Meeting up with an ex for the kids - beneficial or weird?

justanotherboymum · 2025-10-30T16:07:03+00:00

Inviting your ex for an outing already arranged with the kids. Both parties have new partners, they aren’t invited. Not a special outing like a birthday or sports day, just a random one. Beneficial for the kids or weird?

Raisedinthe80s · 30/10/2025 16:07

Totally fine. Good for kids.

ThatGladTiger · 30/10/2025 16:09

Weird. If everyone was going that is different!

Draw the line or the children will get confused.

CraftyNavySeal · 30/10/2025 16:10

A random ex? Yes that’s weird.

The kids dad? No it’s not weird to invite their own dad somewhere

Pleatherandlace · 30/10/2025 16:12

My parents used to holiday together, with us kids, after their divorce. It was awful, confusing and weird. Be friendly for sure but you’re not a family anymore,
don’t pretend to be one.

Beamur · 30/10/2025 16:14

Weird.
Fine for special occasions.
My DH and his Ex used to go for dinner with their kids for birthdays. New partners also invited.
It's generally not appropriate to play happy families and is confusing for the kids primarily.

CardiganCat · 30/10/2025 16:14

My friend and her ex still spend a few hours together on their kids birthdays, and Xmas morning so that they can both see their children open their presents. They also sometimes go for a meal for other big events, like when one of their children won a sporting competition. If parents can get on, it’s really beneficial for the children to see their parents together and being on the same team/page with parenting them.

eta

They've recently gone to the theatre together as one of their children’s favourite things was on and they wanted to see it with both their mum and dad.

DaisyChain505 · 30/10/2025 16:17

It’s sending mixed messages to the kids I believe. It’s great to be civil and friendly but spending time together is confusing the children and it’s not a realistic way to continue on. When either one of you has another partner on the scene and possibly children by another person you would not continue this set up so don’t start something you won’t see through.

Keep it friendly and peaceful and show the kids you can be friends but that doesn’t need to mean doing actives together, the kids may ask if you’re going to get back together or be confused. They need to know clearly that you’re separate.

DomPom47 · 30/10/2025 16:17

I think this is good coparenting. Surely the kids seeing their parents getting on and spending time with them together as positive. One of my long time friends parents did this when they had divorced. As well as birthdays, religious celebrations they would also do things with the kids over the school holidays like going to the theatre together or a museum. Due to the dads working patterns it wasn’t 50/50 time share but closer to 70/30 so not sure whether this had anything to do with it. But looking back on her parents relationship post divorce she has nothing but positive memories and thoughts.

NuffSaidSam · 30/10/2025 16:18

Special event or special reason - fine and good for the kids.

As a regular thing, for no special reason - probably a bit confusing for the kids.

I don't think it's 'weird' though, you can see the intent behind it (to do what's best for the kids) even if that's misguided.

toomuchfaff · 30/10/2025 16:18

It all depends on the situation; if you're pretending its all fine and happy family.

Its ok if its something like school awards ceremony - both parents go; new partners don't - absolutely fine

its not ok if its something like a family event; a family holiday and the face is presented that you're still all one big happy family - because you're not. If the parents both have new partners then there isnt a big happy family. It may be too early for new partners to be on the scene; but still needs clarity that mum and dad are not together anymore.

WhyOhWhyEightyTwo · 30/10/2025 16:19

Weird.

Boomer55 · 30/10/2025 16:20

My ex and I, after 25 years apart, - after divorce - agreed to be civil for our adult children. My second husband had died, ex was unattached, and it works for us.

We’re just friends - nothing more - and it makes life easier. 👍

TheZanyZebra · 30/10/2025 16:21

Depends on the outing and how often that happens?

Dweetfidilove · 30/10/2025 16:23

Perfectly fine if you two get along okay.

Periperi2025 · 30/10/2025 16:28

My best friend split when her kids were 3,5,6 they are 18, 19,21 now, she used to spend time with her ex, he'd often pop in to say hi and do family parties together etc.

Friend, his ex, her sister and BIL, ex's new partner and 7 kids between them all rented a cottage nearby one Christmas as nobody's house was big enough.

Friend kids have said recently how both friend and her ex did a great job and didn't mess them up at all (high praise from a teenager).

Friend says some of the shared events in the early days were awkward for her.

I'm divorcing now, and have every intention of trying to make family events/ trips workable with ex and he wants to try this too.

outerspacepotato · 30/10/2025 16:30

Unsustainable, especially when both have new partners. Plus, it just confuses the kids and can get their hopes up about their family getting back together.

Snorlaxo · 30/10/2025 16:38

If the parents aren’t careful then it could ruin the process of their kids bonding with new partner. For example if parent and new partner want to take the kids on holiday or somewhere special, they could end up wishing it was their other parent rather than new partner.

I think that the co-parents who make it work are lucky. Is the secret to involve the new partner(s)?

tragichero · 30/10/2025 16:58

I think it's a great idea - we did it today in fact, and our daughter is 14! It makes her really happy, and we get on well still so why not?

We have never invited other partners, as they have no real significance in her life (neither of us cohabit with anybody else. I don't even have a proper boyfriend at this point, and DD isn't keen on her dad's partner, so it would kind of ruin the day for her if she came.

themerchentofvenus · 30/10/2025 17:01

@justanotherboymum it's a great idea!

If you get on fine then it's nice to show a united front, that you can still go out as a family, and enjoy yourselves without conflict. It's a really good example to set the kids.

WhyOhWhyEightyTwo · 30/10/2025 17:12

themerchentofvenus · 30/10/2025 17:01

@justanotherboymum it's a great idea!

If you get on fine then it's nice to show a united front, that you can still go out as a family, and enjoy yourselves without conflict. It's a really good example to set the kids.

Really, did you have separated parents who did this, was it not confusing for you as a child?
I have been with my husband since his daughter was 4 and get on really well with his ex wife, to the point where we have Christmas lunch together some years. My husband goes to parents evenings with his ex and they might grab a coffee on the way but he’s my husband, It probably is insecurity but I wouldn’t like it at all if they had days out together without me. I don’t think DH ex wife would like it very much if her partner had days out with his ex either, people aren’t robots, it will obviously cause a negative feeling in whoever is left sitting at home.
I am really proud of how my family is blended together so well and I think it’s brilliant that my step daughter has grown up seeing that me her mum and dad are all friends but there does need to be a boundary I think.

Brightbluesomething · 30/10/2025 18:03

If the kids will benefit from it and it’s what they want then why not?
I’ve been out with my ex for family meals for both my DC’s birthdays this year. And I popped round last weekend for a few hours to say hello to his mum who was staying with him. We had a laugh and DD enjoyed us both being there.
Thankfully he’s divorced again as if his second wife was there she’d have been furious. But she never understood how ex partners could co parent well.
It does depend on the new partner dynamics but in principle it’s fine.

tragichero · 30/10/2025 22:48

WhyOhWhyEightyTwo · 30/10/2025 17:12

Really, did you have separated parents who did this, was it not confusing for you as a child?
I have been with my husband since his daughter was 4 and get on really well with his ex wife, to the point where we have Christmas lunch together some years. My husband goes to parents evenings with his ex and they might grab a coffee on the way but he’s my husband, It probably is insecurity but I wouldn’t like it at all if they had days out together without me. I don’t think DH ex wife would like it very much if her partner had days out with his ex either, people aren’t robots, it will obviously cause a negative feeling in whoever is left sitting at home.
I am really proud of how my family is blended together so well and I think it’s brilliant that my step daughter has grown up seeing that me her mum and dad are all friends but there does need to be a boundary I think.

Show quote history

I think if there is insecurity like that, it's better to root out the cause of it.

For example, my exH's new partner may well feel insecure regarding his relationship with me. She was the OW and their affair was the reason I left him. Even though they have stayed together, it's probably true to say that on some levels he will always love me more as the mother of his child - but sadly he blew his chance at that!

But if we had split naturally and then he had met someone he genuinely loved loads, she would have no earthly reason to feel insecure about us meeting. So if she did, I would suggest they worked on that, together or seperately, to find out what was causing it, not just ban the meet ups with me that are triggering it, if those meet ups are beneficial for DD (which they are). DD'shappiness would always be my priority over any new partner he had and her feelings, even if I really liked her.

Does that make sense? I don't mean it to sound unkind, and I realise everyone's view is different.

tragichero · 30/10/2025 22:57

I have been thinking about this thread today, and the whole focus on not confusing the kids/getting them to accept it's over.

It just doesn't sit well with me, this concept of denying kids stuff that would undoubtedly make them happy, just to ram.home the message that your parents are now separated and you will never get to experience time with both of them ever again.

Kids aren't stupid. They realise their parents are separated when one moves out. I don't think the message needs underlining 800 times in blood and tears.....

The message I would rather give my daughter is that, whether her dad and I still love each other as partners or not, she will always be the absolute centre of both our worlds, so we are of course happy to spend time together and be civil to each other, if that makes her feel happy.

She is 14 now (we split when she was about 5). After we all went out bowling then shopping today, she did say to me, imagine if that's what life was like all the time, if you and dad were together and spoke to each other with that degree of politeness, laughing at each others' jokes etc, constantly....

And then we both laughed, because we both know life isn't like that, and if her dad and I had stayed together, life would have been one long argument, occasionally punctuated by him swanning off to shag anything with a pulse, as remains his wont, despite his relationship with the OW. (You know that saying about when a man married his mistress.....)

I really like him as a friend. He really likes me. We were an absolutely wful couple. But we can absolutely have fun together with our daughter, and surely that is the very least any separated parents can give their child..... I know she loves us doing stuff together, because it shows her just how much we both really really love her.