Co-parenting struggles wearing me down

[WiggyWiggyGettinJiggy]

Hi everyone,

I just need somewhere to vent and maybe advice if any of you have been in this situation or similar.

I have been separated from my child’s father a number of years now, he was cheating, he never contributed to our child, the family home, anything! I held everything down whilst going to university 6 weeks after my son was born and starting a new job the same week. I had no other choice as money was extremely tight.

Our co parenting relationship was amicable enough, although it was all his way. He dictated when he could and couldn’t have his son, one weekends he agreed to have our son he would then ask if I could have him as he was going out, or his mother or another family member would care for our son. But I put up with it because I have no one else to help with child care, I don’t have any family and no really close friends to ask when I needed help.

Fast forward to last December, I notice him asking for time with our son out of blue and for extended periods of time, I had an inkling he had met someone and my child was a nice accessory to have around, but it was none of my business so I got on with it and tried to remain amicable.

Just before Christmas he kindly let me know that he would have our son all over Christmas and that I could have him from 27th December onwards. When I declined, it became apparent that he was looking my son over Christmas to spend time with his step brother and sister. Things got pretty heated as I had actually always hosted him in my home so as he could spend the day with our son. Yes it made me unbearably uncomfortable but I just wanted my son to have a nice day. It’s not that I am jealous of the fact that he didn’t want to spend Christmas with me, because I knew that these kind of “family gatherings” were numbered because they made me so uncomfortable. But it’s the fact that he stated that my child does not enjoy Christmas with me as it is boring and no one to play with.

Anyway Christmas came and went and as the year progressed our co parenting relationship continued to go down hill, very quickly. Every time he messaged, I would get anxious and irritable as he was constantly picking fights with me and wanting everything to be on his terms.

Fast forward to April, I was on a work trip, my child’s father informed me that him and his partner had sat my child down and told him that his partner would now be caring for our son 3 days per week. I was obviously angry about this and once again declined. My son has never called this other lady by her name, he refers to her as dads friend and he was upset he was no longer going to be attending his child care provider.

During a conversation with my child’s father he got extremely angry and began to shout at me and told me my son didn’t even like me, all this kind of nonsense so the conversation ended there. I contacted a solicitor who advised me to immediately apply for child maintenance as he had never paid anything towards the caring of his son.

I filled out the forms and there was abit of back and forward with the Child Maintenance as he was saying he had our son more than I had stated, he made one payment and then I received notification that my payments would be reduced as he was financially supporting 2 other children. Fair enough, but why deprive your child of financial support!!!

At this stage all communication is short and I wouldn’t say sweet but one word replies sort of thing which I am more than happy about. But then I get a summons to court mid June as he was seeking full custody.

Completely gutted, I never expected it to get to this stage. But at the same time I knew it was coming as he had sent messages saying he wasn’t giving me a penny and he had called me various different names and he would do all in his power not to give me a penny.

The judge ruled that we go to mediation and work out a contact schedule. I was happy enough, we agreed a 2 week rota which we both agreed to at the time. It was set for hearing the following week and he attended court to say that he didn’t agree to it. The judge then ruled another round of mediation in which he was extremely aggressive and nasty. He was requesting that we spilt contact 50/50. To which I disagreed as I had taken steps to be around for my son and to be available to collect from school and after school activities. This is the same man that could never take a day off to care for his son if I had a work commitment and he was off school or was sick. He has never collected his son from school, he relies on various different family members and his partner to do this for him.

The original 2 week rota was ruled by the judge however because I declined the 50/50 it now has to go to court in December. My solicitor asked for evidence in terms of him refusing to collect his son or times where he has let him down etc etc. That is all now with her and we now have a date where I will have to go to court and I assume give evidence.

The original mediation agreement has not been adhered to many different times by his father, he picks and chooses and dictates what he does and when he does it. Times where he specified he would have time off work to spend with our son, my son has been left with his partner or his partners children, they are 16 & 11.

My son also has to share a bed with the 11 year old boy, whom he met in December and then he moved into his father’s home at the beginning of January. He comes home from contact with his father with unwashed clothes, spoiled food from the previous day in school in his lunch box. He is often tired and irritable as he won’t have slept much or went to bed on time. He has started requesting that he sleep in my bed, each night it is a battle to get him to sleep in his own bed. The list could go on and on.

My son’s father then announced that our son would be a big brother, with the baby arriving October time. My son has never mentioned it and I never pushed it with him because I don’t want to press him on things that he maybe doesn’t want to talk about. But as time went on he started making comments about being fed up at his father’s house and not looking forward to going. I think mentioned the idea of him being a big brother and how fantastic he was going to be and he completely shut off. This is totally out of character of him as he loves babies and his child minder often remarks how good he is with the babies.

The original mediation agreement states that every other Wednesday he collects our son and returns him home by 7:30pm, I have received a message from my sons father at 6pm this evening stating that my son will not be home until later as he is going to meet his baby brother.

My issue is he requested during mediation he would have contact with our son Thursday and Friday this week and I agreed. However, I have to travel for work on Sunday and with flight times I will be leaving early Sunday morning and will not be returning to next Wednesday. I asked if I could see our son for an hour on Saturday morning as I won’t get to see him until next Wednesday and he declined.

I had plans with my son this evening, the town local to us are having their firework display and he was looking forward to it.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. His father constantly leaves my son off late and does not stick to the mediation agreement that he so badly wanted. He was due to have him from 9am tomorrow morning, would it reflect badly on me in court in December if I do not stick to this agreement?

I am at my wits end. I am not upset or jealous of his father and his life, my life is pretty good, I’ve a good job, a nice home and a lovely son. But I am just angry and the fact that I am forever being dictated to by a man that didn’t care about his son up until this time last year and now I have to jump to his every demand.

I am sorry this is long and probably doesn’t make much sense. But I don’t know where else to turn or who to vent to because I don’t think anyone really understands.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

Note to anyone reading this, I do not want to cause further argument or seem spiteful, I just had planned this evening with my son and wanted to spend time with him before I go away for work at the weekend. I’m just so angry that it has been taken away from me and I won’t be able to see my son until next Wednesday.

We are very close, and he has told me he’s upset that I have to go away. This makes it even harder. I know I should just continue with the original agreement but I am livid that my life has to revolve around what his father decides and it’s always me having to meet him in the middle.

I didn't want to read and run, I am sure that much wiser and more knowledgeable people will be along soon. But I just wanted to say that you sound like an awesome mum and your boy is so lucky to have you. Remember that family courts will look at what is best for the child, you are clearly able to demonstrate that you've placed his needs front and centre for his whole life. Best of luck xx

It sounds like you are going through a lot and I’m not surprised you need to vent. Hopefully you’ll get the decision that works out best for your child agreed at the tribunal.

You need to find a babysitter and stop giving ex the power to control your life by not having your ds..

Thank you so much to those of you who replied to my post.

Sorry it was a long read, but I just needed to do something to try and curb my crippling anxiety and frustration this evening.

I honestly thought the worst of it was over when I bought my home and get ourselves settled, but it seems the worst is yet to come.

Unfortunately the mediation agreement states contact times with him so I cannot refuse and have never refused contact. However he has never adhered to drop off times, or been honest about who is caring for our son when he is supposed to be caring for him.

I am just so anxious about what is to come. I have never had to go to court and it is causing me a great deal of anxiety. I have tried my best to be amicable, although I will admit there are times when I have been sharp or bit back at him via text, I know, very stupid, but it’s with facts and it’s not to the extent of name calling or anything like what he resorts to. I am just over analysing everything and scared that I’m going to be faced with a load of lies and the like when I have to face him in court and I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it.

I have never been in this situation, but I think you should stick to the agreed order / schedule. My thought process being that your solicitor has asked for evidence of times when he broke it, don't give him any reason to be able to say the same about you.

Something that jumped out at me is that he has to share a bed with another child. That's not ok for either child. If you haven't already, I'd flag this to your solicitor.

Im sorry you and your son are in this situation.

You sound absolutely awesome, and im so sorry this is happening to you and your little boy.

How old is he? Sorry if you said, and I missed it.

You said separated for a number of years? Is he old enough for his "voice" to be taken into account?

The sharing a bed with another child who he barely knows is a mahoosive red flag.
So put that one in your "armoury"

Strongly suggest you prepare a chronology of your existing crapness, with evidence.
Go back as far as you can, preferably to a time before he was with new partner.
Demonstrate in writing his failures to parent, and add appendices.

Eg
Dad due to have DS 29/10/2023 @ 5pm
Dad cancelled at 4.59pm, see appendix 1 (screenshot)

I would have PAGES of evidence.

Keep it factual
Keep your opinions out of it

Gah!

Sorry, posted twice

In my experience some dads mainly want 50/50 to not contribute financially in any way. It also sounds like he is using his new partner as a live in childminder, which may backfire now a new baby has come on the scene.
I am very concerned that your son has to share a bed with an older boy that is no relation to him, I hope this has now changed? If not it needs sorting out as a matter of urgency.
You ex is obviously a complete arse, I had an ex like this luckily when my kids got to secondary school he lost all interest, had another child himself and exactly the same pattern happened. It's so difficult I totally feel for you but if at all possible try to not let it spoil your life. Want to prove he alwabrings your son back late, get a ring doorbell, or a friend to act as witness for a few weeks.💕

Sorry, your ex's crapness, not existing.

Sorry 😳

Thank you everyone, so much!

I know it may be a difficult situation to relate to because each Co parenting situation is different, but I appreciate you all taking the time to reply and sit with me on this.

I know the right thing to do is to stick to the agreement of pick up at 9am tomorrow morning. In the heat of the moment it just crossed my mind to fight fire with fire, but I know that’s not going to do anyone any favours. So I’m just going to have to grin and bear it. It’s just hard knowing I won’t see my son from tomorrow until next Wednesday, it hurts. But I have to do it.

My son is 9, sorry I never specified that in my previous posts.

The bed situation is something that was brought to my attention late spring. My son returned to me after having spent the previous night at his fathers complaining of stomach ache and saying he had been unwell in the night, and he had spent the night on the recliner chair, this absolutely breaks my heart knowing my little boy and knowing how upset he gets when he is sick. Anyway, he said that he didn’t want to keep the other child awake and just took himself off to the sofa. This then lead me to ask how he would be keeping him awake and he said he had to climb over him to go to the bathroom. I then asked his father the sleeping arrangements and he said that he purchased bunk beds. I don’t like to question my son too much as I don’t want him to feel like he is caught in the middle. However I managed to ask him in a round about way and he confirmed they don’t have bunk beds and he shares.

I brought this up during mediation and his father became very defensive and told me it wasn’t my business. He was getting so worked up to the point the mediator called time for us to calm down. Upon returning, the mediator asked his father is my son sharing a bed to which he replied, my father, as in my sons grandfather, would be purchasing bunk beds for them.

This was at the beginning of the summer, and I asked recently did he get his new bunk beds and my son told me no, he is still sharing a bed.

I have given my solicitor 38 pages of evidence to be precise. I also included the type of relationship we had previous to his current partner coming on the scene. Messages where he declared his love for me and our son and how much he wanted what he had back, I was receiving these kind of messages up until mid November last year. I always was very honest with him and told him no, but I didn’t want it to affect our co parenting relationship.

I kind of feel like my son will very much be an old accessory now that there is a new baby, which in one way will maybe make my life easier, but on the other hand I know it’s not fair on him because he is the best little man and he doesn’t deserve this.

I have written every late drop off down and every day when he has said he will take off work to care for our son and he’s been left with other people.

He only requested more access and mediation etc when I filed for child maintenance payments. Which I think is proof in the pudding. If I had of known it would be like this I’d of just continued the way I was and supported my son by myself. But it’s just so tough.

I really appreciate all of your kind words

I'm so sorry - this is incredibly hard. There's a very real prospect that once your ex is in the swing of having a new baby he may start to lose interest in your son (which is awful but often the way). Would it be worth asking him, in a sensible way, whether his interest in 50/50 is to do with maintenance? And if so, if you're able to do without his payments, whether you could (verbally, off the record) offer to forgo the payments if he drops down to a lower level of access?

I agree @BonfireNight1993 and in hindsight I would have just made do without the payments. I have always worked 7 days a week and extremely long hours to provide for my son. I used to get him to bed and sit on my laptop from 9 o’clock at night until 4/5 in the morning. Thankfully I have got a job now where I work from home, but I do have to travel abit. Which makes it easier to manage pick ups from school etc, something which was a constant battle with his father as his job was obviously much more important than mine.

I don’t live a lavish lifestyle by any means and I don’t have much but at the same time I don’t get much off him anyway, so if he happy to not take his payments. However we are down this road now and I don’t think there is any turning back in regards to the upcoming court appearance.

Is Cafcass involved? Someone needs to be speaking with your son. Do the school have a home/school officer that could speak with your son.

The being forced to share a bed with an older step brother is not ok, your son is clearly unhappy etc.

@RandomMessthis is all currently going through the family court service. I have raised all my concerns with my solicitor, and I thought it would have been over by now, especially with my concerns re safeguarding. But it seems no one is in any kind of panic.

I recently had my son’s parent teacher interview and he is doing well in all areas, and he is generally a happy content child. However his teacher did mention that he can become quite emotional and upset when he can’t get the grasp of things. This year is the first year I have struggled to get him to school, every day he complains about having to go to school and he is finding it hard to concentrate.

She asked me if anything had changed at home and I explained there had been a few significant changes and I think she was quite shocked, given the timeline. So she said she would keep an eye on him and assured me that if anything was concerning her she would contact me.

Ask for more support for him from the school.

An independent person needs to be gathering your sons views. Maybe his school could help if they have a counsellor. They can document his behaviour, such as if late to school, tired etc

If you have safeguarding concerns, you can ask social services to become involved. If you bring up safeguarding concerns in family court and you hadn't flagged these, then questions could be asked. School could also raise these.

Thank you both, I will definitely take this on board and make a point of speaking to the school when they are back next week.

Now that the new baby is here, I think it will definitely have some sort of impact on my son.

Stay squeaky clean and don’t break the rules

Use a communication app like My Family Wizard that is admissable in court and communicate through that only and only about your son.

Stick to the ordered times.

Document, document, document. All late or missed pickups, missed activities, injuries, missing items, everything. Document he does not have his own bed.

You're in a high conflict parent situation, and you might want to look at parallel parenting and see if that has anything to offer you. The one place I could see this not working for you is the logistics of things like handovers and appointments because your ex just doesn't give a shit and does what he pleases.

Thank you @Tralalalama

I know this is what I need to do, but it’s just so so frustrating because I am always bending the rules as such for him, but I never get the same back.

I just never ever wanted my life to be like this, it is consuming me. But the sooner it goes to court and it’s sorted the better I suppose.

@outerspacepotato I will definitely look into this, I had heard about apps like this but didn’t know the name.

My solicitor did mention this to me and I did have a look into this and try to adopt the model, however my sons father uses my son to manipulate me and will do things like change his youth club without telling me or change his dental surgery to the one his new partner works in. He will also send my child home with messages re pick up arrangements etc. Nothing ever seems to get through to this man, he is very selfish and extremely nasty.

Can you take him to his previous dental provider when it's your custody time?

He really does sound awful and the minimal contact route might give you some ideas. The clubs, ex does what he chooses on his time. You do the same. Check with his club if it's ok if your son misses occasionally due to custody issues.

Ask your lawyer about doing pick up arrangements through a court admissable app only. Notes, they don't count. Only communication through the app. It's admissable.

This must be rough on your little guy.

I’d be asking the Court to speak to your DS. Cafcass should find out what he wants.
Definitely use a parenting app. Our family wizard has been well worth it.