First Christmas separated from H, what is fair?

[Sothisisitis]

Two children.
Ex Husband is off on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. One child’s birthday is on Boxing Day.

What would be a fair arrangement?

Ex has stayed in the family home which the kids are attached to. We co-parent.

Lots of important factors how close do you live and how old are the children? If distance isn't an issue definitely seems logical to swap from Christmas day afternoon until Boxing day afternoon. That way you both get part of each day. Might also be worth considering if either of you likely to be working next xmas day if you want to create an alternating schedule

Did you even read my post before quoting it?

• obviously not.

I said what works well for my friend and so suggested OP does the same.

But then my last paragraph says to do what the kids want to do.

The kids get a say but it is not fair on them to expect them to choose between their mum and dad.
Its much kinder to the kids to have a routine that switched every year so they are not the ones having to make such a massive decision.

@NConthe Well actually my suggestion to anyone else would have been to alternate years completely to reduce the disruption for the children, but the Boxing Day birthday complicates that, assuming that the birthday child may want to see both of their parents on their birthday (especially since it’s their first birthday since the split). So I amended my suggestion accordingly.

Friends of mine still spend a good part of Christmas together having split several years ago, for the sake of their children. Her ex visits early on Christmas morning and stays until after lunch, every other year he takes the kids with him for the night and has them Boxing Day. Personally I think it’s close to ideal but it wouldn’t be for everyone.

Hard to know what's best without asking them though, isn't it? How do you know they'd prefer to stay in one place and not see one or other parent over changing location to spend time with each? Answer, you don't. So you either ask them or you decide for them. Just because the OP is speaking in terms of being fair to her Co parent doesn't mean she hasn't thought about her DCs interests.

My comments are based on the fact that separated parents always talk about what they “get” out of the arrangement. Not how the kids might benefit most. As have all the posters on this thread.

The OP has managed to withhold one of the most important pieces of information though, the children’s ages

Yeah I read it 🙄 otherwise I wouldn’t have quoted it would I?

Personally, I think the fairest thing for the children would be to spend Christmas Eve until Boxing Day morning in one place and for the parents to both spend a few hours together with the children on Boxing Day as it is a birthday and then alternate houses each year. Every other suggestion puts pressure on the children or disrupts them.

This 100%.

I was the child of divorced parents and it was fucking HORRIBLE having to split Christmas, Boxing Day and New Year so it was fair to my parents. No one ever asked me what I wanted - which was not to be in the sodding car, on the motorway, being driven between houses all the time. I hated it with a passion and dreaded Christmas each year, as it was never about me, it was always about what was fair for my parents, and whose turn it was .

Divorced parents can often tie themselves up in knots making sure they get their equal share of time with children. But trust me - I can state from bitter experience that children don’t want that. Don’t make your children cut Christmas Day in half. It’s fucking horrible. Just don’t.

I only d cent thing my school ever did was to agree our DC would be with me Xmas Eve and Xmas day and go to him on Boxing day and 27th. I know it was because he didn't want the faff of making their Xmas stockings or cooking their Xmas dinner but I was so grateful he agreed that. I know he always bought them takeaway on Boxing day but that was fine. Now they are adults.

I think it depends if both parents would be prepared to make the stockings and cook the Xmas dinner. If 1 parent will but the other just refuses then the kids should not miss out. If both willing then maybe one does Xmas Eve and Xmas morning and other does Xmas afternoon and Boxing day provided that it does not mean more than half an hour in the car on Xmas day.

My exH and I alternate. So one year I have them xmas eve to boxing day morning and the following year we switch. The year I don't have them xmas day, I dont celebrate it at all and we do our xmas day on boxing day (they love it!). But... we do have an agreement that the parent that doesn't have them xmas day does get to visit them xmas morning for stocking opening and xmas breakfast as it is important to the children that they see us both. Personally I find this really hard but it means so much to them that I suck it up! Unfortunately my exH GF banned me from the house last year (even though she wasn't there) but I still went to see them but I had to stand on the doorstep. This year is my turn for xmas day and my exH has said he is going away with his GF so won't see them. They're pretty upset tbh but they are older now (15 and 11) so understand a bit better at least

You haven’t mentioned Christmas Eve. I know it can be a working day but we include that. One parent has the kids Christmas Eve and one parent has the kids Boxing Day then Christmas Day is split in half. We do live very close though so only a 5 minute drive on Christmas Day and the kids like this arrangement. (As a PP said this was horrible for them)

10 and 14

We live close by - 10 minute drive.

Relatives - we don’t tend to see them on Christmas Day.
Boxing Day - My family want to see DS on his birthday. But so will ex’s family, both ex and will want to see DS and it’s likely that he will want to remain in the familiar family home.

Christmas Eve - Ex is working and I’m off. Normally I see my family for a little party with the children.

Then you have them Xmas eve until after lunchtime on Xmas day. Ex has them Xmas day Pm to Boxing Day/ birthday afternoon then you have them on the evening.

I think if you know birthday child would rather stay in family home for birthday, then they should stay there for birthday.

So maybe you have kids 23rd and Christmas eve day for Christmas and party with your family, kids go home Christmas eve night until 27th morning and then you celebrate "birthday" 27th and 28th or something like that. Kids get 2 celebrations, adults treat the days they have the kids as the celebration days and the kids stay in the familiar family home if thats where they would rather be

They are humans not dogs ffs

DD alternates. She does 23rd to 27th, it's been like that since we split when she was 5. I didn't want the magic to be disrupted by us swapping her between homes, plus she loves us both (and her GPs) so gets to spend a proper amount of time in each place. She chose where she wanted to be the first year and it's been alternated ever since - she's now 20 and still chooses to do the same.

Honestly i couldn't give a toss about Christmas (and have zero Christmas spirit) so I just let me ex have the day. But I go round to open presents in the morning, hang out for a bit to play with new stuff then pop off to my mum's for lunch and then call back for an hour in the afternoon / early evening.

But that all depends on you getting on well enough to be able to do that without any acrimony. My daughter is also only 7 so doesn't want to be dragged around between houses when my ex's house is "Christmas central"

How you play it depends on lots of things. How do you and ex get on and what do the kids want?

You could split each day so you both see them Xmas day and your son’s birthday. You could go round Xmas morning and Boxing Day morning for presents together then arrange stuff with each parent for the afternoon.

What’s fair is what works for the kids.

My kids prefer going between houses because it means they get to spend a bit of Xmas with each parent (and get double the gifts on one day). We are similarly close to each other so it doesn’t mean “hours on the motorway”. We split hols 50:50, so have a week each with the changeover on Xmas day before Xmas lunch. We alternate who gets which week.

Ideally they’d probably like us to still be together but (the older two in particular) hate it when we tried to do joint celebrations so that’s not necessarily the child-friendly solution some people think.

For birthdays, whichever parent they are not staying with has them over for dinner.

That’s life for most children from broken homes. 🤷‍♀️

It's really about what the children want. But they might be too worried to be truthful in case they upset a parent

If this is the first Christmas since the divorce I'd let them stay in their main home, where they're happiest , and you have them on the 27th onwards

Next year swap

"Broken homes" - didn't realise it was still 1970. Not all divorced families are "broken", I can assure you letting a child grow up in a dysfunctional family is much more broken.