AIBU to be hurt that she got married and never told me?

[CherryColaNiceToKnowYa]

My niece and I have always been close. We’re five years apart in age and have children of a similar age. We used to live near each other but a few years ago she moved to a different city so we see each other less than we used to. Her father is my brother but they are estranged. I’m estranged from her dad too but have always made the effort to keep her and her son in my life.
Last night it was my husband’s birthday and we were out celebrating with friends and family including my niece. Over dinner she announced she was married. I had no idea she was even dating anyone. I was hurt to find out this way. She told me it had happened back in June. We’ve spoken several times since June and have messaged regularly and she never said a thing. I was in tears as I love her dearly and the news shocked me. I respect that she had a small ceremony (only her mother and his parents were present) and I’m happy she’s found love. She said it was a whirlwind romance (I didn’t know she was dating). She’s always been a quiet, private person so I understand she wouldn’t want a fuss but it broke my heart that she hadn’t told me in the intervening months or at least privately yesterday - she announced it over the table.
Am I being unreasonable to be upset? Should I tell her how I feel or just accept what’s happened?

I think maybe you think you were closer than you were. You can tell her how you feel but it will almost certainly result in the two of you growing further apart. You're not unreasonable to feel how you do, but it's a bit of a reality check.

Seems really strange. All I can think is, she doesn't think of you as closely as you do her.

I think she kept it from everyone and it didn’t occur to her that you would be anything but happy for her.

Tbh I think it's really odd on her part she didn't mention it, even if you two weren't as close as you thought. I'm not particularly close to my aunts, however, if I messaged them regularly, or even sporadically, I would definitely tell them that I'd just got married. Quite a big thing not to mention it. Strange imo.

Was it a very quiet wedding with just a few guests? Some people don't want a massive fuss or the big day with a dress ans cake etc. Maybe she doesn't see it as a big deal herself?

When I got married the first time I didn't tell anyone in my family. We had a ceremony with 2 witnesses.
But I did phone and tell my mother the following week.

So whereas I understand your niece not telling you about the wedding at the time I do think it's a bit hurtful that she did not tell you after the event. Particularly as you have been in contact with her since.

I wonder if the family dynamics have influenced her decision not to spread the news about her marriage. Given that she is estranged from her father it sounds as there have been issues in the family and perhaps she was worried about her marriage not being well received.

Would it be more to do with not wanting it to get back to her dad? I know you’re nc with him but maybe she thought the fewer people knew the better?

YANBU, but getting into it while it's still raw for you is likely to just lead to conflict.

My husband and I married with a few friends as witnesses, didn't tell family we married or even considering until months later, even those we spoke to regularly. It had nothing to do with how close we were, it's that we knew some in the family would strongly disapprove and once a few people in the family knew everyone would (which is exactly what happened). Bit cowardly, but both sides had a lot of family drama going on that we didn't want to deal with or have as part of our decision and during our honeymoon time after.

It was 3-4 years later when the conversations around why and how people felt on it finally came out. I think if they came out right away, it would have gone very badly on all sides.

Thank you for sharing, this has really helped things feel clearer in my mind and I think time is definitely needed before a conversation 🩷

@BunnyLake this is a really good point. I’m largely NC with him but we’ve been in touch when some big life changes have happened involving other family members in the last two years

@TheatricalLife yes it was quiet - only 3 witnesses. She’s never been one to make a fuss

Oh well there you go OP. It wasn't personal to you and wasn't meant to hurt your feelings. She just wanted absolutely no fuss ❤️

Yes YABU. It clearly isn’t a big thing to her if she had a ceremony with only her mother and his parents and no guests. It isn’t an indication of your closeness at all.

I don’t think it necessarily says anything at all about your closeness or the regard in which she holds you. DH and I got married with two witnesses and didn’t tell anyone at all for years, including our parents. Getting married wasn’t a big deal for us, and we didn’t want anyone else making a big deal of it. If you’re the type of person to burst into tears at a marriage announcement because you weren’t specially told, I can see why she told you in a collective situation, to minimise fuss.

But it doesn’t mean anything for your closeness. A very dear old friend of ours only discovered we were married last month, and we’ve been married for nearly fourteen years. It presumably just never came up. We assumed she knew. She thought it was hilarious.

@SlightlyBruisedApple thanks for sharing your story. It’s further opened my eyes to the fact that getting married lowkey works for some and it’s a personal choice. I just think I’m just used to sharing in the day with the women I’m close too, though if it was a friend who got married without telling anyone I’d feel nothing but joy. With her it’s joy but also hurt because of our relationship. Despite the small age gap I have a maternal connection with her. When I was younger I looked after her a lot. She could spend weeks with my parents and I during the school holidays. I’d look after her all day, take her out, make her meals, put her to sleep. When she got older I’d cheer on her life wins, give her money if she needed it. I was one of the first people to meet her son and he had sleep overs at mine from an early age. I’d have him for up to two weeks at a time so she could go on holiday. At dinner when I said tears it wasn’t floods and it wasn’t an initial reaction. I got emotional when she showed me a picture of the day and teared up. I told her I was happy for her - just surprised that she’d not shared this sooner and then pulled myself together.

You are not being unreasonable to be upset by this.
It would be unreasonable to make your upset your niece's problem though.

I bet she kept it private from everyone, possibly because she doesn’t like fuss. Please don’t go on at her about being upset because you’re close. Let her know it gave you a shock but youre happy for her and wish her all the best.