First Time Mum

[FirstTimeMum2789]

First time mum, sleep deprived so no idea if I’m being hormonal- help!

Context LO is 9 weeks old. DH had four weeks paternity leave. During this time LO was in hospital 2 1/2 weeks. She is constantly sick, very unsettled, rarely sleeps and is constipated. Anyway fast forward a few weeks they think she might have several allergies as she has lost a considerable amount of weight and can’t keep her milk down and is very, very unsettled.

Day time sleep is a rare she’s either crying or staring in to space exhausted she will sleep in her swing sat up or on me. However, I’ve been advised not to let her do this as she’s not old enough to support her head - I do let her because she needs to sleep but I constantly check her. No chance for me to sleep when she does! Im
sacred I will fall asleep though!

By nighttime she’s that exhausted she will sleep for anything between 1-3 hours before waking having a bottle, being sick crying and then will stay awake for 1-2 hours before falling back to sleep. I am also finding it hard to sleep of a night as she was sick in her sleep on two separate occasions and started choking.

DH is back in work he leaves at 6am gets home at 5pm. He will take over when he gets in and tells me to try and get some sleep. I do all the night feeds as he has a manual job and I am scared he will hurt himself. Of a weekend he does the night feeds but it’s so difficult to sleep because of her crying.

I’m so mentally exhausted from her crying I find I’m terrified she will choke in her sleep I am drained. With the multiple hospital trips. The long stretches of a night I don’t think I’ve slept properly for weeks.

last night was by far the worst! She was awake from 11am - 1.30pm fell asleep until 2.30 and then was awake until 5.30 then woke up again at 6.20. I asked my husband not to go to work. He said he can’t not go to work because I’ve had a rough night. I am exhausted I feel sick, dizzy and I can’t even sleep when she sleeps. I am currently looking at her I her swing trying not to fall asleep. Hating him for going to work!

I am being ridiculous aren’t I? I just need to sleep! Any advice?

Oh OP that sounds really, really tough going. Is there anyone that could come to help you?

Can you go for a walk to get your baby to sleep? The swing doesn't sound a safe option. The fresh air should do it.

What milk is your baby on now? My DC had a cows milk allergy and we had a special milk from the hospital in the end.

I had a baby like this - chest-sleeping saved us, and shifts.

This sounds awful, being a mum in those first 12 weeks is hard! I promise you it won’t last forever. Have you got anybody who can watch your baby for an hour or so? You need to catch up on some sleep or this will break you. Just do what you can to get yourself through the tough times. If you really have nobody call your health visitor ASAP!

This sounds like my first child. He had reflux and a milk allergy. He outgrew this from around the age of 1 and once he was consistently on solids.

What have the hospital currently advised? My son was prescribed gaviscon initially (although this made him constipated) and then we moved onto nutramigen formula which really helped.

My other advice is co sleeping. My son was only happy when on me or he would doze in the swing chair. I went through so many box series in the daytime sitting on the sofa with him snuggled in and at night he would start in the next to me crib before I would eventually move him fully into our bed. Do read up on the 4th trimester. I feel that my son just wasn't quite ready for the world and still needed the comfort of being close (he was slightly premature).

It is horrible when you are in it, and the days can be long, but you will get through it.

Thank you for your replies. Tried walks, we’re normally out for an hour where she screams the whole time and then I have to bring her home as she’s covered in sick. Never sleeps though.

both sets of parents have offered different advice. One gets overwhelmed when she tries to help because the crying is so much and the MIL and FIL just visit and make comments. Both sets keep telling me she’s fussy and it’s normal. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

This sounds unbelievablely hard OP. I'm no expert but whenever I see posts like this my first thought is always CMPA/silent reflux.

Have you been given anything for it? Both my babies have ended up on amino acid formula with carobel and omperazole which made them completely different babies.

Oh gosh, the sick! I remember going through so many outfits and the dread of going out and them throwing the milk up everywhere! My son was like a fountain.

What are the hospital doing? If they aren't doing any follow ups you need to be a pest to the GP. Speak to them about reflux and allergies. Ask about trying formula (if that's what you wish, else my friend cut dairy from her diet to enable her to continue breastfeeding).
Don't let them brush you off as an anxious first time mum (I know that's what they felt about me and I am sure if I looked at the medical notes they would have put something about having possible PND rather than acknowledging my actual concern).

They keep telling me to try gaviscon and reflux medications before prescription milks and things take time. Is that normal? I’ve literally no idea and I feel like I’m losing my mind!

This is what they keep saying to me! They seem more concerned about my mental health while is shocking but it’s because I’m so worried about my baby!

Yes, YABU to expect him to call in sick for that. However, these early days with a baby like that can be horrendous.

When you say allergies, what is being done? Is it CMPA? Does your baby have reflux and if so, what medication do you have? Omeprazole made a huge difference for us compared to gaviscon and we needed prescribed milk for CMPA.

My DH used to get home at 6pm and stay up with the baby until midnight. Those four hours was when I could sleep. It was brutal but that was how we had to make it work. If you baby is still vomiting lots, I’d recommend covering yourself with a bed protector and wear a shower hair cap so keep yourself clean and minimise what needs to be washed.

Do you have any friends or relatives who can help out for a couple of hours so you can sleep or at least eat, or do what needs to be done to help your mental health? If not, ask your HV if they can provide you with the details of some support. Can you also afford a cleaner or any support in the house so you don’t need to worry about that for now?

It really does get better but it can feel like a very long and lonely time to get there.

Can you afford a week or two with a night nanny? Money well spent if you are on your knees

Botj my allergy babies would only sleep during the day if they were in the sling and ai kept moving. Have you tried a sling?

that does sound tough OP and I’m sorry you aren’t finding your parents or in-laws to be very supportive. I think the conflicting advice that you get from professionals or the looks from other people when you are taking out a crying baby can be difficult too.

I need to say before you read any of the things that helped me, that my DC is now 25, and I know advice changes over the years so some of the things I say may now be totally out of date and not advised.

Things I found helped were - my baby seemed to sleep easier in his travel seat, although I know that’s not ideal for them. On weekends we used to go out for the day, anywhere, just because DS and I would be able to have a couple of hours sleep in the moving car. He would also sleep when pushed in his pram (the travel system the seat fitted) and I can remember walking round and round our local shopping centre when it was raining. But I could then sit down on a chair a bit and eat my lunch.
I had a Baby Bjorn carrier (do they still do these?) which I used in the house, he tended to sleep on me while I moved about. Do you use a dummy? We started out without but after introducing it helped enormously.

We had something called Infacol which I think was given either before a feed or mixed in with the milk. But I’m not sure whether that really did help or not. For us things improved as DS grew older and especially when we started solids, but that was done earlier then than they advise now.

Have you spoken with your health visitor or GP?

So did you just live of 4 hours sleep for a few weeks? I just can’t seem to do it. Does it just get easier? I feel so done today!

Thank you for this, she screams horrifically in a car seat! I hadn’t thought to try a baby carrier. Thank you for your kind words.

I’m sorry to say that it was a lot longer than just weeks. It didn’t help that I had older children that I had to take and collect from school either. I remember many a walk into school with vomit dripping down from the sling and a screaming baby. The only good thing I can say about it was that I was in such a sleep deprived daze that I just couldn’t bring myself to care what others thought.

Some years we discovered he was also autistic so there was possibly some unmet sensory needs making things worse but the reflux was awful, as was the constant reaction to various things due to allergies. We had lots of hospital trips due to hives and reactions, especially when it came to weaning and him being more mobile. Glad to say he did outgrow the allergies. It’s hard to remember now but we stopped milk altogether at 10 months and that was when the reflux and vomiting started to ease, although we continued with medication for a while longer.

He was eventually discharged from paeds not long after starting school so we must have all felt things were going in the right direction or manageable by the age of five. I seem to recall that the allergy and CMPA caused diarrhoea continued for a while though as we had to have a letter from his consultant to confirm that he wasn’t to be sent home or excluded from school because of it.

I can completely sympathise. My 2 were like this and my husband works v long hours with no family nearby. I used a carrier pretty much all day - get a supportive one that is suitable as they grow. I also co-slept (and still am with the 2nd one) as its the only way I could get any sleep. You honestly do get used to the lack of sleep and then at some point they just start sleeping for longer stretches and reflux etc become less severe. You will get through this but just make your life as easy as possible for the time being - i.e. Use the slow cooker for meals, relax your tidying / cleaning standards, iron only the essentials etc. I hope it all gets better for your soon. Honestly this is the part no one tells you about but it will get better!

Ouch OP! This sounds intense, and to echo everyone else it's not normal. I was fobbed off on my first baby and told I was anxious - no shit I was anxious when I was so sleep deprived. It wasn't until I had my easy second baby, I realised how let down I had been. Back then, I was scared to keep pushing for fear I was the problem.

Definitely ask about different formulas. Have you tried a comfort formula? Thicker and harder to vomit, or so I've heard. You should also push for a prescription formula to trial if that didn't work.

And treat the constipation. This can cause reflux, discomfort, difficulty lying flat. It's a lot more serious than people believe - and long term constipation can turn chronic as the lower intestine is stretched and retains stools. Eric.org are a good resource. Given your little ones age, you'll need to speak to the GP about treating via medication. Mine was 6 months when it became a problem, so could use suppositories and lactulose. Warm baths, tummy massage, and bicycle legs on repeat too. Keep repeating the massage and bike legs until you're sick of it, throughout the day. Once or twice doesn't help.

What bottle and soother are you using? Is there any possibility these are introducing air? Slow flow and paced feeding are meant to help. Has baby been checked for tongue tie by someone who knows what they're doing? A lot of HV don't. Tongue tie impacts bottle fed babies too!

A baby sling helps for walks, and can help settle their tummy as air comes up.

You could also try an osteopath, some people swear by them for reflux. Especially if it was a difficult / assisted / section birth.

For sleep, you will crack if you don't get any. You need to be splitting the night, at least somewhat. Can you go to bed at 8, and your partner take the baby at 12? That's the bare minimum, you should be getting 50/50 sleep. He might have a physical job, but you need to keep your baby safe. Sleep deprivation and postpartum hormones are awful together.

I’m sorry OP the early weeks can be so tough, but he is right that he can’t stay off work just because it’s been a bad night.

You do adjust and it does get easier. My daughter has always been a rubbish sleeper and I think you just eventually adapt to a lower level of rest, ridiculous as it sounds!

I really appreciate everyone being so kind but also realistic. Will take everything you’ve all said on board. Thank you.

Yeah they do this because prescription milk is expensive so they try to fob you off.

For me the first few months were tough, but once we started solids it got better and by a year we were able to start the milk ladder and by this point my son was ok with milk products.