Previous DA/DV survivors please can I get your support

[NeedingASafeSpace]

good morning.
I recently posted that I wanted to flee my abuser an was struggling. Since I posted on MN I have had harsh reality check and thanks to many amazing people who have given me a harsh truth I am now feeling determined to stick this time. I’m at my own flat on the third floor. He can’t get in the building but he does know where I live. He is blocked on my side.
I know how awful he is and how much he was progressing with his abuse (shouting at me in a corner while holding my child!!😢, calling me names, breaking my things, trying to withhold my child’s birthday gifts and moonpig card told it was my fault because I had annoyed him).
This is where I struggle:

I know he’s a fool and I don’t want him. However, I crave him? I know that if I were to go back with him I’d be on eggshells (I don’t want to go back to him in my head and heart but it’s my cravings that make me wonder) either way I WONT. I just struggle with understanding this feeling of loneliness and emptiness when I am so clearly away from someone who is harmful to me and my children and doesn’t give a shit. I understand trauma bonding but I still don’t understand this.

Hi

Firstly well done for getting out. You are still traumatised from him so it will feel strange not having to be on high alert every second of every day. These feelings are also highly addictive so it's like withdrawal from a drug. Tap into any support you have.

Well done for getting out, this is such a wonderful thing you have done.

To answer your question, I'd look at it like he has totally dominated your nervous system.

He has made you feel danger and fear. As it was his behaviour that made you feel that, any time he was there and calm and warm probably signalled to your body and mind that you were safe.

So your sense of safety and being okay then became really linked to seeing him and being able to monitor his moods.

So when you can't see him, your body probably feels like it can't tell you're safe, because usually being safe depended on seeing him being calm. So now you're probably feeling all the trauma and fear that he caused, without the usual method of checking you are safe. Because you have been in danger, your mind is scanning for danger and what it usually looks for to signal danger is not there in the moment.

It's completely normal and natural to feel this way when you have been abused and someone has made you feel so unsafe and dominated your mind through his actions.

It will take time, but your body and mind responses will eventually learn that you are safe now. You haven't been safe for a while, so it will take some time. But I promise it will feel better.