Writhing with embarrassment

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I had a panic attack this morning in front of someone I like and respect, and I'm incredibly ashamed and embarrassed. Especially as I didn't explain it at all and I don't know what they thought was happening or what it must have looked like. I don't think it was obviously a panic attack from the outside.

I was doing an activity (which I've been doing for months and they were teaching) and I could feel it starting and was trying to squash it down and get to the end of the session. But it caught up with me and I think apart from breathing oddly I basically just dissociated - so from the outside it probably just looked like I shut down completely and went empty, but breathing a bit raggedly. The person had to guide me back because I couldn't move.
I think they might have thought I was upset that the session hadn't gone well, which upsets me possibly even more because I wouldn't want them to think I was being ... I don't even know... The kind of person who would sulk over not being the best or not being good at the activity? It had nothing to do with that at all though, I know I'm not amazing at the activity and I'm well able to laugh that off.
I don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking it? I can't stop thinking how silly it must have seemed.

You are embarrassed about having a panic attack in front of your teacher? Do you have feelings for them? Otherwise I wouldn’t give it a nano seconds further thought

I'm sorry that happened. I have had them in situations where they just crop up on me and there isn't anything I can do about it. Luckily you didn't turn bright red and then have to bolt for the loo. :)

So how did the interaction with the teacher end? You said they guided you back, what happened after that? Is it a situation where you could now message them and say "I'm sorry if I seemed a bit odd today I was having a panic attack and was a bit out of it". I have long since decided that instead of spending hours upon end worrying about what a person thinks about me I just face the situation head on.

People can definitely tell the difference between panic attack symptoms and someone being grumpy/upset. Sorry it happened to you, I'm sure your teacher is just concerned for your well being and not thinking anything less of you.

That's exactly what I want to do but I don't have contact details for them directly. I'm most worried about how it looked from the outside and them thinking it was a response to the session rather than my own personal stuff.
If someone just totally shuts down out of nowhere, what would a person witnessing that normally think? I have no idea and that's why I can't stop thinking about it.

I would think that person wasn't feeling well... which was true. I can't see why you'd feel embarrassed??

That's a shame is there anyway if getting their contact details or asking someone to pass a message on for you?

To answer your question if I witnessed what you had described I would assume some sort of panic attack or perhaps a form of absence seizure. But I absolutely wouldn't have let you leave without talking to you and making sure you were ok.

After they guided me back I kind of snapped out of it and packed the equipment away etc as normal. Then I went to get changed and my fellow student and I chatted and I cried quite a lot - I'm not embarrassed about that because our discussion was all very rational and I was making sense.
As I left I apologised to the instructor and asked some stuff about the next session but I was still anxious and I think I was babbling a bit. I can't really remember, it's a bit of a blur. But I do care a lot what they think of me.

They did make a point of coming downstairs when I was leaving so maybe they were checking?
I think I could find an email address, but might that make it worse? I don't have any other reason to make contact (booking sessions is done through someone else)

I know I'm probably overthinking it. I'm having a rough time with intrusive thoughts recently and spiralling a bit.

Do you fancy the teacher op?

Not like that. I'm asexual. But I definitely like and admire them a lot and want them to think well of me.

So trust that their opinion of you isn’t going to plummet because you suffered what sounds like a mild panic attack.

Next week just say that things caught up with but nothing to do with the activity

I wouldn't feel embarrassed OP. Panic attacks are well known now, I have them as so do lots of other people. I would recognise if someone was having one.
I'm sure they didn't think anything of it from a negative perspective, and was probably more wondering if you was ok. They are awful things, and what calms me down almost every time is knowing it's not a heart attack or whatever and it won't kill me.

If it’s some kind of health and well-being thing like yoga or meditation they will totally get it and be fine don’t worry.

something else and they may not be so experienced in such things and be concerned. Either way I’d go five mins early next time and have a quick word before class.

There’s clearly a lot going on with you so maybe you need to find another way to deal with some stuff as youre really stressed. Even if you’re not aware of it. Youll get through this. Life is hard. Don’t worry about the class.

They probably didn't think about it since leaving the centre. Especially as they spoke to you after, I'm not sure if it was such a big deal why you didn't mention it then briefly

I wouldn't necessarily recognise a panic attack because I don't think I've ever witnessed one and realised it was a panic attack.
But from the description of your behaviour, if I was someone interacting with you at that time, I would wonder if you were having a health related episode and feel quite concerned about you. As you were still physically present (not fainting for example), I wouldn't want to draw attention to it by asking you questions in case I miss-interpreted the situation. In which case I'd think it would be good if you could perhaps have a sit down and be out of harm's way. So I'd think possibly an episode of some sort but too embarrassed to ask you anything because you're sort of still present. Or perhaps you'd become a bit emotional out of the blue maybe you had a personal problem like bereavement or separation. I wouldn't probe because it would be rude. I wouldn't think anything more about once I saw you leaving safely and independently.

Please do not feel embarrassed, I think you are overthinking here because you hold this individual in high regard.

Pretty much just because I was still in a dissociative state and my brain didn't properly catch up with what had happened until I'd been home for about an hour. It's also tricky because it's the kind of activity they might consider dangerous to do if I'm dissociated.

Thank you. I think it's this more than anything. I'm going to try to put it out of my mind as much as I can. I'm just a bit out of sorts in general and struggling with some stuff.

I do hope things settle for you OP and you will be in a better place. Just try and take it slowly with whatever you do and rebalance this connection between your body snd brain. Force yourself to remember to slow down. Have one moment of true solitude with yourself once a day and don't feel rushed or obligated to do anything during that time.

I think if you’re having panic attacks and then almost having a panic attack (writhing with embarrassment) about the panic attack…, it’s time to get back to therapy if not already op.

All the best

Yes, you're right. I've not had great experiences of therapy in the past and it is also very very expensive, even the 'affordable' options.
But I've made a phone appointment with my GP in a couple of weeks. There is a free bereavement therapy service I'm hoping they might refer me to (my mother died not long ago and I think its only now starting to really hit me)

I'm a bit frustrated with myself really, I thought I hadn't conquered all the anxiety and panic stuff and the dissociating issues. I thought my mental health challenges were firmly in the past and everything was really stable. But everything suddenly feels really unmanageable and I feel sick all the time.
It scares me because things were really really bad for more than 20 years and I don't want to go back to that head space ever again.

I’ve seen people have panic attacks and I’ve never seen anyone witness them with anything other than concern. Please don’t feel embarrassed by it.

Do you live alone op?

close friends?
anyone you can have a chat with and know they love and care for you?