Will I ever be content with one child?

[Inneedofsomehelp11]

I've got one DC who is so wonderful, the best thing that has ever happened to DH and me. We've had a very hard time conceiving him and it's now been 4 years we've been trying for a second, so I'll have to either accept that we'll be a one child family, or throwing all our savings at IVF (I'm almost 38 so the chances aren't too great plus I've got a health condition that makes it riskier as well). I go through phases of thinking one is great and then being desperately sad I cannot have another. It really doesn't help that I read so often on here people saying "I could never have been content having an only child" etc. Please can you talk some sense into me?

I don't think your unreasonable at all to try and make peace with being a one child family. Going for IVF sounds like it would adversely affect you financially and health wise, which could have huge implications for your son. You're also at the point where a newborn would be a hassle not a blessing from the point of view of your son. It would be years before you could take him swimming alone with his sibling for instance due to pool ratios, the type of holidays you want to go on will be focused around what the baby can tolerate, and he won't really benefit from having a playmate due to the age gap. Unfortunately logic often can't trump emotions, but I hope you find peace with it and don't let it rob you of enjoying your son's childhood by hankering for what ifs.

We have an only child. Not planned that way - I had 2 miscarriages after having him. It's taken a long time for me to feel content, but I do now.

I'd always wanted a big family and my siblings have all got large families, but now he's a teen, I can finally see the benefits and I finally feel content.

I know we'll be able to afford to support him with driving lessons and getting his first car (he doesn't know this yet as we've encouraged him to get a job to save for this himself). We also have the time to act as a taxi service (within reason!) for him and his friends (we live rurally with limited public transport). Our sofa perfectly fits 3! Days out can be easily tailored as just one childs age/needs/interests to cater for. Lots of little things, but all things I'm glad for. Not to say we wouldn't be able to do all of this with more than one child, but it would be a bit more difficult.

DD is an only and I absolutely love it. I’m a single parent (could happen to anyone) and just having one means we still get to go places, do things. She’s 12 now (going on 33) and such good company. We have a wonderful time shopping, eating out, going to musicals. All would be impossible if I’d had another.

I have an only, would have loved more but my body just isn’t built for pregnancy. But I did make peace with that early on.

I assumed we’d have two children. But it took 3 years to have DS and pregnancy and the post-partum period had a bad impact on my chronic healthy condition which includes permanent damage. I think I was ‘lucky’ in that I didn’t have a desperate desire for a second but felt that I should, mainly for societal reasons. I’m very happy with our decision now though. DS is 6 and we’ve built a lovely life together. We’ve just come back from an amazing week in New York with him and spending that time with him and getting to do so/see much stuff that he was excited about was just amazing. I can’t imagine now what it would be like to have a second.

I have one child who's 13 now. I've tried to focus on enjoying her at every stage rather than what I don't have. I've had moments of regret and guilt but there's so many advantages to having one you need to embrace them. I found Dr Susan Newman's research on only children very helpful, both in terms of knowing dd will be fine and how to avoid parenting pitfalls. My favourite bit of advice is parent as if you have 3, don't over parent and enjoy a relatively stress free time.

Thank you so much for your reply. Yes realistically I know that IVF would be a terrible idea- it's risky for me health wise, it would bankrupt us, and then there's all the associated risk with being older (and I'm the opposite of a risk taker!) I just feel almost inadequate when we go and see extended family who all have big families,( I feel awful saying this) to the point where I'm close to tears and just want to leave. There's lots of big families in DC school and everytime I see the siblings piling into the car together it pulls on my heartstrings.

That's lovely to hear. Don't get me wrong - we've absolutely fully embraced every stage so far, been on fantastic holidays, I adore the close bond we have and our happy family life.
its true- and maybe I'm seeing the two kid family a bit through rose tinted glasses!

Thank you for your reply. Can I ask how you made peace with it? I wonder if other people are just more resilient than I am, or if I'm missing a trick....

Thank you! That's another thing, I have the feeling I definitely overparent. I must look into that book you mentioned.

Hi OP, I had my heart set on one more than I have and I know what you mean about wistfully looking at other families. I have tried to focus the energy and money I have on enjoying spending time with my DC and always have a new day trip or holiday plan in mind to distract me. So that’s what I recommend. Keep thinking of all the fun things you can plan with your DC with all the money you have ‘saved’ (!) deciding not to go through all the uncertainty of IVF.

That's lovely to hear. Wishing you all the happiness!

Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, that's a great plan. I have been back and forth a million times in my head and every once in a while I actually feel like I'll just throw all my money at IVF regardless to just make the pain of not having a second child go away....

If you knew that the IVF would work, and you'd have a second child with zero additional needs or health issues, and it wouldn't make you ill, then I'd probably do the same. But unfortunately the odds are that it won't, or if it does there will be complications. It's a very cruel false promise of a future x

It really is. You're right. And I would never be able to forgive myself if my health was to go downhill and I wouldn't be a great mum for my existing DC anymore.
I honestly think sometimes about asking for antidepressants for a while as I find it so difficult to deal with

@Inneedofsomehelp11 You will be thankful that you have only one child whenever you book a flight or holiday, sign up for an after school club, you need to pay for tutoring for the 11+, they fail the 11+ and you think you can just about stretch to pay for private school, you pay for musical instrument lessons/gymnastics/football/karting/theatre society, you pay for driving lessons, you buy him a car, you pay for university accommodation, you help him with a deposit for a house, and you die knowing that he will inherit a house that he will own outright thus removing one of the biggest financial stresses young people today have.

All of those things get harder when there are two children, and harder again when there are three. Your gift to your son is love, wisdom, opportunity, and financial security.

Just ensure that your son has a wide social circle and he will thrive. He is fortunate to have extended family that he is in contact with, so why not think of his cousins as virtual siblings?

One note: IVF is unbelievably tough emotionally, mentally, and financially, and very many relationships do not survive the process. If you have concerns over your mental health, I would absolutely avoid this.

We took years to be lucky enough to have ds and tried for a sibling for him for 6 years. I gave myself a cut off age of 40 and dh and I agreed that we wouldn’t try IVF. I never thought that I would be satisfied and there were times when it was tough for all of us. But when ds was about 14 something changed. And I was just so happy to have ds. I think I realised as well that I had been yearning for another ds, but in reality it wouldn’t be the same.

Now ds has just turned 18 and I can honestly say, I am quite relieved things turned out as they did. Ds will go to uni next year and dh and I have so many plans. Whereas some of my friends with the 18yo and younger siblings, some with additional needs, are realising they are going to struggle to pay for uni.

Not sure that helps!

Thank you so much. He has one cousin who is lovely and we make an effort to see, my parents are abroad but absolutely adore him and we see them on average every 3 months and for the whole summer holidays. There's also two sets of grandparent here (my DH parents divorced and remarried) I make a huge effort with playdates and he has lots of friends.

I've always worked so hard for everything I wanted in life but this seems something that I just cannot have - a sibling for my son, another baby to love.

You are right I'm sure they IVF is very difficult and I struggle with anxiety sometimes so I'm unsure I could do with the uncertainty of it.

Thank you so much for your kind post. I quite like the idea of a cut off age I think I might do the same!

I have no advice OP but I am in the same position and just wanted to say thanks for posting. We tried for years to have our little one and I feel so guilty about not being able to give her a sibling but then worry so much much that I would become unwell and be worse off with two children. I have a lifelong illness but again worry that she’s on her own to ‘deal’ with me in my old age.
It’s nice to read all the messages as so many people say oh you’ve just the one? it’s a punch in the gut sometimes!
so many positives of one child and all the nice things you can give them.

Sorry, I’m probably not much help. But I just felt so lucky to have her. I’d had rubbish relationships and never thought I’d get to have a child, then I suffered miscarriages. And because I then realised that I actually really can’t do pregnancy very well, I needed to just focus on her. Sorry, not helpful really!