5 year old selective shyness - will she grow out of it?

[itsmehere1]

Hi - Posting here for traffic. My DD is 5 and in Year 1. I absolutely love her and proud of her, she’s a sweet, bright, funny little girl but she’s also shy, and sometimes it’s honestly hard to know how to help.
She has a small group of close friends she’s comfortable and confident with, and she’s absolutely fine with familiar adults after a warm-up period. But with unfamiliar adults (even familiar kids), she won’t say a word, not even a simple “good morning” to her teacher for most of the year and feels like she is very concious of how she'll be perceived. She almost never speaks up in class, and if someone she doesn’t know well tries to talk to her, she just would reply softly and mostly with single words. I know it can come across as rude, and that part is tough.
I feel helpless sometimes and, if I’m honest, a bit embarrassed because I can sense other parents or teachers might be judging her (or me). I’ve tried rewarding her when she does speak up, but it rarely lasts. Getting angry is out of question, but bribery doesn’t help either.
When we talk about it, she says she knows she should answer but that she just “can’t help it.” So right now I’m trying to take the gentle approach, no pressure, lots of praise for any effort, and just hoping time and confidence will help her grow out of it.
Has anyone else gone through this with their child? Did your child eventually come out of their shell? Any tips or reassurance would be so appreciated.

Saw this pattern a lot in my child’s friendship group. Brilliant that she’s comfortable with familiar children and adults - I would worry more if she wasn’t. Most of my child’s friends grew out of this around year 3. I managed it by gently prompting at the time and saying hello to compensate. Sometimes, if I had a relationship with the adult, I’d quietly note to them that she was shy (almost in apology, though I realise this isn’t needed and was more about my own social awkwardness).

Good to know I’m not the only one who feels apologetic even though it’s not needed. Really reassuring to hear they often grow out of it by junior school, thank you!

No one is judging you or her.
That was me as a child. I was painfully shy and it was the worse thing ever.

I never spoke to anyone as I was scared and could never think of what to say. My dad made it worse as he’d tell my if I didn’t speak up for myself I’d miss out on things and I did, all the time. He’d put me on the spot and I’d get so embarrassed. He didn’t like it when my mum spoke for me. I found it helped when mum spoke for me as I was so scared.

In my early 20s I went travelling around Australia on my own and was forced to speak to people. I went on my own because I was desperate to go and had no one to come with me.

I am now in my 50s and can’t shut myself up! I get on my own nerves! I can’t talk to anyone about anything. Be gentle with her and don’t force her to speak.

My 5 year old is like this. I am trying to accept it, and not force her into situations where she feels uncomfortable, while still encouraging her to participate .There are lots of small wins along the way and I can see how her confidence is growing.

Practice it with dolls. Play out a scene where two toys are meeting each other 'now what do we say now' etc. Get her used to what is polite when you greet someone while respecting boundaries (she doesn't have to give a hug, just a nice hello and eye contact.

Dd was like this. They do judge. But ignore it. Gently encourage and don't react. Emulate the right behaviour. She's 20 and extremely sociable now. Packs of friends. Doing a medical degree. She left me with most of the neighbourhood looking down on me however 😁.

FWIW I was that child.

my mum forced it. Even when I was uncomfortable, even in distress. I remember several occasions where she wouldn’t let me leave until I’d gone and said what she thought I should. I think she thought I’d learn I was just making a big fuss and there was nothing hard about saying hello to a stranger.

i understood very early that it was somehow “wrong” to be shy, and i was often apologised for or comments were made in my hearing about being “very shy”.

that made me more self conscious.

As I grew up i simply stopped putting myself in social situations where i feel uncomfortable. I probably missed out on a lot, but I never learned to be comfortable in those situations.

My own kids I never pushed or commented. I modelled as best I could but if they felt unable to verbalise I didn’t push. I think I taught them that if they didn’t feel able to speak a little wave and smile was fine.

as adults one is super confident. The other is more reserved but doesn’t have that social paralysis I do.

so who knows. It might be how they are, all I know was trying to force me out of the shyness absolutely did not work.

Have you looked up selective or situational mutism?

My child, same age, same behavior, except at school where she's incredibly social and outgoing. I reassure her that whenever she feels a bit more anxious in social situations she just have to hold my hand till she feels comfortable and warms up a bit to the people around her. I manifest that I understand her little feelings and I am there to support her. In reality I have no clue about how to help her and if/when she will ever change but It seems she feels more confident with my support and reassurance. I was always a very shy child, so I believe they just need some time and understanding

This! A lot of what you should do is counter intuitive to what you instinctively feel like doing. So it is worth reading up on if.

OP, I could have written this exact post about my DD!! Painfully shy, I also worried about perceived rudeness etc - how she presented to unfamiliar adults was completely different to who we saw at home or with close friends & family.

I came to realise over the years that less pressure was better and I had to accept her for who she was. We've always done whatever we could to boost her self confidence and celebrate any small win. I always said even if she didn't feel she could speak to adults, just to try and smile and make eye contact at least. We'd sometimes practise/set small goals but sometimes even this felt too much pressure and I was best to just let her be!

We saw small improvements over the years and now age 11 I would say she has a "quiet confidence". Not loud by any means but she is happy and confident in herself with a lovely friendship group, and it's been wonderful seeing her growing in confidence over the last few years. I'm sure your DD will get there in her own time ☺️

SMiRA has some amazing information that may help.

My DD has ASC and SM. She has extreme panic attacks when speaking is expected of her in public. We are working on ways to help her but it is a long, heartbreaking at times, process.

My 8 year old is like this has been since around the age of 3/4. She’s slightly better than she was (she will now nod her head which I couldn’t even get her to do before). She still won’t speak to other people in front of me and won’t speak to me in front of other people. School have been very understanding (she had health visitor involvement before starting primary as there was concerns she had selective mutism*) but her current teacher kept saying to her at parents evening last month you have to use your words why are you pretending to be shy 🙄 I explained this is how she is and that the school know about it but I could tell she didn’t believe me and thought she was just being awkward. When she’s put on the spot to talk she will go bright red she looks like a rabbit caught in headlights and she starts to tear up. She’s gradually getting better though as she will speak to her teachers as long as I am not there but she is still very quiet and shy especially if her best friend isn’t around. She also wouldn’t speak to my parents in front of me and vice versa but over the last year or so has grown out of that. There were times she could be with my parents for a full day and she wouldn’t speak a word to them even when I wasn’t there but she’s non stop chatterbox around them all the time now.

*health visitor concluded she didn’t have selective mutism because after weeks of trying she eventually managed to get a couple of words out of her. So that was that.

My youngest was very shy and quiet but also smart and funny. She struggled right up to year 5 at primary and then in year 6 something seemed to click. By year 7 she was doing super well fitting in at secondary despite being still on the quiet swotty side and is now in the school production in year 8.
We never shamed her for being shy or quiet, but gently encouraged her to find clubs or activities that she could open up and be herself. Forcing the issue rarely helps. I remember being sent into shops to buy stuff as a shy kid and it was painfully awful.

HV isn’t qualified to say either way. Have you taken her to SALT?