Is this an unreasonable way to leave

[ChocolateSqueezyyogurts]

Long story short I've been seeing somebody from work for around 8 months, every thing is good most of the time and we get on well. Recently he has started to change showing signs of controll and playing mind games. One example is if I go out with friends I get the slient treatment, he wont answer the phone and will ignore my messages. He's never wrong in his eyes and if he does something that upsets me and I call him out for it im sulking and I end up apologising to him! Its only afterwards I think that he's manipulated me to thinking im wrong. I can't cope with these mind games any longer but working together is going to be hard, he's a manager in my department at work and is very close to the other managers in the department. I know I have nobody at work I can trust to tell this too as he will make out he's not like this and im crazy. Im thinking now to apply for jobs on the sly and just hand in my notice when I find something and go off sick and cut all contact. I hate to do something like this but honestly this man controls my life and it's making me ill so I wouldn't be lying by going off sick. Would that be a really awful thing to do?

Chuck this one back in the bin 🗑️ OP.

What is your notice period if you find another job?

It would only be 4 weeks

He's a controlling bell end.

Work out how best to leave, then leave

Lots of people shitting where they eat today. 🧐

You wanting to split up with your partner and your partner being a dick is not your company's fault. So, no, you're a grown up with grown up responsibilities (that you are getting paid for!), of course you can't go off sick! Dump him. Resign. Do whatever you want. But don't expect your company to pay you whilst you're doing it! Or your colleagues to pick up your responsibilities. Grow up!

I wouldn’t leave a job I liked over this but I would not have got involved with a close manager either; it would only complicate things even if the relationship turned out well.

It’s not clear from your post whether you’ve actually split up with him. That’s the first thing you should do, as he’s clearly a twat.

You can frame it as being uncomfortable with being in a relationship with a manager in the same department and getting the relationship back onto a work footing.

Then carry on at work as you were before.

Alternatively if you don’t like the job and/or it’s easy to get another similar one, then leave. I wouldn’t do the sick thing personally, it will look suss and it’s best to leave on as positive terms as possible especially if the industry is small. It’s not the company’s fault you’re bruised after a break up.

Yep he’s an asshole.

Find another job, then get signed off with stress until your notice period finishes.

Agree you should end this and agree it would be best to leave. Completely reasonable.

Many years ago someone told me never to shit on my own doorstep, but what’s done is done.

Do this.

Ridiculous advice. She needs to get through the break up in a normal, adult way.

But let’s play this through: she hands in her notice. She takes a week self-certifying and then goes to GP (who won’t see her before she’s had the self-cert week) and exaggerates her symptoms to get three weeks signed off. While she’s off, the new place contacts her company for references. Possibly including how much sick leave she’s taken. That will look GREAT to the new employer.

Would she be considering a month off sick if she’d split up with someone who she doesn’t work with? I doubt it.

Why should her employer pay for her choices? Leave by all means, he sounds like you definitely need to get rid but don’t lie yourself a free paid holiday out of it at someone else’s expense.

She could do this. But then she'd be as big a prick as him. She gets to sit at home whilst her company loses out, her colleagues lose out and presumably her customers lose out.

People with genuine health issues get so angry about the media portraying sickness related benefits claimants as being fake. You are the reason. You, the OP and other posters who are advocating for her just going off sick are the reason. We have to find a way to stop entitled pricks like you negatively impacting so many other people for their own entirely selfish reasons.

OP, why haven't you just dumped him? I don't understand the bit about people not believing you. Why do you need to tell people why you're splitting up? You don't even need to tell him. Just finish it. Tell him it's not working or whatever. You're going to give up your job and defraud your company by faking illness when you could just say to your boyfriend that you'd like to split up. Sledgehammer and nut.

It’s sounds like he could make her life at work difficult.

No, don’t leave your work- just tell him you want to be single.

You know when everyone told you not to get involved with someone at work, but you ignored the advice.

This is what they meant.

He could make my life at work very difficult if I stay.

Of course it's not awful, it's fine. Presumably someone else would be supplying you with references and he wouldn't even know that until the new job was a done deal?

If you don't actually want to leave your job, though, are you sure you can't go to HR and give them a heads-up that you're ending the relationship and are worried about retaliation? And keep any messages where he's been acting controlling etc, obviously - anything that could be evidence if you needed it.

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She didn’t chose for her manager to be an abusive boyfriend, that’s all him. Arguably if an employee is mistreated by a manager that is the company’s responsibility.

There’s a good reason why it’s not a good idea to form relationships in the workplace, especially within a chain of command. She chose to take that risk. Boyfriend is awful, but it’s still not the company’s responsibility to take the hit for that, unless she takes it to HR as a complaint.