Thinking of cancelling our Haven trip next week as I just can’t cope anymore

[Actuallytr]

Hi everyone I don’t even really know why I’m posting, I think I just need to get it out somewhere.

My DS (5) is nonverbal and has ADHD, ASD, learning difficulties and developmental delay. He’s in mainstream school at the moment with a 1:1. I also have DD (8) and DS2 (3). It’s been half term this week and honestly I feel like I’ve been hanging on by a thread.

DS1 has been up from around 4 most mornings, constant noise, throwing things, tipping stuff over, just full on from the moment he wakes up. He’s got no danger awareness so I can’t even go to the loo without worrying what he’s doing. DH has been working long hours and it’s mostly been me on my own with them.

I’ve tried to do little things with them, baking, park, crafts etc but it always ends up in chaos and I’m so tired I could cry. DD has been really patient but I can tell she’s fed up and I feel like the worst mum in the world.

We’re meant to be going to Haven next week for a few days, it’s been booked for ages, but I just can’t face it. The packing, the drive, the meltdowns, the noise, trying to keep everyone safe. I keep thinking it’s supposed to be a “break” but it won’t be, it’ll just be the same stuff in a smaller space.

But the other two are so excited and I feel like if I cancel it I’ll ruin it for them. They’ve been talking about the swimming pool and the arcade for weeks. I just don’t know what to do.

Part of me thinks I should just push through and go, maybe it’ll be better than I’m imagining, but another part of me feels like I’ve hit my limit and I can’t do another thing right now. I’m exhausted and feel completely burnt out.

Has anyone else ever cancelled something like this because it all just felt too much? Would I be unreasonable to just say we’re not going?

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

Don’t cancel as yet.

you are tired right now.

Will dh be going as well? If so you can divide and conquer and he can take all three of them at times and give you a break.

Are you the only adult going?

if DH is going then sit down with him over the weekend, while the kids are in bed and explain how hard you’re finding things at the moment. Work out a plan together to ensure the adulting is shared during your trip, which will lighten the load for you.

unfortunately holidays are rarely relaxing for any parents with young kids - it is just the hard work in a different location, and it does sound like you have a lot to contend with at the moment, but the trip should still be an opportunity for you all to have some fun and laughter.
if you cancel and stay at home it’ll be the same as always. If you go it’ll be the same as always, but with added good times!

Leave ds 5 at home with dh for the week and you take the other two. You have to divide.
Are you under children with disabilities team?
Is he at sen school? Do they run holiday day camps?

You have to - for them.
It's shit, and I have no answers.

Your situation sound very similar to mine. I do enjoy holidays with my DC. Me and DH do a lot separately to make sure kids enjoy it, one of us with Autistic DC doing things he enjoys whilst the other has quality time with other DC doing what they enjoy. I wouldn't cancel, it might be just what you all need.

is your dh going? If he is could he stay at home with the ds5? Then you take the other two and they get some real quality time with you?

I know from my own family if the focus is always on the disabled child the others don’t get a look in and resentment starts

Is there such a thing as respite care these days? Could the 5 year old go there while the other two have a different type of break?

I’ve disabled children and I’ve always been aware of how much their siblings potentially miss out on.

I’d take DD and DS2 for the break and then reassess if another one is suitable for DS soon.

You need to look after yourself too 💐

Are there any grandparents or other family members you can call for help from? Would they book onto the same site, or stay with ds at home? It’s the kind of thing I hope I would do my best to help with as and when ds has kids.

i’d consider leaving ds1 at home with dh if that is doable

or if he is coming too make sure that you get a child break and/or time with your other children when away too. Work out a rota.

You shouldn’t cancel. It’s not fair in your other kids and you can’t always just stay home as it will only make life harder in the long run.

Agree, not fair on the other kids at all to cancel. Is DH going with you?

Yeah I'd do this tbh.

Sorry you are having such a hard time atm. You sound like a lovely mum doing all these activities all week whilst juggling all three of them.

If your DS1 would be thrown by all the change and not get much out of the trip, then I agree it might be better for one of the adults to stay home with him, and the other to take the other two away.

I think you might be surprised OP. It will be much quieter on site as its term time so more laid back. A change of scenery might do you all good. I would gather your strength and courage and go try it. I wish you all a fab time x

Can you leave your ds5 with your dh at home and just take the other two? It's not fair that they miss out.

I would cancel. I cancelled a fully paid trip to Thailand because I couldn’t cope with the thought of the flight and kids being jet lagged etc. I decided to cancel week before we went, lost over £10,000. But I think I would have had a mental breakdown if we had gone. The exhaustion got me questioning my will to live.

If you are too exhausted Haven will still be there next year.

totally agree with this. Give your other children and yourself a break from his behaviour and let them experience a normal family holiday, and a non stressed mum.
So sorry OP, this sounds shit.

If you don't go you're on a very slippery slope to your other kids really resenting their brother (they already will do, but this will be a sliding doors moment no matter how you phrase it). I think you either all go, or one parent stays back with your five year old.

Not at this kind of notice, crumbs!

Have you done haven before? As a sen mum I can painfully get where youre coming from and some years that kind of thing is just real life but even harder. Do you think a change pf scenery would do you good? Basically you need a massive break and whatever is going to get that for ylu.

Are you actually able to leave your 5 yo? Because I wouldnt be able to. Just think some posters are oversimplifying it also its
not the poor kid’s fault. He’s clearly struggling. :(

He is, but so are the other two children. If he was going to be super stressed on holiday and make it miserable for absolutely everyone then yes, it makes sense if he stays home and the other two go with the other parent.

Your other children deserve a break and to not miss out even more.

Let dh handle Ds 5. You can’t deprive the other two or they will come to resent and possibly even hate their sibling eventually and sadly yourself and their father.

You have three children and the other two don’t deserve less because of one. Don’t let your other children become glass children.

I agree with the first reply. Don’t cancel it.
Your other children are looking forward to it.
You’ll have to plan when DH can be with him and you with your other two, and then swap.

You fo sound like you need a break in the meantime. Maybe a day to yourself to recharge?