Birthday. AIBU

[halloweeenn]

NCd to protect anonymity
id like the impartial view of my internet stranger friends please because im really conflicted as to whether im being unreasonable.

for context i barely go out. And that’s through choice.
my DH goes out with the same group of friends he’s known since college probably once every other month.

he is a brilliant husband and dad. He’s kind and thoughtful the majority of the time.

its my (48F) birthday in about 2 weeks.
ive been asked by my DH (52M) what i would like to do. Like everyone, our lives have been incredibly busy. We have 4 teenagers so they aren’t little but come with a whole other world of problems as you may know!

I said I just wanted to have a day of peace and quiet, followed by a family meal at our local pub.

perfect.

Until DH messages me on Monday to ask if we can go for dinner earlier so he can go the bar with his friends.

I made a tongue in cheek comment along the lines of no you can’t run out on me on my birthday. When we got home from work that evening I said BTW I honestly don’t mind but made it known i wasn’t happy.

as the week had progressed i felt more annoyed about it. I really tried not to but I couldn’t change my feelings!

he asked me twice the past couple of days why i was annoyed/ hostile. When he asked me the first time i was honest and said it does annoy me that you are running out on my birthday but it’s fine.
then tonight he asked me again and i said i told you! I’m annoyed about the situation.

then came the reason for my post.
he said ‘well I don’t have to go. I can call it off if you want’

after I mentally flicked him on the forehead the realisation set in.
hes putting this on me. I’d prefer him to say something like ‘I see you’re annoyed. Maybe I misjudged. We will stick with plan A and I can see my friends another time’

he knows I’m annoyed yet he’s putting the decision on me. Be a grown up about it ffs.

AIBU to let this annoy me??

** additional important information
last year on my birthday id called to my brothers house after work to collect our dogs. His wife was serving up dinner and offered me a plate so I accepted. I text DH to tell him not to keep anything aside for me (he gets home at 2pm so does the majority of the week day meals)
we hadn't arranged anything for my birthday. Work as busy and the kids had exams so it was just a normal day.

I rang DH on my way home and he’d gone to the local pub with our 3 daughters! I laughed it off but again as the days went on it annoyed me. They’d gone and had a birthday dinner without me. Yes I know I ate with my brother’s family but they might have waited until the weekend! We could have all went together

i think this has magnified my annoyance

im in the throes of menopause so fully aware that my logic may be impaired!

thanks for reading

He's being incredibly thoughtless. I would be very upset too. I can't believe he even entertained the idea of leaving early?!

I suppose it’s all based on person to person.. if your friends invited you out on your DHs birthday would you say yes?

I personally wouldn’t but lots of people would still go out..

has he seen his friends recently? is he in any stress? If not I’m sure they can reschedule unless it’s hard to get everyone set to go out at a specific time..

You're not unreasonable for being annoyed, he's being a thoughtless dick.

However where you lose me and I think you are being unreasonable is all this bollocks:
"I honestly don’t mind but made it known i wasn’t happy." "it does annoy me that you are running out on my birthday but it’s fine."

Is it fine or not? You want him to be a grown up yet you're pulling this highschool ass "it's fine I honestly don't mind!" when you clearly do mind. You're literally telling him it's fine and you don't mind and then being pissy and passive aggressive with him. If it's not fine just fucking say so. Don't soften it, don't pretend you don't mind, tell your husband and father of your four children that he's being a twat, with chest, and stop with the mixed messages.

Thanks both. No I wouldn’t go out with friends on his birthday.
he last seen them maybe a month ago.
not in any stress
they want to go to a local bar to watch a rugby match so nothing major

I guess it’s the way it’s been handled.
theres no way I’d have done this if the shoe was on the other foot. I’d tell my friends it’s DH birthday that day can we do another night?

Thanks for the directness

im a chronic people pleaser and i guess in my mind i wanted to be ok with it but at the same time wanted him to know id rather he didn’t go out.
he works hard and i want him to have time to himself.

the difference is i wouldn’t have even asked if it were the other way round

This.

You can't give mixed or hidden messages then get annoyed when he doesn't respond as you expect. .

He was being unreasonable..... but so were you.

Say what you mean.

Difference is.... he isn't you.

You cannot get upset when someone ELSE doesn't behave the way YOU would in a situation.

See the thing is being with people pleasers is exhausting because you literally never know where you stand with them. It's a constant guessing game because you say you're fine even when you're not and expect your loved ones to just read your mind and know when it's a real fine and when it's a fake one. It's really, really draining.

I am a reformed people pleaser myself and let me tell you, learning to be direct and just say what I mean the first time has been an absolute game changer. Once you do it once and realise the world doesn't end if you upset someone or hurt someone's feelings in the name of better communication overall, life becomes so much easier.

And suddenly you'll find your loved ones piss you off less, because you're actually telling them what pisses you off, so they have something to work with. You don't have to spend days stewing and feeling annoyed because you'll be resolving things there and then.

Honest. Just start saying "I'm pissed off and here's why" without sugar coating it, shed the people pleaser, it's the best thing you can do for yourself.

Is the rugby match a special one? Would it be hard to get together another time?

He's still trying to spend time with you and also his friends - sounds like he's trying to be a people pleaser too. I'd have just said "how about we do dinner the day before/after since I know these meet ups are important?" tbh

And last year is on you. You decided to spend your birthday dinner away from them. They carried on with their plans, maybe feeling a bit put out even that their surprise for you was ruined because you decided your brother's family was more important than them on your birthday.

I'm not a great one for birthdays but even by my standards your H doesn't really seem to have much interest in making sure you enjoy yours. It comes over that he really takes you for granted.

I think his behaviour taking your dds to the pub and not bothering with you last year was actually pretty shocking in it's total lack of consideration.
And the fact that this year he is more interested in his outing with his pals to watch the rugby than in your birthday says a lot about where you stand in his estimation.

You really need to be more assertive and say how you really feel about things. Because at the moment I think he really just takes you for granted and doesn't think you count for very much.
.

Stop giving mixed messages.

”No it’s not fine, it’s my birthday, cancel please”

This 👆Tell him what you want instead of making him guess. Otherwise he’ll do what you’ve said he can and you’ll remain disappointed.

Well I thought you weren’t unreasonable until I got to the bit about you unexpectedly staying out for dinner on your birthday last year. It seems like you want him to be hanging around at your beck and call waiting for you to eventually tell him what you want. If you want to do something for your birthday, make clear plans and stop needing about.

Well, you've given him mixed messages saying you're fine with it and now you're not fine with it! If you don't want him to go then just ask him to rearrange seeing his friends. It seems like you're making a drama about something that is quite straightforward and just requires effective communication really 🤷‍♀️

It wasn’t like that at all. No one is at my beck and call, believe me!
I called to my brothers to collect the dog. His wife was serving dinner, they had enough for extra portions and she threw me a plate together.
the plan otherwise was me coming home to eat whatever he had made.
o rang DH to tell him I didn’t need dinner, at that point he decided to go to the pub with our girls

There was a great thread on here a few weeks ago by a woman, also a people pleaser, who was sharing a great 'hack' she'd discovered to deal with unreasonable requests from her husband and others.

I'm annoyed I can't find it now to link it but the general gist was....

She'd respond to unreasonable requests with "what do you think you should do?", or "how do you think I'd feel about that?" or "you're a grown up. You decide what you should do here."

She said it made her husband reflect on his requests, consider them more carefully and take responsibility for his own decisions rather than just always asking permission and putting her in the role of decision-maker.

Apparently he was stunned at first not to just get the usual green lights but when forced into making adult decisions, he did actually choose to make the right choices. It seems like a good route to take to a) make people self-reflect on their requests b) show you their priorities once you see the choices they make.

My husband would not do this.

the pub dinner thing was incredibly insensitive! To pay for a meal out for the whole family without you on your birthday - really odd.

I think you need to set a clearer boundary. Yes I really mind, please do cancel thanks

This ⬆️
Reformed people pleaser here too.
Only once you start saying what you actually mean (“no I’d rather you miss the pub this once and spend my Birthday with me instead”) do you get to be annoyed by their reaction if they still go.
He’s taking you at face value. You said it’s fine so he’s still going! As PP said, it doesn’t matter what you’d do in the same situation, he isn’t you.
Just be honest and cut the passive aggressive stuff.

I get you but PP is right.

It's not too late to say "i do mind, and I am disappointed that you have turned it back on me to give you permission or restrict you. I would have hoped that you wouldnt even have asked in the first place and that you would have tried to make my birthday the evening that I wanted".

You are being very unreasonable to give such mixed messages about what you want!

”I said I honestly don’t mind, but made it known I wasn’t happy”

”It does annoy me that you are running out on my birthday, but it’s fine”

Work out what you want and say it. Don’t say it’s fine then secretly fester over your hidden annoyance and expect others to read your mind.

You're another one of those Mumsnetters who tells their partner something is OK, and then complains when the husband believes her.

If you wanted him to have the whole evening with you on your birthday, you should have bloody told him that. Not said 'It's fine' and then been a miserable bugger about it for days and held a passive-aggressive grudge about it.

If you tell someone something is OK, do not expect them to know that you actually meant completely the opposite of what you told them. People aren't mind-readers.

I also find it really irritating when people say 'He shouldn't have asked in the first place, he should have just KNOWN what I would want without even mentioning it'. Why? You mention that you're not very sociable, it wasn't a 'big' birthday, you wanted to keep it low-key - so I don't really know why he would be expected to guess that you would be offended if he asked about meeting his friends on the same night. Why do people play these daft mind games where they set a test for their husband, without telling him it's test, and then get pissed off when he fails the test he didn't even know was being set for him?

The example you gave about the previous birthday when you had dinner at your brother's house on your birthday and told your husband that's what you were doing and that he shouldn't worry about keeping any dinner for you - I really, really don't see what he did wrong by going the pub with your daughters. You had already decided to spend the time eating at your brother's. Why would you expect your husband and kids to sit at home without you, when you'd literally told them you weren't bothered about eating with them? You'd chosen to do something else!

"i do mind, and I am disappointed that you have turned it back on me to give you permission or restrict you. I would have hoped that you wouldnt even have asked in the first place and that you would have tried to make my birthday the evening that I wanted"

I don't think I'd stay married to a partner who spoke to me as if I was 12 years old and he was my headmistress telling me off for drawing a cock-and-balls on the blackboard.

YABU because you told him you don’t mind, it’s fine blah blah blah

Re your birthday last year, you told him don’t save you anything, you chose to eat at your brother’s

it seems the man can’t win.

You want him to be a grown up? I think you need to do a little growing up yourself first.

OP you aren't communicating clearly enough. Stop saying "it's fine", "I don't mind" - clearly, you do! And that's perfectly ok.

You are at least partly responsible for this situation. Stop people pleasing so much and be clearer about what you want. And ignore your DH's attempts to manipulate you. I think he knows he'll get his own way with a little guilt trip. Stop feeling guilty!! And learn how to pur yourself first.