To avoid socialising with this group now?

[Weirdest]

I worked with two women in 2021-22. For clarity, I will refer to them as “A” and “B.” They both left that employer in 2022 but I stayed on, got promoted. They were nice/supportive and we regularly met up and stayed in touch. They’re not my main group of friends but I would say a friendship group emerged where we all collectively socialise together - I saw them more as friends vs colleagues. We regularly go to each other’s homes, travel together etc. I was a bridesmaid for “A’s” wedding. There’s a meet up soon for her birthday too.

Last year, things with me and our ex-shared employer ended up going south, I was mistreated & I left and explored the tribunal process. I told the 2 of them what had happened. “A” was totally supportive. However “B” was less concerned about me, she saw it as juicy gossip and started to pry. For example raising the topic randomly when I hadn’t mentioned it, or random comments about my job title in comparison to hers, or openly discussing it in front of others who I haven’t confided in. When I got a new job, the first thing she asked was how much am I getting paid and is more than the previous role. Or she’s asked if I have received compensation. I find her line of questioning to be quite crass and I see her as a fake friend.

Aibu to start distancing myself from this group, mainly to get away from “B”? I don’t want to cause an issue for “A”, but it’s not likely that I can maintain a relationship with just her as “B” will always be invited, like the upcoming meet up.

Of course you can still remain friends with A, you can just meet her separately. If she is a good friend, hang on to her.

As you currently always meet as a group A will have heard B’s questions. I would contact her, explain how you feel and ask if she would be ok with meeting up with you separately in future.

The worst that can happen is that she says no, which is pretty much what you feel must happen anyway. Or she may have quietly been thinking you have been remarkably tolerant of Bs nosiness and understand why you have gone off her. She might be happy to see you separately. By not giving her that choice you would be tarring her with the same brush as B and dumping her when she has done nothing wrong

But surely you just said ‘Why do you ask, B?’ Or ‘Could you stop raising the tribunal in front of other people? It’s a sore subject, as you’ll understand’? at the time? Why is your only option dropping her? It seems an insane overreaction to some behaviour from a friend you presumably otherwise value that yiu could just challenge.

Thanks everyone. At the moment “A” doesn’t socialise much with friends - after having her baby, she prefers group outings to see everyone at once. I know she found certain aspects about motherhood hard so I’m not wanting to add any unnecessary drama on her plate, if that makes sense. But it’s sort of a package friendship.

She has noticed the overbearing questions before. “B” does it with her too. But it doesn’t bother her as much.

@BreadandCircus to be honest when those things have happened I haven’t been on the ball mentally to respond like that. I’d just change the subject to not respond to inappropriate questions. It’s hard but when you’re dealing with huge life events, the last thing I want to do is confront someone who I saw as a friend. It’s only now that I’ve moved on from that workplace, that I’m starting to feel more like myself & less drained.

Plus it’s not a one off thing, it’s been multiple occasions over the last 1-2 years. I just think cumulatively, she’s not the right friend for me.

It doesn’t have to be confrontational, though. It could be a perfectly good-humoured ‘Why all the questions, B?’ I see this a lot on Mn, where people drop supposedly valued friendships or family relationships over a single issue they haven’t tried to address.

Obviously your choice, if you don’t actually like her, anyway. But it seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face if it will involve dropping A as well.

@BreadandCircus The thing is I don’t see “B” as a valuable friend, and it’s not a singular issue. You probably don’t have direct experience but it was a situation where I had gone through the worst period of my life, potential lack of income, poor health etc but her approach made me feel worse. It was an additional set of issues that I didn’t need on my plate. Plus she’s a grown adult, I can’t be teaching her basic respect and expect her to change - this is just who she is.

Agree with previous poster, seems mad that people so easily just ‘drop’ people because they haven’t learnt an ounce of assertiveness. This is a minor issue that can easily be addressed by having a quiet word, or just laughing it off every time.

People really have lost it.

We're not there so might be wrong but this feels like you're making a bit of a meal of this. I get that it's odd to ask how much you're earning but the rest just seems like friends chatting. There's a fine line between showing interest and being nosy but one people's line may be different to another's. Neither is wrong. If you don't want to talk about it, just say, 'can we change the subject, it's all been a bit stressy and I just want to forget about it'. It's not confrontation. She hasn't done anything wrong. Its just steering a conversation.

Well yeah I literally did “lose it” - Why are you expecting me to be assertive in the moment given that my doctor had signed me off work due to the impact it was having on my health? It’s hardly the time for me to be thinking of jokey responses or to call someone out.

For me, I wouldn’t have treated someone in my shoes in that manner.

@HoskinsChoice To be more clear, when I would say similar, she would continue asking and/or bring it up the next time including over messages. It felt like a boundary was being pushed. I was vague about the employment issue but in general terms I reported my manager’s sexual harassment, it was a difficult situation to be in as I ended up losing my position. So her prying, made me feel uncomfortable. I was managed out, and had to contend with a loss of income, loss of career etc. It was a significant event.

Plus when she asked me how much my new job pays - that was literally her only reaction to me being out of those financial pressures. No congratulations or being pleased that I was out of a poor situation. At that point, I would have taken any job to make ends meet. It was like she was just testing me to see if I earned more than her.

Information you did not share when you posted. Either way you seem to struggle with communication.

You’re free to make any choice you like, but you obviously don’t feel confident in those choices as you have posted for opinion on a public forum.

I mean, I would have thought (to an intelligent person) that mentioning an employment tribunal would be sufficient information to get across the seriousness of the issues involved, without having to share more than I felt comfortable with. It’s not a decision taken lightly, but clearly you lack experience.

You keep saying that people ‘lack experience’ if they disagree with you.

It’s certainly not true in my case. I’ve dealt with difficult passages with friends involving delicate or upsetting/traumatic ongoing events. Most people have. I’ve also had an employment tribunal situation in the labour court. It was draining and upsetting. It went on for several years. I was a shell of myself. I’m also in the process of reporting a historic instance of CSA at the moment.

But if someone asks me questions I didn’t want to answer in a social setting, I say ‘That’s not something I want to talk about, as I’m sure you’ll understand’. I had to say it to my sister last night. I don’t just decide to drop an entire friendship group rather than use my words to protect my privacy and signal a boundary about prying.

I think if she mentions it again say its not up for discussion as I find these type of nosey people have no boundaries

My ‘experience’ of employment tribunal’s are that they occur when the employee wants to challenge the reason for their dismissal ( or managed out as you say in this case) Not always an indication of serious matters, I’ve seen someone start a tribunal when they were sacked for bullying ( they were a terrible bully at work and the tribunal did not go in their favour) Others who disagreed with being dismissed for high levels of sickness etc. People really do try their luck, or at least try and win some compensation

It sounds like you’ve had a horrible time recently and that is stressful and can that can sometimes blur your judgment or temporarily feel things more sensitively than usual.

I hope things work out for you OP