How to handle DM

[Namechangerinee]

Hi everyone

For context stbxh is awful. He had an affair, once I became suspicious his behaviour towards me escalated into emotional/psychological/financial abuse. He eventually admitted his affair a year ago and we separated, he moved out spring this year.

myself and dc went to my parents for Christmas last year, it was obvs not a great one, I got a bit teary after the meal ended, dc had gone off to play by that point - I was explaining something horrible ex had done and that was it, day carried on. I did say it didn’t feel like Christmas, which it didn’t but I didn’t think I’d have to hide my feelings from my own parents.

this year has been equally traumatic, ex attempted suicide twice, has ongoing police involvement, I’m having to supervise contact. I don’t feel like I’ve began to process much of anything. He is living with his affair partner while still denying an affair. It’s just a total shit show. I’m doing my best to day, I put on a brave face and maybe have a cry now and then when the kids are in bed. I’m functioning ok, everything gets done. School said kids are thriving so I’m not moping around failing at life.

i was talking to dm tonight about Christmas and she said

her: yeah you need to make sure you’re not upset this year
Me: what do you mean?
Her: well last Christmas wasn’t very good because you were upset
Me: you’re saying I ruined your Christmas because I was sad?
her: no it just wasn’t very good, you should be saying to me now yeah don’t worry mum, I’ll not give him the satisfaction of being upset, I’ll make sure we have a great day.
Me: how am I meant to know how I’ll feel in two months? It’s one of the most emotive days of the year for thinking about family
Her: it sounds like you’re planning on ruining Christmas by saying that.
Me: what? Why would I plan to ruin Christmas
Her: I don’t know but that’s what it sounds like you’re saying
Me: silent
Her: why are you not speaking? You always twist everything I say into an argument
Me: you should have some fucking empathy, then I hung up.

yabu - get over it
yanbu - she’s selfish

Don’t go to their place for Christmas then.

Sorry OP but I think you are being unreasonable. Last Christmas was understandable that you'd be upset, but even if things are a long way from being sorted out, if you're going to go to someone else's home for Christmas, including that of your parents, you need to make the effort to enjoy the day, and join in, as you would have done in the past. If you can't do this, then I would say to your Mum, 'Sorry Mum, I don't mean to be a misery, but I am still struggling, and really can't guarantee being able to put a brave face on over Christmas, so maybe it would be best if I stay away this year, as I really don't want to spoil it for you again'. Maybe she feels you're wallowing in self pity of something, maybe she's just not an understanding person, but whatever the reason for her speaking out, it's clear that she feels you may ruin Christmas this year, so offer not to go, then if you don't, and she still has a horrible time because you weren't there, well, that's on her, isn't it?

OP, Christmas really isn’t all about you. In a family setting, it should be for everyone, and most particularly for your DC. Your DM was trying to pre-empt a repetition of last Christmas - she doesn’t want you to be unhappy, but nor does she want a dampener on the day for everyone else. It’s not that she’s lacking in empathy - she said she doesn’t want you to give your stbex the satisfaction - and you say you’re not “moping about failing at life”. So why can’t you simply say to her: DM, this has not been a great year, but I’m moving on, and I’m not intending to cry this year. And if the situation becomes too overwhelming, just take yourself off somewhere. From your DM’s point of view, it’s been over a year now, and frankly, you should be able to get through a meal (that has taken a lot of preparation) without breaking down. Forget about your horrid ex, and concentrate on making sure your DC has as nice a Christmas as possible.

This was me last year as well op. I think all you can do is plan according to what's realistic for you. "Firsts" are usually worse and certain times of the year I definitely 'feel' being a lone parent more than others because of everyone being out doing festive things together as a family, but that gets easier with time.

I think you need to think about what a good Christmas looks like for you and your kids and then plan that and she can factor in where she can.

I agree he should not get to dampen your day but equally you are entitled to your grief and we know that's not a linear thing. Are you getting counselling/support with everything you have going on as that's a lot and as you say there's probably a lot unprocessed that you're still holding?

I think I’m upset about this as now we’re in October and there’s been no mention of it being a bad Christmas for them. I know I’ll be fine, I’m not likely to end up weeping at the table again; in fact last year it was because they asked what it had been like in the morning and I explained I came down to see his wedding ring had been left on the shoe unit. It just felt cruel to stop wearing it that day of all days and leave it somewhere where it would be clearly noticed as I came down stairs. Even though I don’t want to be married to him it still hurt.

I’d be accused of ruining their year, withholding contact with my dc etc if I didn’t go to Christmas dinner

Sounds like her clumsy way of telling you your ex isn't worth getting upset over, especially not on what should be a happy occasion.

You were incredibly rude to her.

Her: well last Christmas wasn’t very good because you were upset

A kind and sympathetic person would have said that Christmas wasn’t very good because you were having a terrible time, not because you showered your upset at one point. You should be able to express your feelings to your own parents ffs yes even at Christmas 🙄

You might get more reasonable responses on Relationships, AIBU seems to bring out the worst in people.

Personally I’d be making other plans for this Christmas. Sorry you’ve been having such a rough time, I hope things improve for you.

Your dc isn't a prop to enhance their lives.
Have Christmas at home with your dc.
And be happy you aren't stuck with a cunt ex... He is someone else's problem now.

@SplendidAbsolutelySplendid yes that’s what annoyed me, it’s fine for me to be sad but don’t show it as it’s detrimental to her day. It just feels cold. I couldn’t imagine being like that towards my dc, I’d want them to be honest about their lives whatever day of the year it is so I can support them.

I think what your mum was trying to say was words to the effect of “don’t let the ex’s fuckery
spoil your Christmas. I just don’t think she worded it very well.

One moment you say you’ll be fine and the next you don’t know how you’ll feel in two months. I think your mum is worried about the impact your emotions may have on the day for everyone else. I can understand that.
Make plans for them to see the kids but you don’t need to have Christmas dinner there if you don’t want to.

oh Dear OP, I’m sorry for all you have experienced of late, but very sad to hear your Mother is so unsupportive.

In a Christian sense, Christmas isn’t about suppressing sadness or performing happiness — it’s about making space for grace, even when life feels broken. You can be tearful and still be fully within the true spirit of Christmas.

In Christianity, the spirit of Christmas isn’t about perfection or forced cheerfulness; it’s about love, hope, compassion, and renewal. At its heart, Christmas celebrates God’s love taking human form in Jesus — “Emmanuel,” meaning “God with us.” That idea, God with us in our mess and pain, is the essence of the season.
You are permitted to protect your peace, and it might be helpful to make very simple alternative plans, or, have a chat with your Mum and draw your boundaries. Or explain that with the greatest will in the world, and even with planning, self talk and positive thinking, you may not be on tip top form as you are mourning the loss of your marriage, your family and your expected/imagined future with your husband.

if she suggests you stay away, so be it. Make lovely plans with your children.

I’d feel the same. Life is hard for many people a lot of the time and we should try to support one another through difficult times. Christmas is a particularly hard time for many and the idea that people who are struggling should have to hide their pain from their nearest and dearest is heartless.

Why are you spending Christmas with her then? I wouldn't be, after that.