Aibu if I support criminal charges against my ex?

Wonderingwanderer99 · 2025-10-30T07:05:33+00:00

The police want to know if I'll support criminal charges. I'm so conflicted about what to do. Has anyone been in this situation, what did you do? There was no physical interpersonal violence like punching me but there's other stuff like coercive control, intimidating behaviour and sexual assault and they're talking about rape charge too because of a lack of free and enthusiastic consent. Please help as I don't know what to do.

motheroflittledragon · 30/10/2025 07:07

personally i would help the police

MyWorthyDenimFinch · 30/10/2025 07:09

If he has done those things to you or others and you witnessed it, you should certainly testify if you think it will be cathartic for you.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 30/10/2025 07:10

I haven’t been in your situation, so my advice isn’t from experience. If the police want you to support criminal charges, then there was criminal behaviour so you would not be unreasonable to do so.

Whether you will benefit is a slightly different question. Is there a child, and custody arrangements to think about?

Do you feel safe now? Does he know where you are?

My instinct is to do it, but I can understand you might not want to. Can you talk it through with a women’s domestic abuse adviser?

Gowlett · 30/10/2025 07:13

What will the fallout be for you?

How will he / his family react?

Will your / his name become public?

LakieLady · 30/10/2025 07:17

I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Abusive men need to face the consequences of their actions. For that to happen, women need to support prosecutions.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 30/10/2025 07:19

Please do it @Wonderingwanderer99 . If his behaviour against you is serious enough to warrant charges then he needs to feel that or it will just continue and could become worse, you need to draw a line in the sand that the abusive twat cannot ignore.

ConfusedNoMore · 30/10/2025 07:22

You say that in theory @LakieLady but it's different when you're in that situation.

I would have a good think about what is best for you @Wonderingwanderer99 . It's you that will live with the decision either way.

It is positive that police want to prosecute but I wonder what the likelihood of conviction is. Are you safe? Have you got good mental health support because testifying will be a hard thing to relive your trauma.

I'm not saying do it or don't do it. I think your decision is ok either way. Put yourself first.

Original poster

Wonderingwanderer99 · 30/10/2025 07:35

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 30/10/2025 07:10

I haven’t been in your situation, so my advice isn’t from experience. If the police want you to support criminal charges, then there was criminal behaviour so you would not be unreasonable to do so.

Whether you will benefit is a slightly different question. Is there a child, and custody arrangements to think about?

Do you feel safe now? Does he know where you are?

My instinct is to do it, but I can understand you might not want to. Can you talk it through with a women’s domestic abuse adviser?

We have a one year old together.

He knows but we're ok. He sees our child but doesn't pay towards them.

I asked for support but nothing has happened yet in about three weeks.

If I were to support it, it would blow his life up.almost certainly lose his job. His relationship with our child would certainly be affected (something he always says I mess with).

My big thing is, it's just my word on the sexual abuse. Also the other stuff is only screenshots where he admits it but says I'm the reason or I've done similar (I didn't).

OP posts:

motheroflittledragon · 30/10/2025 07:54

Wonderingwanderer99 · 30/10/2025 07:35

We have a one year old together.

He knows but we're ok. He sees our child but doesn't pay towards them.

I asked for support but nothing has happened yet in about three weeks.

If I were to support it, it would blow his life up.almost certainly lose his job. His relationship with our child would certainly be affected (something he always says I mess with).

My big thing is, it's just my word on the sexual abuse. Also the other stuff is only screenshots where he admits it but says I'm the reason or I've done similar (I didn't).

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personally i would still help. he is legally obliged to look after her financially and it does sound like someone i would be reluctant to be in contact with a child on top of that.

jeaux90 · 30/10/2025 08:04

I probably would but I am very wary about the way police handle these cases. If they start getting funny with you at all then pull out. There are reasons why the rape conviction rates are so low.

NutButterOnToast · 30/10/2025 08:06

He blew his own life up OP when he decided to behave like that. And it is a decision, because he doesn't behave like that with other people, only women unlucky enough to be in a relationship with him.

You don't need to be concerned about him. Instead, try thinking of yourself and your child and what the long term situation for you both might be if you didn't support prosecution, versus what if you did.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 30/10/2025 08:11

He blew up his own life. He will blow up other people’s as well.

The big thing for me, is that this could help you avoid him having contact with your DD. Generally contact is really important but given his abuse of you, and his continuing to abuse you by saying you interfere in his relationship with DD, it may be better if she doesn’t see him.

And as he’s failed to contribute financially, he’s a shit who has no idea of what’s involved in being a good dad.

Original poster

Wonderingwanderer99 · 30/10/2025 08:35

Keepingthingsinteresting · 30/10/2025 07:19

Please do it @Wonderingwanderer99 . If his behaviour against you is serious enough to warrant charges then he needs to feel that or it will just continue and could become worse, you need to draw a line in the sand that the abusive twat cannot ignore.

The issue I have in my brain is that they've only heard me talk about it. I have given them a log but only a couple of days ago so they haven't reviewed it. So I don't know if they think it's likely to succeed or not. What if I go through all that for nothing

OP posts:

Letthemeatgateau · 30/10/2025 08:48

I did, and I'm content with the decision I made. It's a comfort to know that justice was served (he went to prison).

Keepingthingsinteresting · 30/10/2025 20:52

Wonderingwanderer99 · 30/10/2025 08:35

The issue I have in my brain is that they've only heard me talk about it. I have given them a log but only a couple of days ago so they haven't reviewed it. So I don't know if they think it's likely to succeed or not. What if I go through all that for nothing

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If that’s the case and they don’t think it has legs you won’t have to go to court. At this stage they are trying to build a case. Having been through so thing similar myself standing up for yourself and taking control was so helpful, plus he knows he can’t bully me so whilst he was a twat for a for a while he knew if he hurt me I would ensure he suffered too.

Original poster

Wonderingwanderer99 · 11/03/2026 08:37

Update, as they can't prove he negatively impacted my life... nothing can be done.

OP posts:

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 11/03/2026 12:36

I’m sorry, that’s really disappointing. I know nothing about these processes, and whether there are any avenues left to you to pursue. I don’t know whether someone should be doing more for you.

Hopefully someone who does will come along. In the meantime, I’m sorry. 💐