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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What is this?

22 replies

FoolMeTwic3 · 01/11/2025 08:39

Posting mainly because I need some outsider views as i dont know if im being unreasonable/needy here or if im actually being manipulated. I apologise as this may be long.

I've been seeing a guy for around 5 months, things have been great but also slightly rocky at times. We have had the "exclusive chat" but have fell into some kind of relationship dynamic already. On Thursday we had quite a heated argument after I caught him going through my phone. Not an issue as i have nothing to hide but id had some suspicions that he had been doing this for a little while.
The next morning when he was leaving he apologised and, for the first time, said that he loved me. However he never spoke to me at all for the rest of the day, we had already planned to see eachother that might but I had to message him at 7.30pm to ask what was happening which was met with a yeah sure. We met and he was completely disinterested, cold and spoke to me in quite a hostile tone, saying how miserable i always look, he can never win, he shouldn't act like he cares when he gets nothing in return. He also said how someone at work had asked if he was seeing someone and his response was "kind of". I silently got my stuff and left.

Im just really confused what is going on here. Like who says they love someone and resolve an argument then continue it on with so much disinterest afterwards and changing it into something else.

OP posts:
Topjoe19 · 01/11/2025 08:40

He's a twat. Dump.

SewingBees · 01/11/2025 08:41

First post nails it.

Going through your phone is a massive red flag, the subsequent behaviour even more so. You can do better than this guy.

Isitsticky · 01/11/2025 08:44

Don't overthink this one. It's been 5 months. Dump.

harriethoyle · 01/11/2025 08:45

Run for the fucking hills as fast as your legs can carry you!!

Sweetbeansandmochi · 01/11/2025 08:46

If we break his behaviour down:
He is a suspicious and jealous person
He has no problem breaking trust boundaries with going through your phone uninvited
He can’t cope with adult to adult conversation so deflects (the I love you was a deflection not a declaration- and who wants that)
His actions say he would rather be moody and distant that take accountability, apologise and move forward- this is a problem

Really, I think you should cut your losses and move on. He doesn’t demonstrate basic character traits that make a long term relationship with him either peaceful, stable nor desirable. That someone makes a mistake is not the issue but how they behave following it tells you what you need to know.

I also think you should be angry he went through your phone. That is an arsehole move.

jeaux90 · 01/11/2025 08:48

Dump. It should not be this hard and definitely should not be going through your phone, it’s a red flag and a path to controlling behaviour

Fidgety31 · 01/11/2025 08:49

Besides him being an obvious twat- it sounds like he said he loved you and then sulked as you didn’t say it back ?

get rid .

TimeForTeaAndG · 01/11/2025 08:50

5 months in should not be anywhere near being described as rocky. Dump, block, move on.

And don't reply with "but I love him and other than these things he's so lovely". Love is not enough.

ResusciAnnie · 01/11/2025 08:51

Weird. Too much hard work. It should be easy and fun.

Also if you have no problem with him going through your phone, as you said, then you wouldn’t have said ‘caught’, because you wouldn’t see it as him doing anything wrong to catch. It’s fine if you don’t want him going through your phone.

GreyCarpet · 01/11/2025 09:00

Not an issue as i have nothing to hide

It is an issue.

The issue isn't whether he found anything or not. The issue is that he completely violated your privacy and probably not for the first time.

After 5 months, I would end it.

What's the alternative? Do you want to be back here in a decade desperately wanting to leave only by then you've got a mortgage and two kids with this man? When the simplest thing would have been to have dumped him now at 5 months?

blackwhitepink · 01/11/2025 09:02

He is telling you what you want to hear. Get rid.

Wishimaywishimight · 01/11/2025 09:03

You think it's "not an issue" that he goes through your phone?? I would have ended things there and then.

Nothing to be "confused" about, this is not a good man.

CosySeason · 01/11/2025 09:11

Leave him be. It’s not worth the hassle so early.

neverbeenskiing · 01/11/2025 09:15

RUN!

Ilovepastafortea · 01/11/2025 09:18

I also think you should be angry he went through your phone. That is an arsehole move.
My DH would never go through my phone. Also he wouldn't answer it. If it rings he will bring it to me or call me to tell me that my phone is ringing. I'm the same about his phone.

Owly11 · 01/11/2025 09:18

Ffs do you really need to ask?

mindutopia · 01/11/2025 09:21

I stopped reading at it’s only been 5 months, rocky at times and you caught him going through your phone. Nope. In the bin he goes.

There may be times in a long relationship where finances and children are involved where you may need to protect yourself with a little bit of investigative work before you make a decision that will have lasting implications for a lot of people.

At 5 months in a barely exclusive but rocky relationship, nope. It’s scary and controlling behaviour and great you know now.

AutumnFroglets · 01/11/2025 09:53

Of course it should be an issue him looking through your phone!! He had no valid reason to look nor did he have your permission.

As for saying he loves you (words) then behaves cold and uninterested (actions) that is how an abusive, controlling person trains you so you are more easily manipulated in future. Little tip for you here OP - believe the actions over words as to what your future looks like if you stay (or any future relationships).

Dump him, block him, check your phone for spyware. Then enrol on The Freedom Programme before dating again as you seem very vulnerable to being in an abusive relationship. You need to learn the signs and how to protect yourself better Flowers

ChineseSpymaster · 01/11/2025 09:54

He is an absolute mess. Possibly dangerous. I don’t know how you could even consider having anything further to do with him.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 01/11/2025 09:58

He doesn't love you.. He was saying it to mask being a twat going through your phone.. Bet he has raised his hands to exes and professed guilt and devotion afterwards..

PoetryEmotion · 01/11/2025 09:59

He didn't like you standing up for yourself. He then tried to manipulate you into ignoring the issue by suddenly declaring that he loved you.

Run a mile OP! If you put up with this now, he'll take it that you will put up with a lot more.

Brightbluesomething · 01/11/2025 10:04

Surely you can see all these red flags yourself? After 5 months there’s no way anyone should be accepting this behaviour.
Saying he loves you means nothing unless his behaviour matches his words. It doesn’t. He was only saying this to manipulate you.
Plenty of men say that they love their partners (as I found out to my cost) when they really don’t. This isn’t a reason to stay.

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