Selfish teen behaviour

[monajoanne]

I think I just need to vent but going for AIBU anyway as I’m so angry and upset with DS. Not sure much can be done about it but open to suggestions.

Teen DS has consistently displayed behaviour veering on the selfish side. I don’t just mean typical thoughtless teen behaviour, which I recognise as normal and all part of growing up - such as leaving mess/rubbish/dirty laundry/crockery/food/wrappers all over the place; leaving drawers/cupboard doors open etc. without consideration of how it impacts others.

I mean he’ll only do something if there’s something directly in it for him (a reward/treat/money/activity/food/trip or somewhere only he wants to go) and if I ask a simple thing like can you just give me a hand with this, it’ll be a no or a full on ignore.

If I challenge him, or ask him why he can’t just come and help, he’ll come out with several excuses, none of which make sense, and obviously the more excuses added to the first original one, the less it becomes plausible - e.g. I didn’t hear you followed by I was busy doing something else followed by I thought younger sibling was helping. That sort of thing.

My younger kids don’t have this trait, and will just say ok, give me a hand and go back to what they were doing, no biggie.

They’ll also offer to share if they have a bag of sweets or make me a cup of tea. Those things are really lovely and I appreciate them doing them as it signals kindness and maturity.

I don’t know what else to do. I can’t change him. I can only explain to him the importance of just helping your family out and it being just something you do rather than it being a means to receiving a reward. Not exclusively of course but ffs just bring the fucking shopping in or take the bags from me while it’s pissing with rain and my arms are falling off.

Makes me so cross but what can I do?

YANBU - he needs to learn to help his family out as an altruistic thing you do
YABU - he’s just a teen, give him a break

Ignore the moaning and keep asking him. He complains because it works, perhaps.

But yes, they are difficult about it at that age, very often. Been there, done that, with mine.

I don’t think I’m too soft but maybe I am. I’m standing firm tonight though, and I can see the tail appearing between the legs already.

Mum can I have a lift? - No
Mum can you wash this hoody - No
Mum can you put some lunch money on my card-- No

When he asks why

I'm doing x, y, z
No I though younger sibling was doing it
No I can't be bothered

See how long before he realises

It took us all a long time to learn / be educated that not every human brain is wired the same. He might not feel empathy / loyalty / social duty in the way the rest of us do. Not the same as being a sociopath(!) just brains working differently. So asking won't work. You need to demonstrate. Stop doing anything for him. No more cooked meals, no lifts, no money, no cleaning. Nothing. No meetings at school, no advice. You will have to show him what it looks like to have no support network.

Once he experiences it, he might start reciprocating support, even just to benefit himself. That might be the only reason he will do it but it's better than nothing or what you currently live with. Please don't send him out into the world with his current behaviour!