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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sending flowers to work

27 replies

needsalotterywin · 31/10/2025 16:43

Just curious about other peoples thoughts on something that's happened today.
I love my DH but he is quite possibly the most inherently lazy man I have ever known! I do everything at home, cleaning, washing, bins, lawn-mowing etc etc. Before anyone jumps on me and says "you shouldn't allow this" or "LTB", I already know all that - that's a whole other post for another day! The point of this post is that, once in a Blue moon, he will buy me some flowers "just because"- I'm talking once or twice a year at the most and despite me telling him several times in the past that I don't like receiving them at work (I find it a bit cringey if it's not a special occasion), he has today, sent a bunch to my place of work (been here 14 months and this is the first time). Now, of course, my boss and colleagues all think he is some kind of god and that I'm a "lucky lady". Little do they know, he is also as far from romantic as you can get on a day-to-day basis! Do you think men do this on purpose to create a illusion in front of others or am I simply overthinking a nice gesture? He will also, undoubtedly expect a lot of thanks, back-patting and praise for this when I get home (I have sent a thank you text) and although, yes, it's nice to receive some flowers, I'd much rather you get off your arse and do your share towards the running of OUR home!!!! For a bit of context, he is close to mid 50's and I am late 40's, no kids at home (grown up and moved in with partners).

OP posts:
SoScarletItWas · 31/10/2025 16:47

Given that you’ve told him that you don’t like receiving flowers at work, it is irritating and doesn’t consider what you want.

He could just as easily buy some and present them to you at home with a bottle of wine as the flowers were cheaper than Interflora, but I am tight like that.

I do think there’s a performative element actually.

I don’t like getting flowers at all but my DH knows this so gives me better ‘just because’ surprises.

FaceBothered · 31/10/2025 16:50

It's so performative, it's cringy.

But after everything you've told us about him, it's clear he doesn't care about you or your feelings anyway.

Don't feel as though you have to automatically thank anyone for doing something you've explicitly asked them not to do.

Wishimaywishimight · 31/10/2025 16:54

I would hate the faff of bringing them home from work especially if on public transport! Why doesn't he get them sent to the house?

InterestedDad37 · 31/10/2025 16:59

Despite the flowers, he generally sounds rather inconsiderate.

FaceBothered · 31/10/2025 16:59

Wishimaywishimight · 31/10/2025 16:54

I would hate the faff of bringing them home from work especially if on public transport! Why doesn't he get them sent to the house?

Because it clearly matters more to him what his wife's colleagues think, than his own wife.

TattooStan · 31/10/2025 17:07

DH sent me flowers at work in 2007 and I asked him to please not do it again, as we live in the same house as one another! I kept the note card that came with them though, and it's still in my purse!

Yes I'd be unhappy with the performative "Husband Of The Year" act from someone who doesn't pull their weight at home.
If he's a lazy shit, but is happy to spend money on flowers, he'd be better served paying for a cleaner.

Dweetfidilove · 31/10/2025 17:11

You already have the measure of him. They are for his benefit, not yours.
He obviously knows he's lacking, but instead of pulling his finger out, he chooses performative shit.
Leave them at work to wilt over the weekend.

rainbowsparkle28 · 31/10/2025 17:16

Yes he is doing this for his own performative benefit, so that everyone else can see how “great” he is, let alone the complete disregard for the fact you have said before on multiple occasions you don’t like flowers at work 🙄 Continue as you are getting your ducks in a row and end things. Oh, and “accidentally” leave the flowers at work if feeling particularly petty 💐

InSpainTheRain · 31/10/2025 17:38

I wouldn't like that at all if I were you OP. To me it seems performative, like he's showing everyone how great he is. It also smacks a bit of "marking his territory" like your his so no one gets better any ideas! In a professional environment I don't really think it's appropriate, apart from the fact that you then have to get them home on public transport - I bet he didn't book an uber comfort to help with that!

Original poster
needsalotterywin · 31/10/2025 17:42

Just for the record, I have a car (not sure how I gave you the public transport idea...sorry!)
Some interesting thoughts here though, thank you... something to mull over

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 31/10/2025 17:47

Men like that love public gestures. I’m sure you’d appreciate a deep clean of the house more

youalright · 31/10/2025 18:01

I'd be so embarrassed if my partner sent me flowers to work its just awkward in a work place. If he wants to buy me flowers great but my work doesn't need to be involved in that

Alliod40 · 01/11/2025 11:11

So your marriage is just for convenience then ??!! Let him leave and find someone that loves him cause it sure as hell ain't you ffs

ConnieHeart · 01/11/2025 11:24

What a tosser. He obviously just did it for show without considering your feelings. If you ask him why he did it & he replies "just because...." tell him to finish the fucking sentence

Pjnow · 01/11/2025 11:25

Tbh, I doubt whether colleagues are thinking "lucky lady". IMO women who regularly receive flowers at work are usually saddled with men who make them miserable, and who somehow think this makes everything OK.

There's a direct relationship between how often a woman receives flowers at work and how much time she spends crying in the loos, IME.

Bjorkdidit · 01/11/2025 11:35

Definitely performative. A colleague used to do that, he had relationships with several women at our workplace and often used to send them flowers at work.

He obviously thought it made him God's Gift but in reality he was creepy and had a very low opinion of women (I had to work quite closely with him so spent a lot of time in situations where I had the full exposure to his verbal diarrhoea about life, universe and everything).

EatingHealthy · 01/11/2025 11:38

It's not a nice gesture if it's something you've explicitly said you don't like. That said you are sending him mixed messages if you thank him for them. Stop thanking him for something you don't like

caringcarer · 01/11/2025 11:39

After I divorced my exh of 21 years I kept receiving huge bouquets of lillies and roses on my birthday, Valentine's day, Mother's day, Wedding Anniversary and even the anniversary of our engagement. It turned out exh had for years had these flower bouquets set up with a florist and paid for on direct debit to arrive on special dates. I was so angry when I found out because I had always given him credit for remembering himself so I let him carry on paying for these bouquets for well over a year until he must have finally noticed money paid from his bank. Men can be knobs about flowers.

JudgeBread · 01/11/2025 11:45

Alliod40 · 01/11/2025 11:11

So your marriage is just for convenience then ??!! Let him leave and find someone that loves him cause it sure as hell ain't you ffs

He's not going to have much luck if he fucks off to "find someone who'll love him", I don't know many women who'd be happy with a lazy mid 50's man who does fuck all, sends flowers twice a year even when he's been asked not to and expects to be worshipped and praised for this lazy, thoughtless gesture lmao. He's hardly a prime specimen is he.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/11/2025 11:45

Definitely performative, trying to make himself look good to your colleagues. You’ve explicitly told him you don’t like it, so it’s even more worrying that he’s done it again. I think you’d do best to put them in the bin and tell him you’ve done it and why. Given everything else you’ve said about him, why are you putting up with him?

yeesh · 01/11/2025 12:40

I wouldn’t thank him, I would be really embarrassed. My colleagues would think it was hilarious not kind or romantic. He doesn’t care about you or your feelings like everyone else has said.

LoveSandbanks · 01/11/2025 12:41

The only time I’ve ever seen a colleague receive flowers at work my mind immediately jumped to “what’s he done?” This thought was cemented when she saw them
and put them straight in the bin. He’d done somebody else, more than once 🤷‍♀️

TheSmallAssassin · 01/11/2025 12:53

I remember reading an Annalisa Barbieri advice column where she pointed out that if someone kept doing something you had told them you didn't like, it could be seen as them doing something to purposely upset you. Instead of saying thank you for the flowers I would tell your husband this and ask if that is really what he wants to do as that is the way it is coming across.

HouseWithASeaView · 01/11/2025 13:14

As a cynical late 40 something, on the rare occasion that I see a female colleague get flowers, I immediately start mentally reviewing all of the conversations I have had with her in which the man has appeared to look for other examples of when he has tried to control the narrative or other aspects of control. When I was in my 20s, I received flowers at work on two occasions. I didn’t think much of it at the time but, in retrospect, I think the appearance in my office over the following days of one the very few senior women was to check all was OK. The first time, the sender was someone who I’d been on a couple of dates with and then made it clear I wasn’t interested so this was a move by him to pressure me into changing my mind. 25yrs later and I still remember this women who wasn’t even part of my department asking about them, me commenting that I didn’t want to see him again and her saying something like “are you sticking with that decision” and that flowers shouldn’t make a difference. If I had changed my mind, I imagine she might have appeared again! The next time, it was from a very sweet boyfriend who wanted to be the perfect Hollywood boyfriend. Her comment on that one was “young love. Enjoy it while it lasts”.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 01/11/2025 13:45

HouseWithASeaView · 01/11/2025 13:14

As a cynical late 40 something, on the rare occasion that I see a female colleague get flowers, I immediately start mentally reviewing all of the conversations I have had with her in which the man has appeared to look for other examples of when he has tried to control the narrative or other aspects of control. When I was in my 20s, I received flowers at work on two occasions. I didn’t think much of it at the time but, in retrospect, I think the appearance in my office over the following days of one the very few senior women was to check all was OK. The first time, the sender was someone who I’d been on a couple of dates with and then made it clear I wasn’t interested so this was a move by him to pressure me into changing my mind. 25yrs later and I still remember this women who wasn’t even part of my department asking about them, me commenting that I didn’t want to see him again and her saying something like “are you sticking with that decision” and that flowers shouldn’t make a difference. If I had changed my mind, I imagine she might have appeared again! The next time, it was from a very sweet boyfriend who wanted to be the perfect Hollywood boyfriend. Her comment on that one was “young love. Enjoy it while it lasts”.

I needed a woman like that in my life when I was in my 20s :)

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