NC after years of accusations from MIL and out of the blue gift

Happyhalloween1 · 2025-10-31T15:47:15+00:00

So we have been NC with MIL for a bit over a month now, for reasons that have built up over the years such as lies told about me, false accusations, and any excuse to cause drama and to pull me down to her level of childishness. MIL told a massive lie about me recently and basically made my DS (only 7) to be a liar as well, as well as my friends and family members (she went for them all) So enough was enough. Today she left gifts for my DC in my DH unlocked veichle . I told DH to take them back and leave them outside her door, and if she wants to start giving our children gifts again she can start by facing their parents first, making ammends, and coming to actually see them. (She hasnt seen the children because of the lies shes told ( I was always the one to take them to her) and she hasnt made any effort to see them either) was this the right thing to do? Should I have accepted the gifts for the childrens sake?

CrustyBread1977 · 31/10/2025 15:48

What lies did she tell?

EmmaOvary · 31/10/2025 15:49

No. She’s hoovering. Ignore.

Littlemissbubbblles · 31/10/2025 15:53

Yes, you did the right thing. Do not accept the gifts. NC means just that

Tourmalines · 31/10/2025 15:56

Don’t know . Need more info of exactly what lies .

MrsPinkSky · 31/10/2025 16:02

You haven't mentioned your DH in all this except to say you told him what to do.

How does he feel about what his mother's done?

ResusciAnnie · 31/10/2025 16:02

Nah. We’re NC with a family member. Why would our kids be around someone we don’t want to be around? Unfortunately for your MIL (fortunately for you), NC with parents means NC with under 18s too. It follows that that means no gifts.

mrsmumbles · 31/10/2025 16:08

If you accept those gifts she will absolutely view it as some sort of tacit endorsement by you of whatever her current agenda is. She will ascribe all sorts of meanings to your acceptance of those gifts and consider various doors to have been reopened. She'll do all this in her own head without any evidence or confirmation from you.

Feel very free to return them immediately without complaint or explanation and consider it a bullet dodged!

Well done for recognising this though by the way. Your worry that you might be depriving the children of something is probably exactly what she is trying to stimulate. You've done good for recognising that and getting support to critically think about it - congrats and a hug!

Original poster

Happyhalloween1 · 31/10/2025 16:12

MrsPinkSky · 31/10/2025 16:02

You haven't mentioned your DH in all this except to say you told him what to do.

How does he feel about what his mother's done?

Edited

DH is also NC and has been the one to sort of take the lead in saying “No more”

OP posts:

themerchentofvenus · 31/10/2025 16:12

Rather than giving them back (in case they are an olive branch), I would start by getting your DH to message her and ask her why she left the gifts given she accused your children of being liars, and that unfortunately, unless she wishes to apologise and shows some remorse for her actions, you will be unable to accept the gifts.

This could be her way of starting an apology.

If she doesn't apologise then just return them.

FeetupTvon · 31/10/2025 16:13

Maybe she’s just missing her GC?
What’s your dh’s opinion on it all?

MrsPinkSky · 31/10/2025 16:16

Happyhalloween1 · 31/10/2025 16:12

DH is also NC and has been the one to sort of take the lead in saying “No more”

Show quote history

Ahh ok, you just made it sound like he wasn't involved, even when you said 'Should I have accepted the gifts'.

I don't see a problem in him returning them as he'll want to anyway.

How did she know he'd forgotten to lock his car?

mrsmumbles · 31/10/2025 16:17

themerchentofvenus · 31/10/2025 16:12

Rather than giving them back (in case they are an olive branch), I would start by getting your DH to message her and ask her why she left the gifts given she accused your children of being liars, and that unfortunately, unless she wishes to apologise and shows some remorse for her actions, you will be unable to accept the gifts.

This could be her way of starting an apology.

If she doesn't apologise then just return them.

But an apology isn't a multi-stage process, it's not something you "start". It's something you do, and it only involves saying "I'm sorry that I did X". Gifts without those words are just gifts, they can't sub for the actual words. Gift giving in the circumstances being experienced by the OP is absolutely a hoovering tactic, as a pp above said.

Original poster

Happyhalloween1 · 31/10/2025 16:19

Tourmalines · 31/10/2025 15:56

Don’t know . Need more info of exactly what lies .

There have been many over the years, mainly false accusations of things that are simply not true and have evidence to prove this time that what she has said is not true, but the evidence is not good enough and she will add further false accusations onntop of this to make herself feel better. Shes said things like, its my fault her husband has a bad chest (no idea how) shes accused me of knowing that a certain member of the family had covid and accused me of keeping it quiet (how could i know a person had covid if the person in question themselves didnt know at the time?) shes accused me of “making a fool of her on purpose!” (Never done anything of the sort) and “speaking poorly of her to my DS because they are not close any more” (I have never spoke poorly to my children of their grandmother, DS just happened to see for himself what sort of woman his grandmother is) shes accused me of “saying nasty things about her DD (my SIL) which I have not, my SIL spoke very poorly to me about a year ago and I simply explained what her DD said and how much it hurt me , but this was taken as me being “a nasty horrible person” so yes ive had enough.

OP posts:

themerchentofvenus · 31/10/2025 16:22

mrsmumbles · 31/10/2025 16:17

But an apology isn't a multi-stage process, it's not something you "start". It's something you do, and it only involves saying "I'm sorry that I did X". Gifts without those words are just gifts, they can't sub for the actual words. Gift giving in the circumstances being experienced by the OP is absolutely a hoovering tactic, as a pp above said.

Show quote history

And that's how conflicts continue, because an apology can certainly be a multi-stage process.

Some people find apologising really challenging and do things like this to get the ball rolling.

Littlemissbubbblles · 31/10/2025 16:22

Nope, she’s playing with you. Who leaves gifts in a car??
She could, and should, turn up with said gifts and apologise.
Did the gifts come with notes of apologies? I suspect not……

Original poster

Happyhalloween1 · 31/10/2025 16:23

Happyhalloween1 · 31/10/2025 16:19

There have been many over the years, mainly false accusations of things that are simply not true and have evidence to prove this time that what she has said is not true, but the evidence is not good enough and she will add further false accusations onntop of this to make herself feel better. Shes said things like, its my fault her husband has a bad chest (no idea how) shes accused me of knowing that a certain member of the family had covid and accused me of keeping it quiet (how could i know a person had covid if the person in question themselves didnt know at the time?) shes accused me of “making a fool of her on purpose!” (Never done anything of the sort) and “speaking poorly of her to my DS because they are not close any more” (I have never spoke poorly to my children of their grandmother, DS just happened to see for himself what sort of woman his grandmother is) shes accused me of “saying nasty things about her DD (my SIL) which I have not, my SIL spoke very poorly to me about a year ago and I simply explained what her DD said and how much it hurt me , but this was taken as me being “a nasty horrible person” so yes ive had enough.

Show quote history

Im so sorry this just came out as one massive rant 🙈

OP posts:

Littlemissbubbblles · 31/10/2025 16:30

@Happyhalloween1
my mil is the same, twists everything, never her fault. She’s the victim in circumstances she created.
Shes 82 now, has no one….. I hear it’s still everyone else’s fault!
She has four children, ten grandchildren and extended family. No one invites her to anything.
It’s a shame. But she just can’t be nice

Nearly50omg · 31/10/2025 16:32

Hell no!!! After all this have NOTHING to do with this psychopath ever again!!! Certainly never let your children anywhere near her either!!!

OnlyOnAFriday · 31/10/2025 16:36

The only thing you’re being unreasonable about is considering having contact with her again if she makes amends. Someone who has done this won’t change. And it will be a repeated pattern of behaviour. My mum did exactly the same, said something awful about me to Dd and when called out on it accused my Dd of lying, I know it was said. Went NC. I had to protect Dd and put her first, not allow her to be caught up in batshit mind games.

OnlyOnAFriday · 31/10/2025 16:38

I’d just bin the presents as well. Don’t take them back. She’s using them as a reason for contact to be made/conversations opened.

Zempy · 31/10/2025 17:15

Well YANBU to an extent, but I really wouldn’t give them any opportunity to make some shit fake apology.

Just stay NC and take any future gifts to charity shop

Howwilliknow122 · 31/10/2025 18:23

FeetupTvon · 31/10/2025 16:13

Maybe she’s just missing her GC?
What’s your dh’s opinion on it all?

She can miss them as much as she likes, she should treat their parents better then if seeing her grandkids is so important to her.

@Happyhalloween1 please lock your car doors.