should i give my child’s father another chance to be involved?

[boundariesandbaby]

Hi everyone, I really need some honest advice. My little boy’s dad has been out of the picture for almost a year now, and in truth, he’s never properly been there. He dips in and out when it suits him, and every time I’ve given him another chance, he’s found a way to ruin it. It’s always felt like he cared more about keeping me around than actually stepping up as a father.

He lives recklessly — drives an illegal vehicle, smokes weed constantly, and doesn’t seem to take life seriously. He’s even been aggressive towards me, once right in front of our child. I’ve tried to be understanding, but I’m at a point where I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by even considering letting him back in.

Has anyone been through something similar? I just don’t know if I should open that door again, or if keeping him away is the only way to protect my little boy.

How old is your son and does he have feelings on the matter?

If he's very young or doesn't care either way, I'd probably wait and see if he takes you to court.

You should not be happy to have someone who could kill your child or condone a trade where others are killed to be part of your life.

I am sorry your self-esteem is so low that you are even considering it.

Maybe you should rephrase the question? "Should I give my son´s father yet another chance to hurt my son?" The older your son gets the more he will see what a loser his father is, it´s not a nice feeling.

Picture in your mind what it'll be like if you let him back in.
from what you've said, your child would be more at risk (how would you feel about him driving your kid about?) and you would be at risk of violence. Regardless of the horrible impact of domestic violence on you, seeing that will do damage to your child.

NO

Think of this from another angle, if this was a new man who you knew all this about, would you move him in with your child or let your child have regular contact with him? If the answer is no (which it should be) just let him fade out of the kid’s life. Don’t do anything at all to help him be in the kid’s life. He is a total loser. Edited: I missed the DV in the OP

My instinct is to say no. But there's always this tug towards offering a child a relationship with their father which I understand

The proble is that the chances are the moment you open the door, all boundaries will be smashed and it will all end badly. sadly. So I'd continue to say no.

What is driving this sudden concern? Has he asked to be allowed back in? Are you thinking of reaching out to(that's a definite 100% NO)? In the meantime, has he done basic things like paid CMS or acknowledged where he's been abusive?

We've only just managed to get this through to protect kids, you don't need to bend over backwards to accommodate a bio parent who is a danger to them any more https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx2lxgp58j5o

that’s very harsh, it’s not about my self-esteem — I just want to make sure I’m doing what’s best for my son. He wouldn’t ever be taken in the vehicle, that’s not something I’d allow. I’m just trying to figure out what level of contact, if any, would be safe and healthy for him.

What does his father want or is asking for?

I completely get what you mean, and I think deep down I already know you’re right.

He’s asked to come back into our son’s life, but he hasn’t paid CMS. It’s just hard when there’s that part of you that wants to believe they’ll finally do better.

well, right there is evidence that no, he's NOT wanting to do better.... he hasn't coughed up a penny towards his son.

I know that we're not supposed to say, "if he doesn't pay, he doesn't get to see his child" but for me, it's actually about the fact that a man who doesn't feel any guilt about not contributing financially to his child, is a man who is very unlkely to actually be one who is adding value to that child's life in person.

You can't be a father if all you do is turn up for the odd day out.

what exactly is he asking for? I think you are well within your rights to reply calmly but firmly, "You havent behaved like a father, including not paying anything towards supporting him. If you want to be a father to him, prove that you really care by a) contributing financially and b) offering a set schedule of how and when you will see him."

But honestly, I'm not sure it's worth it because I very much doubt he has any intention of doing any of this. It's far more likely that he's just trying to get back into your space.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this — it sounds like you’ve tried so hard to make things work and give him chances, but he’s shown you repeatedly who he is. That kind of instability can be really damaging, especially for a child who needs consistency and safety.
It’s completely understandable that you’re torn — most parents want their kids to have both parents around. But from what you’ve described, it sounds like his presence causes more harm than good right now. Protecting your little boy and creating a calm, secure environment for him should come first.
If he ever truly wants to be involved, he needs to show long-term change — not just words, but actions. Until then, it’s okay to set firm boundaries. You’re not keeping your son away out of spite; you’re protecting him.
You’re doing the right thing by thinking this through so carefully — that alone shows what a good parent you are. ❤️

He wants back then set a schedule of say meeting at a play centre once a week at set time for 2 hours. If he can maintain that for three months tell him then you can talk about increasing contact

Just tell him he can organise some supervised contact at a contact centre.

If he does that then great. If that's too much effort then there's your answer.. He can convince a judge he is serious about stepping up..

He’s saying he wants contact, whilst not paying a penny towards raising his son? On top of a shit load of reasons why he’s not a suitable person to be around a child.
If he sorts himself out, pays a fair amount and still wants contact then discuss it in the future. Until then it would be a no from me. Would you really want him influencing your son?

What is in the best interests of your child? That is what matters.

Here's some advice for you.
Tell him to start paying CMS for his child right now and after 6 months you'll review the situation.

That way you'll see very quickly just how serious he is about seeing his son.
If he really genuinely wants a relationship with his son he will do anything to put things right.
He doesn't get to Dip in/out just because he's his biological father. You really need to be the responsible adult, that means making tough decisions on what's best for your child.
I hate to say this (hope I am wrong). You won't see him for dust, he'll argue why he has a right to see the child. He only wants to be hanging around you, because he sees you are doing fine without him. That's the way these men think. It's always about them.

Ask yourself this question: What has he ever done to show he really cares about your child?

Exactly! I’ve tried to explain this to him too, but he always says I “shut things down.” The truth is, I’m just being cautious and protecting my son, because anything he suggests never seems consistent or actually about him.

Thank you so much, that really means a lot. I want to do the right thing for my son, but I’m not sure what to look for in terms of long-term changes versus short-term signs before even thinking about offering contact. What kind of things would you suggest I watch for to know he’s genuinely ready and capable of being involved?

I completely understand why you want to believe that this man will do the right thing.
The problem is that he is not a do the right thing person. He knows that you are a do right thing person and that you are easy to exploit because of that.
He does not care about the safety and well-being of his child, one of the most fundamental things about being a parent is the desire to protect your child and he does not have that!
For him this little lad is just a way to exploit you, to get some leverage over you. A way to get you to do what he wants, a way to get a foot in the door, get his feet back under your table, get you to work for him for free & all that jazz.
We all know the script and we speak from bitter experience, listen to us.

Every time I’ve given him another chance, he’s found a way to ruin it.
First of all has this man changed anything about himself? If not then don't screw your child up any more by letting this man back into their life.

Secondly, why do you think having an aggressive, drug addled, law-breaking man around your child is a good thing? You need your own therapy as to why you think your child's emotional, mental and physical well being isn't worth protecting as much as this man's "wants and desires". Try and find a therapist experienced in abuse and stop this abuse cycle right now.

My ex walked away when dd was 2. He initially pushed for supervised contact.. He didn't bother turning up. Whereas I dragged dd out one cold and soaking winter's evening to get there...
She contacted him when she was 21 as he had gone on to have another dd. She dumped him 2 years in. No bond /no connection and she told him straight her precious time could be better spent with wjr actual family!
She says she def hadn't missed out. He was clearly a loser!! Her words.

If you suggest a contact centre..
Does he organise it, pay, and turn up. Consistently and for months.

If you agree a regular soft play/park arrangement ... does he turn up, consistently, for months. Does he treat you respectfully during this time? Does he engage with your child or try to focus on you?

If hebwants to be a father is he able to contribute financially.... consistently, reliable and over the long term.

What i have seen with exBIL and SIL over snd over again is that he reappears. She allows him as much access as he claims he wants.... but he doesn't really want it. So the moment she puts a boundary in (he must spend time with their child away from her house or he must let her know in advance when he wants to see him, for example), it all instantly falls apart. Or he will agree... and after 2 weeks.she thinks everything js fine but of course, he cant/won't maintain that.

Dont be my SIL.

Honestly? I would probably do as much as I could to limit contact. He sounds like the last thing your son needs in his life.