To stand my ground

[Kickinthenostalgia]

Me and dd13 often attend the Chelsea ladies matches, we’ve been going the last 2 years. We go to football and nandos either before or after depending on kick off. It’s our little thing. DP has joined us to London a few of the times, he goes and does his own thing and we meet and go to nandos. No issue. So this weekend he’s invited himself again. Plan was the same, football then nandos. Then he threw a paddy, yes a literal paddy because he realised the fireworks we usually go to are on that day and we can’t go because we have football (baring in mind we missed them last year because he had an event) his dad passed away in February and he stated that he’d really like to go this year because he always went to fireworks displays as a kid with his dad and he wanted to this year because it meant something. Tbh I’m not a massive fan of fireworks, I can take them or leave them. He then said he wanted to go to the fireworks in London we’ve attended before. I wasn’t happy at first as will have to leave home at 8am to get to London and then won’t be home til late. Fine I agreed. Dd didn’t want to go either but we are going to support DP. No further issue until just now when we were going through timings, and he’s just basically tried to say that we can’t go to nandos because we won’t get there (clink street nandos) and back after the match finishes in time to get to the fireworks by 5 so he gets a place to park. I’ve completely stood my ground and said we are going to nandos, I’m not changing that because

1. hes invited himself along to mine and DD’s trip and we are not changing our tradition.
2. he wanted to go to the fireworks after the match was confirmed so I’m not changing our tradition.

he then stated how he’s not going to eat in nandos because he wants a burger, after I asked him what we are supposed to do from 5 until the fireworks start at 7.30. Personally I’ll be bored shitless and can’t think of anything worse than standing around for 2 and half hours. I told him he doesn’t have to eat it’s up to him but me and dd will be going to nandos whether he likes it or not. He’s finally given in and said he’ll just have something small and a drink.

i understand he’s still grieving but I’ve been letting things slide (Nothing sinister, just some questionable behaviours) since February and this is something I’m not willing to budge on.

I couldn’t really get through all the timings and Nando’s location stuff. However, if all the plans are too complicated to coordinated could he just not go to the fireworks display with someone else?

It’s not a phase I use but my Irish cousins and great grandfather did. They’re Protestant so I wonder if it’s Protestant/Catholic thing.

So why say you have Irish relatives who use the expression if you’re not implicitly saying it’s fine?

I was responding to the op.

Can people for the love of god stop derailing the thread? Go make your own to debate the use.

This is quite confusing OP, I don't really understand the logistics that you are wrangling over.

Can the plan not be:
You drive to the football
You watch the football
You drive to the fireworks location and secure a parking spot
You find somewhere to eat in that locale (a different Nandos?)
You watch the fireworks
You drive home

?

My dad's Irish, I never knew the term throwing a paddy was offensive.
OP, I think you're being a bit rigid. Changing where you eat on one occasion isn't a huge ask.

Same here!!!

And agree re you all being extremely rigid and a bit weird tbh.

I also tend to find that people often use the excuse "I want to do this, that and the other in memory of my mum / dad" as a bit of a guilt trip so you can't possibly say no. And I say this as someone who has lost both of their parents.

I know right - thats what happens though when one "last word freak" meets another 😀

No.
It's important that racism is called out.

I understand your frustration OP.

A parent dying (my DM is dead) doesn’t give you carte blanche to have things your way forever.

I didn’t get past your racism either. You wouldn’t say throwing a <insert any other racist stereotype word> would you?

I also didn’t know it was racist. Thanks to everyone who pointed it out but no need to derail the thread. @Kickinthenostalgia perhaps ask Mumsnet to delete the words in your OP?

Im sorry for your DH’s loss but it’s no excuse for trying to trash the tradition you have with your DD. Stand your ground.

I’ve reported it to hq and asked if they can amend the words. I haven’t just derailed. Fwiw.

Don't stress it, words have meaning, but the context in which you used them was not racist.

As for your husband, tell him to go on his own. He's a grown man.

Doing something under the banner of ‘its tradition and we’ve always done it that way’ is absolutely ridiculous in my view.

roll with the times and you may find something even better than Nando’s. Or maybe not. But the world isn’t going to come crashing down.

it seems crazy not to adapt or be a little bit flexible in such things.

Can you explain to me how the phrase “throwing a paddy” isn’t based on a racist trope?

That's not what I said in any way. I said it wasn't used in a racist context. And I stand by that. It's amodern day slang

Saying the N word, for me growing up, rap was a big part of my youth, going to a mainly black and asian school where rap was a big part of your identity, no one would have batted an eyelid if I said it singing/rapping, but calling it someone in a derogatory way would have got you a smack in the mouth.

The context and way in which you use language is, if not, more important than the language itself.

Gay and Queer have changed massively, socially, over the years, and yet I could use the same words in a happy conversation with my gay friend, I only have one, or I could really upset them with the same words.

I have Irish Catholic family members that also use the phrase. Not about to to correct them.

I merely asked you to explain how it wasn’t based on a racist trope.

I made no comment about what you said.

You implied I did in your question, asking me to correct or give an explanation to something I didn't say, in a direct reply to my quote.

A lot of language has racist or stereotypical stereotypes behind it. But the context in which we use this language plays a far greater role than just the origins of the words or how they were used over 300 years ago. I'd certainly not try to throw someone under the bus for what the OP has said.

I’m autistic. I didn’t imply.

Sorry, that's irrelevant. I'm dyslexic - now what?

You said I implied something. I implied nothing. I asked a direct question.

I can't get past the Nandos obsession and unwillingness to change plans for a once-a-year event. It seems extremely and purposefully inflexible over the sake of some chicken dressed up as a 'tradition'.