 2 to 3 years behind in their English and maths is very worrying. Surely your husband has been investigating that, or had that been left to her mother, like the majority of care?

I would be very reluctant to judge their mother, as some of your tone suggests, you have them 2 days out of 14. Their dad needs to be liaisoning with their mum to get on top of the school issues.

How did things turn out for your SC?

I’m not judging their mum, she’s entitled to make her parenting choices as are we. It’s just very, very hard when someone else’s parenting choices negatively affect a child you love. We’re not perfect parents either!

The falling further and further behind at school really does concern us, and it feels like there’s a big lack of general knowledge. For years I’ve been trying to instil this in a natural way, but we are very limited on time with them to do this.

Both of your voting options are true. Your mistake is thinking that they’re not.

What is school doing about the behaviour and the falling behind? Has your husband asked for meetings with their teachers, have they got a plan in place, are they receiving additional 1:1/small group interventions?

Yes, for the past three years. We are in near weekly contact with the school. Meetings with teachers, with the SENCO, joint meetings with their mum. They’ve had small group interventions, after school extra tuition, dyslexia and ADHD assessments.

Unfortunately their mum doesn’t believe in homework for primary school children. She reads with them maybe once a fortnight, never does maths and does their weekly homework sheets with them about once a term.

I don't believe in homework for primary school either and apart from reading books which I also don't enforce never do any with my DC of the same age (they happily read to themselves and I always read to them at bedtime). I also agree with PP about lack of time - it is tricky to fit in everything in the week and I would rather they do activities and play after school and learn that way. Mine are definitely not behind and so I don't think it is just what the mum doesn't do. What does school say the issue is? Is it worth them moving schools if the school can't properly support them?

I have friends who also don’t believe in homework and their kids are doing fine. But, like I presume yours are, they’re raised in households which value learning, reading, talking, interacting and generally imparting knowledge in other ways.

My SC don’t seem to retain quite basic knowledge, but if we really focus on it, they do. We had them for half term and the youngest’s reading was chaotic on day one - distracted, guessing, chatting, fidgeting. But by the end of the week he asked to read each day and could sit still and do so calmly. We found out that they didn’t know the months of the year at the start of the week, so asked them every day at dinner and they learnt it. It’s really basic things to do, but if they’re not picking it up at school, they need to do it at home.

The school (two schools actually, they changed schools a year ago) don’t feel they have additional needs but say they need to focus more in class and that we need to support them with reading and homework outside of class. But it’s hard to know where to balance the line because there’s only so much we can do EOWE without making it onerous for them.

Honestly, not your circus, not your monkeys.

We’ve been in the exact same situation, just concentrate on your own DC. And yes our own DC have different rules and expectations and that’s always been fine. They’re all older now and the difference between them and SC is vast. Realistically there wasn’t much change we could effect EOW and holidays when ex was also more interested in being their best friend.

Some of this is normal.

all kids pick up the crazes going round. When mine were younger it was Harry Potter etc.

being behind at school is on a different level than the rest.

some kids have excellent memories and pick up academic stuff like sponges. Others don’t.

if you have a child who doesn’t then if you want them to do well at school you really need to put the hard graft in at home.

clearly your step kids do not have good memories. They don’t pick things up easily abd remember them easily.

so they will be behind unless someone puts in hard graft helping them at home.

clearly it can’t be you as you don’t have them enough. Mum isn’t going to do it. So yes, they will be behind.

Thank you. What happened when your SC got to secondary school? How are they now as adults? How is their relationship with your children?

It’s really hard. I feel like I’m failing them and I genuinely want them to have the best outcomes they can.

I agree, unfortunately.

I don’t think it’s the school’s fault. I think SC are in the bottom half of their classes but they’re not often actively disruptive, don’t have SEN and if they don’t put in the effort at school, and aren’t having anything reinforced at home, they’re just drifting through.

They have so much unrealised potential and it makes me really sad.

Up until and including “Dubai chocolate” YABU. Normal behaviour. The stuff beyond that, YANBU.

I would step back from the “parenting” and let DH deal with it. Be less available.

I’m not sure how that would help?

I think what they’re getting at is that parenting decisions ultimately sit with your husband and his ex. If he has concerns about the environment, he does have the option to revisit the contact arrangements.

That said, if the school is already putting multiple interventions in place and progress still isn’t happening, I wouldn’t automatically point to poor parenting. It could just as easily suggest more complex SEN needs. Months of the year are introduced at nursery. Even with no additional input I’d have expected them to be retained by age 10, which is either year 5 or 6. That alone would make me think there’s something deeper going on.

At primary level, homework is usually about reinforcing what’s already been taught rather than introducing new concepts, so not completing it alone isn’t likely to be the difference between keeping up and falling behind.

My children are the same age. Primary school English and maths are relatively easy. Being 2-3 years behind is a serious issue and unlikely to be only about lack of support at home. (Lots of children will be in the same situation!). It sounds as if you need to ask for comprehensive testing. My younger son has ADHD and is no genius but is still a couple of years ahead at school — ie currently 8 but can multiply fractions, do long division etc.