To wonder if this is the start of dementia or similar?

[Isheagrump]

DDad is in his early 70s, lives alone since dmum died 10 years ago. Her death hit us all hard, and he was never the most upbeat person - mum was the can-do, positive one. Dad was always the one who would list all the reasons NOT to do something.

He has enough money, volunteers 2/3 times a week, plays a sport 2/3 times a week. He’s
5/6 hours from me but we probably see him every 6 weeks or so - we go to stay for a few days/ week at a time or he comes to us and stays.
However in the last year or two I’ve noticed that in top of his usual ‘ it was all better in the old days, the world is going to hell’ Victor Meldrew moaning he now gets angry about the most mundane things.
Is really snappy and bad tempered, arguing with the news, commenting on things that don’t affect him - parking charges in another part of the country that he has never been to, the bus pass age going up in England when he 1. Has free travel 2. Has never lived in England!
A good old rant. Now shouting about small boats despite living somewhere with zero illegal immigrants.

It’s constant. It’s driving Dsibs mad as they live near him and find his constant moaning really irritating. But I think it’s more - seems like a real personality change plus he’s getting forgetful, reall forgetful.
I’m aware that he’s probably depressed and has been forever but that’s a no go discussion area with him

anyone experience this?
YABU - normal older person behaviour
YANBU - seems like there’s more to it - get him checked out.

Is his social circle and online time spent with the same limited topics being discussed?

He’s social circle is the volunteers he works with - mostly women- and the sport he plays - mix of women and men around his own age, but I can’t imagine they’re all bitching about parking charges in other countries… other than that it’s family.
But he won’t do anything different or new or go to extended family events anymore - it’s like any joy has been sucked from his life.
Even the activities he does now he does because I basically spent months talking him into them after he retired though he does enjoy them and the company.

He’s not really online for anything other than following football and sport

The first signs of dementia for my DMIL was forgetting things, like what she'd ordered in a restaurant and putting the kettle on fo tea but forgetting to make it (although that's normal for me). There were also a lot of repetitive questions or statements.

Does this happen at any particular times of day ? There's part of dementia which causes odd behaviour in the evenings, known as sundowning. This sort of behaviour could br related to a UTI, they have weird symptoms in the elderly.

God, the kettle thing - I do that! It’s just this anger mainly, he really takes offence easily now and can be hard to talk to because he’ll over react or take something the wrong way.
He needed glasses, obviously needed them so I suggested he got an eye test.
Was furious about it. Ranted about it, about my interfering… Eventually went, yes he needed glasses.
Moans constantly about Dsibs not calling or coming to see him - they see him about once a week, invite him for lunch, to the cinema, to sports events. He doesn’t call them.
But they have stopped coming to the house because he’s such a misery - they’d rather see him with an activity involved.

My DMiL had a personality change. She went from a lovely bubbly, friendly person to being very quiet and introverted. However, the warning sign for us was the repeating of the same conversation. She would tell us her dog had barked at people walking along the alley 3 or 4 times in the hour!
She developed agoraphobia and wouldn’t go anywhere, not even in the car.

It might be worth posting this on the Elderly Parents board, all the veterans of similar situations hang out there and will be able to give some good practical advice, as well as offering insight from their own experience.

What I will offer is solidarity x navigating age related decline of any sort and trying to provide or organise appropriate support is very challenging. Also family dynamics and relationships can muddy the water. You sound kind and invested and obviously wish to prepare for / head off potential crisis down the line as we all do for those we love, but sometimes it's not an easy path.

My Dad was mostly upbeat and positive despite all sorts of stuff going down in his last year of life, but his filters were wafer thin and he also took a keen interest in politics and current affairs and was not shy about voicing controversial opinions. Made for some lively discussions which I miss hugely now, but I can totally understand your concerns.

Memory issues may need to be investigated and if diagnosed early enough things can be prescribed to slow the progress of things like dementia (MIL had that).

Key to the whole process at this stage is the fact that as long as a person has capacity their cooperation is key in all matters as far as doctors and authorities are concerned.

Which brings me back to suggesting the elderly parents board.

Whatever happens moving forward, I wish you, your Dad, and your family all the very best.

Dementia can present with lots of different symptoms at the start and is often confused with depression or stress so no one on here will be able to answer your question definitively. My mum had a rare dementia so the onset wasn't necessarily the same as for many others - the first symptoms I noticed were a lack of interest or motivation for her usual pursuits and some difficulty expressing herself, as well as forgetting things and asking questions she 'should' have known the answers to.
But personality changes should always be checked out, regardless of age or cognition.
It sounds like he might be resistant to this but I would highly recommend he see a GP as a start. If he won't and your concerns deepen or you think he is not taking care of himself properly I would suggest adult social services, but depending on your area the bar can be very high and waiting lists very long. Do you have family nearby that can check in on him more regularly than you are able to?
I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds stressful, especially as you aren't nearby.

Can I also second the recommendation of the Elderly Parents board. I suggest the Dementia/Alzheimer's board as well. It was invaluable to me while I was caring for Mum. There are frequent questions on there similar to yours

Thanks, I’ll speak to the sibs about what to do next. Between us we make sure dad has stuff to look forward to as much as possible, he’s just been on a 5* holiday with one of them paid for by them, we’re visiting him at half term with the grandkids, we’ve got a nice whole family Christmas planned… and for his birthday we’ve clubbed together to take him to his beloved football team on hospitality tickets…

Will draw straws to see which of us will try to approach him about a GP visit! I suspect it might be me because as I live the furthest away I can avoid being in the end of daily wrath about it …

Life is difficult as an older person in a world that is very much centred on young people. It's very easy to feel marginalised and resentful in a society that considers the elderly as at best unimportant and at worst a nuisance.
It's very easy to get into a mindset of seeing all the things that are wrong in the world - and there is plenty of it- and not appreciate the good things.

With my MIL, the first signs were repeating herself, she started telling the same stories multiple times a day and started to talk about her childhood a lot - I think because those memories were still clear. She didn't have personality changes as such but I think it depends on the type of dementia though, frontal lobe dementia can cause quite severe personality changes. How forgetful is your DDad becoming?

It does sound like it would be sensible to get him to the GP for a check up if you can. It could be that he's suffering from depression, it could be the start of dementia, it could be another medical problem. Good luck OP, it's not easy dealing with elderly parents who don't want your interference!

Thanks for all the good advice.