Younger women/older men

[Whyherewego]

I was chatting to a friend who was telling me about another friend of hers who is similar age to my DM ie mid 70s who's started going to the gym. This is because he's worried about keeping up with his wife who is considerably younger (40 I think) and he has 2 DC with her 12 and 10 I think. And then one of my relatives is similar, 70 years old, on his third marriage to a wife who's about 40 and they have 2 DC, 10 and 8.
So that got me thinking about these women when they hit 50, will be juggling peri/meno, uni/ teens, parents starting to go downhill and thinking ..christ if I had a DP who was also similar age what on earth would I do. I don't think I'd cope!
So genuinely curious to know if you've married a much older man, do you think you kept him young, as it were, or are you feeling the burn of it all?

I’m just fine. DH is 20 years older than me, he is almost 70. I’m not sure what I’m having to ‘cope’ with tbh. It’s interesting that you talk about the women juggling and include teens and uni as if the men have no input after a certain age. Mine has been an active parent in our kids lives from day one.

But no I don’t think I have kept him young, he is the age he is, but doesn’t act particularly old. He isn’t the same man I married but after over 20 years I’m not the same woman either. We have grown together well imo

Good point. I suppose Im thinking about my relative, whilst he's an involved dad, he's not able to run around or play football or any of that stuff. He's got arthritis and mobility issues so it seems like the burden falls disproportionately onto his wife

20 year age gap here, married nearly 40 years. He's been a very present dad, 100% supportive of my child-rearing/career choices, and a very loving husband. Age was never an issue until he suffered a critical illness four years ago that left him with dementia. Not going to lie - these years have been truly awful and will continue to be so. Do I regret marrying him? Not for a moment. Any of us could face a critical illness at any age - he was by my side when I had a brush with death in my late 40s. A partner of similar age doesn't guarantee a better relationship or an easier life.

Plenty of younger people have mobility issues.

There are also lots of clubs children can go to if they want to play sports that their parents can’t or won’t play with them.

You are also missing out some of the advantages of a child having a parent around for all the drop offs and pick ups, able to attend all the school events, being with them after school and in the holidays.

Parenting isn’t just whether you can play football with your child or not.

I know men and women in their 20s and 30s who can't run around and play with their kids, due to obesity.

Immobility isn't just for older parents.

Was not saying that parenting was about football. I was simply curious whether it felt to women in these relationships felt like they are carrying a disproportionate load.
I'm a single mum. I feel like I've had to carry a disproportionate load as I didn't have a DH to share it with. I just was curious if age was a factor too.

I don’t think age is although I do think health can be. However, as I said, a retired parent is always around for the child and all their events at school which can be invaluable.

Look at how often parents say they can’t juggle everything because of their working hours. Look at how many grandparents step in and provide lots of great childcare.

Oh. Well I'm the one who wasn’t able to run about when the children were small and whilst DH cannot do it now they are adult/late teens so don’t really need him to anyway. He wasn’t almost 70 when we had children anyway; he was in his 40s which many women also do.

My DH is less than two years older than me. About four years after we married I became a wheelchair user. Nearly 20 years on we’ve had kids and I am slowly returning to work having spent large amount time being physically unable to work, or even look after the children much. It can happen at any age.

Marriage isn’t about keeping score of who does what. Before my return to work I carried most of the mental load with the kids schools, clubs, birthdays and friendships. A couple with a significant age gap may bring different things to the relationship. A dad being unable to physically run around with their kids can still be a fantastic parent. Older people often have more patience. I really don’t think you can pick a single factor on what makes a successful marriage.

I would not have a clue as I do not like to go out with an older man. Specially if I want to have kids.

Why did you open the thread then, never mind post? OP was asking for people in that situation.

To be fair, I’m not in that situation, but I thought my experience as a disabled parent was relevant. Maybe others think differently.

No I think you added to the discussion unlike the poster who just said they were not in that situation. I’m always perplexed at people who come on a thread to add nothing because it doesn’t apply to them. It’s such a waste of their own time.

Thank you. I was starting to doubt if I should have. I’m very good at over thinking things!

I am in a similar situation.

18 year age gap, married 27 years.

An accident followed by a life-threatening bout of pneumonia has left him permanently disabled and changed our lives and it is just incredibly sad for both of us.

But we have ceased to appreciate that being a "carer" actually means looking after the person you love most. And I love my husband and would not change the 25 years of happiness that we had before the accident. He supported me and my life choices and I supported his. We've had some good times.

And much as I hate emptying urine bottles and all the stuff that come with disability, it's a rare life that is untouched by some kind of sadness.

Yes I suppose I didnt really think about the scenarios where one half of a couple was disabled or unable to do equal parenting for whatever reason. So I guess makes sense that stuff can happen in any marriage and you just get on with it

No, he did loads. He was professionally well-established and worked fewer hours than many of my friends' partners who were busy building their careers. When kids were little, he was always home for bath/bedtime and made sure I got time to myself at weekends. Financial security meant I could choose to stay at home or work, with his full support. When he retired, he did all the school runs and I didn't go to a supermarket for years! I worked, fulfilled my ambitions and he cheered me on every step of the way. We had our moments, obviously, but I didn't bear a heavier load due to his age.