Does what your partner/husband was like before you bother you, even if he treats you well now?

[AmusedCyanFinch]

I was thinking about how people often say “the past is the past” but I’m not sure it’s that simple. If your partner used to be selfish, reckless, disloyal or just generally not a great partner in their previous relationships but treats you well now, does it bother you?

Part of me feels like how someone was still matters because it speaks to their character, even if they’ve changed. Another part of me thinks maybe people really can grow and what matters most is how they treat you today.

AIBU to think that sometimes it’s hard to completely separate who someone used to be from who they are with you, even if everything is “good” now?

Are you the same person today that you were ten years ago?

Probably not. I’d like to think I’ve grown a lot too. I guess that’s what makes it tricky: if I can change, I should believe other people can as well but part of me still wonders whether certain traits ever fully disappear.

I was thinking about how people often say “the past is the past” but I’m not sure it’s that simple. If your partner used to be selfish, reckless, disloyal or just generally not a great partner in their previous relationships but treats you well now, does it bother you?

If someone behaved badly in previous relationships and I was aware of it, I wouldn't be with them in the first place. Life's too short to give men the benefit of the doubt!

If things came out once we were in an established relationship, I'd judge them on the person I had come to know.

People behave badly for all sorts of reasons and change; learn from their mistakes and, tbh, relationships are about how two people 'relate' to each other. The relationship exists in the space between them and they both contribute to that.

If someone was so flawed that it was still a problem in their relationship with me, I'd end it.

Is this a hypothetical musing or is there something you are facing right now?

Because, tbh, its easy to give a general answer but there are some things that would just he a hard no.

Eg. If I found out someone had a history of DV or using prostitutes, I wouldn't care how they treated me. They'd be gone.

For me it would depend what you mean by treated badly. If they were violent or abusive then yes it’s an issue. If it was just that they were inattentive and a bit selfish then I’d be more inclined to overlook as long as they treated me well. I couldn’t be with someone who neglected their children for instance. It would depend what it was.

How do you know what your partner was like in previous relationships?

DH was divorced when I met him, his ex is awful but obviously there are two sides to each story and I’m sure there’s things he didn’t get right, but that’s never affected how he’s been with me, or how I think of him.

Fresh slate, as far as I’m concerned.

Obviously abuse and prostitutes etc would be a deal breaker. Unless you’re going to give us more info, what can people on MN tell you?

More of a general reflection really, it just came to mind after a conversation with a friend about whether people really change. I’m not dealing with anything dramatic myself, just wonder how others see it.

How do you know what he was like before you met.

Has he said that or someone else?

Because if it's someone else they could well be exaggerating.

My dh wasn't a good husband before I married him I don't think. But that's in part because he was with the wrong person, unhappy and treated badly.

When you are with the right person you step up. That's my take on it anyway.

I agree, there are always two sides to a story. I was thinking more generally about whether we ever truly see someone as a clean slate or if knowing certain things (even just patterns, not scandals) shapes how we view them. Like, can you really separate who someone was from who they are with you?

I’ve seen that too. The right relationship can bring out a completely different side of someone. That’s what I’m wondering about - whether change comes from genuine growth or just from being in a situation that finally suits who they are.

I’m interested in this too OP. If dh was shit when your children were babies and completely let you down, do you still resentment years later when he’s a lot better father. Do you ever get over it

Like, can you really separate who someone was from who they are with you?

I'd see it more as separating who someone was with an ex from who they are with you.

People bring out different qualities in different people.

That’s what I’m wondering about - whether change comes from genuine growth or just from being in a situation that finally suits who they are.

It can be both.

They're two sides of the same coin really..

I'd be very wary of thinking it's the second if I were you. Far too many women seem to believe that some erstwhile unpleasant, deceitful, selfish specimen who is treating them well in the honeymoon period has changed. As nice as it might feel to see yourself as the woman with what it took to tame the beast, its almost always that they're doing what needs to be done in the early days, and will revert to type once the novelty wears off and they're complacent about you.