To worry about relationship with firstborn suffering after I have a second baby?

[tamarahp]

My daughter is almost 4, expecting a second baby in the next few weeks. My heart is breaking at the thought of her having less attention, “the end of an era” of it just being us 2 in the daytime whilst Dad works, whilst I’m also very excited for newborn. Likely the pregnancy hormones aren’t helping with the feeling.

I have heard and read a few stories that when mum brings home a new baby, sometimes the toddler / older child protests by rejecting the mum, not approaching her as much, being off with mum. Did that happen with you or people you know? Did the new baby affect the relationship with the firstborn?

My child, who was a bit older than yours, adored the baby and was extremely protective to the point of criticising the speed at which I fed him!
His only disappointment was that the baby didn't play with toys as quickly as he was expecting.

As to your question, no, it was a positive experience all around.

What’s the age gap for yours and how was your experience when you first brought baby home?

3 year gap between dc1 and dc2. There was no jealousy only joy! You have plenty of time to cuddle and play puzzles with older child as newborn sleeps loads!!!

now I have dc3 and a small gap….now that is a wee bit harder!!

In my experience the first few weeks were a bit tricky because I wasn’t very mobile, but after I was back on my feet I made sure I made special time for me and my eldest, even if it was just popping out for a quick walk or ice cream. Her and her sister are now so close and our relationship hasn’t suffered.

I had an age gap of just over two and a half years so some of this may not seem relevant.

It was really hard to begin with, to be honest. Something that did happen was a gulf opened between DS and I, where previously we’d been close, and he definitely gravitated towards his dad more and this was a fairly consistent theme for a while.

But … it did eventually balance (DD is now just a few months shy of DS’s age when she was born) and I’ve realised that some of it wasn’t even necessarily new baby, it’s just them getting older and more defiant, can say no etc.

I am guessing she’s an autumn born who is old in the year? Is she at preschool / nursery? It was a godsend for us!

She’s a December born baby!
Going to school in Sept 2026 when she’ll be almost 5. No preschool or nursery now because she hated it.

My DD was 3 when my twins were were born. Nothing changed at all really the new babies just fitted in with us than the other way around same when I had my 4th 2 years later.

I had the same concerns. DS1 was 6 weeks away from his 4th birthday when DS2 arrived. For us it was the perfect age gap. DS1 adored his little brother from the start and was proud to show him off to his friends but also super-protective.

My relationship with him wasn't affected at all. I tried to ensure we still had plenty of 1 on 1 time, initially when DS2 napped but, as he got older, made time to go on days out sometimes.

My boys are now 23 and 19. I'm very close to both of them and they are still close too. DS1 wouldn't go to sleep until DS2 got home from a party on Friday night. He stayed awake in case he needed picking up. It will all work out fine. Lots of extra cuddles for your oldest child will reassure her she hasn't been replaced.

It can happen. Not to cause anxiety in you, OP, but my experience was different to others posters, and I wish someone had prepared me for the possibility of it occurring. It was also temporary, thank goodness.

DS1 was 2 years and 9 months when DS2 was born, and was pleased for about 2 days until it dawned on him that the baby was now a permanent fixture. He blamed me for bringing DS2 into his life and started wanting his dad all the time, whereas previously I was his favourite person. He even told me that he now loved daddy much more than he loved me!
It was difficult, but only lasted about 2 or 3 months. It actually really helped improve the bond with his dad, and ever since then he's been equally close to both of us. He's 17, now.

Honestly OP, it may happen or it may not. Each child is different. If it does happen, it's usually short lived and firstborn will get used to baby being part of the family before long. I would expect a bit of jealousy and possibly a bit of regressing to more babyish behaviour, both are common. I'm sure that you'll make an effort to have some one on one time with your little girl, doing bath and bedtime and hopefully baby will sleep a lot in the first few weeks so that you can have time to play with and cuddle your girl. Big up her new role as big sister and point out all the clever things that she can do and teach baby as she's older and more capable. Above all, try and relax and take it as it come and don't catastrophise if you have a bad day. A rough day is just a rough day and you will put it behind you and start fresh the next day. Be kind to yourself too and let your partner share the load - you will be recovering from the birth yourself and need to rest and eat well and be looked after too!

I worried about this so much OP, but it was actually fine. My eldest loves the youngest and generally found it all really exciting. They have a lovely bond now.

There is one thing I did a few times which might have helped - I played a game called 'new puppy' with my eldest. In it you pretend that your older child is a new puppy you're bringing home to the family. You play pretend at how excited you are to get the puppy, you make a special cosy bed, you put special puppy food (whatever snacks your child likes) in a bowl, you give the puppy cuddles and strokes. It lets your older child be the source of excitement and fuss, instead of just the new baby. I think my eldest really liked that connection and getting to be the centre of attention for a while. I can't remember where I saw that recommended but it worked well for us!

I worried about the same thing, 4 year age gap too. Please don't worry. Your love multiplies, it doesn't reduce per child. You will love them both to bits and they will love each other, even if it doesn't always seem so.

4.5 year age gap. I tried to be realistic with the older child beforehand - lots of other people were saying 'won't it be exciting to have a little brother or sister' and I countered with 'it might not feel exciting all the time, and if the baby cries it might feel a bit annoying'. I wanted older dc to know that those feelings were OK.

I enrolled as much help as I could with the baby - people taking them for walks in the pram, cuddling the baby, winding him after feeds. I basically did the feeding, then gave as much attention as I could to dc1. It was many years ago so the new baby didn't sleep in our room, and I think that helped.

When older dc went to school it was good that they had their own exciting life. I usually had someone to look after the baby in the early morning so dc1 and I walking to school together was our special time.

I had a 3 1/2 year age gap. My first daughter has ADHD (since discovered) and was very demanding. When my next daughter arrived, it was hard. She loved the baby but was very hard work for me.

But now first daughter is 22 and second 18 and they love each other so much. they go out together and they entertain each other. It really is lovely. I know it is not the same for everyone but I am so happy that they have each other

Children have been born since the dawn of the human race. Siblings have been born since about 9 months after that. Your child will be fine. Buy some guilt presents, spend time together, get people to take FB out for fun days away from the baby.