Poor communication?

[coldfeetnovember]

My partner and I have been together for 18 months. We are both early 50’s and both divorced some years ago after long marriages. We have 3 children each ages 12-20. We don’t live together.

DP’s children live abroad with their mother who left the UK with the children 5 years ago to go back to her home country.

DP visits the children regularly and they come over to visit him and stay for a week or so 3/4 times a year. He goes over approx 4 times a year.

Every time they are here or he goes over there I feel completely neglected as communication drops off and he’ll only speak on the phone very briefly when they are busy or he’ll sneak out the house for a 5 minute call. I haven’t met the children yet as he’s worried about how they will react but we have discussed arranging to meet up soon.

His children are 16, 18 and 20.

We have discussed how isolated and alone I feel when the visits happen as I don’t see him for 8/9 days, barely speak and only get an occasional message but it doesn’t change.

I suggested we met briefly in a local cafe yesterday as I was passing his home but he declined as he was busy with the children despite it being 10am and he says they always sleep in and have slow mornings.

AIBU to expect more or should I just suck it up?

Aw I think he’s feeling guilty and trying to give them 100% attention but not even a phone call or quick visit seems a bit extreme. Maybe tell him how you feel without trying to guilt him any more x

Thanks BestieNo1 yes I think he is trying to focus on them and be completely available for them which I understand and admire.
its just hard not to feel a bit abandoned for the 8/9 day period.
I’ll talk to him again.

How much contact do you have during non-children times? You don’t live together so I’m assuming there could be days when you don’t see each other.

I think feeling ‘isolated and alone’ is a bit OTT, to be honest. You know where he is and what he’s doing - he’s keeping in touch with his children. It suggests you might over rely on him for company.

I think there is a middle ground but I also think you could be more self-sufficient on those days.

You feel abandoned because he focuses on his children for 8/9 days and not on you during these very short periods in which he gets to spend time with his children ... Abandoned really?

I think he’s prioritising his kids who he doesn’t see on a day to day basis. It’s only for a reasonably short time and you know when it’s happening. Unless there are other red flags I’d think this was perfectly understandable.

It’s understandable of course. We don’t live together but we speak and/ or message every day. We see each other 2/3 times a week. We have a very supportive and loving relationship so it’s the change I find challenging.
I do have things to do and see friends etc but I still can’t help feeling a bit lonely during these times. Maybe I need to get a grip and just toughen up.

I think it’s good that he’s prioritising his children. I’m guessing you feel left out because it’s a part of his life you’re not involved in. I would just enjoy the time together and appreciate that he serms
to be a good dad.