co-parenting with 'superdad'

[Saturdaysun]

Looking for advice and/or perspective. AIBU and need to give myself a wobble?

Been divorced a few years and generally amicable for the sake of the DC. There is quite a lot of history (his 6 year affair, still with OW), however, I bite my lip and focus on my own life and appreciate that I'm not with him anymore.

However, I feel like he is constantly trying to be the best parent in the world and of course his partner is desperate to please - guilt probably. When my DC mention her name my heckles are up.

My DC are teens but I never feel good enough as a parent, possibly my insecurities are not helping I guess. He just seems to swoop in with money/fun and now socialising with teen's friends parents.

I find it so hard to keep quiet as he's not the wonderful man people think - my DC also don't know the full truth about him/her and I find it so hard not to say anything.

I feel your pain - my ex (also left me for OW) was the best dad ever because he had £££ and also, due to this she gave up work so the kids always had ‘home cooked’ food and a spotless house. Me working FT with tight budget - well I was just failing 😂

They do get it eventually, mine don’t see him much now and live with me - also his business is not doing well, and only one income coming in, his one thing - throwing money at them, is no longer available!

they love their dad and I’m grateful for that - they have a nice extended family as well but like you I’ve had to bite my tongue a lot!

Kids like stuff but they also value love, comfort, the person who looks after them when they are ill etc. you’re grand OP x

Thanks for your experience, pleased it's not just me!

I'm pleased they have a good relationship with him but I feel like I'm the one imposing rules and ultimately have their interest at heart (as oppose to him looking like the best parent ever!).

They see through it OP. They know who has got their back. You don’t need to have loads of cash, just love them. Kids need rules and boundaries, it makes them feel safe and valued.

Yeah you have to be bad cop a lot of the time but honestly as they grow up they do understand the need for boundaries!

the downside of being the reliable, consistent parent is while you deal with the ‘it’s not fairs’ you are also the one they call for help - dd1 3am Christmas Eve morning ‘mum I’ve passed out I feel so sick can you come get me’ from the local club - she’d never call her dad.

Yeah mine have a Disney dad. They eventually realised there’s not much behind the grand gestures (I’d say in mid- late teens) we are very close and they see their dad every few months now.
Dont slate him (or her). Focus on being there for them, following their interests and supporting them. Spending time with them.
Don’t compare and try to be grateful their dad loves them even if he is a try hard.

It’s hard as exDH ultimately deceived the DC when they were younger by lying where he was, pretending he was working Xmas day night…when clearly not, plus another 6 years of lies. They don’t know any of this and as the years goes by, I find it harder to not blurt it out.

I think you should refrain from involving your kids in your and their dad's private life by telling them that he cheated. It would not be fair to them to try to poison them against him for something that ultimately concerns you adults and not them. If he's a good dad, it's better for them to be close with him; and if he's not, they likely will realise on their own eventually.

There is also balance, why you shouldn’t bad mouth there are benefits for them for age appropriate truth.

They need critical thinking skills and they need to FIL the void of why you divorced.

It depends if they ever question why you got divorced etc as to whether you have the opportunity to answer truthfully. You shouldn’t lie, that isn’t good for them either.

My friend's ex was like this, buying her girls Ugg boots and whisking them off to Disneyland. She found it particularly galling as he was so tight with money when they were married!! They are all adults now and have a much better relationship with her than with their dad - at the end of the day, his 'love' came with conditions that they did what he wanted while hers is unconditional. They do see through the Disney dad parenting in the end! Try and relax with them a bit and have some fun with them too - it's not fair that you always have to be the strict parent.

Thank you for the views, seems it quite common. Beyond frustrating, especially when the OW is desperate to please. I have images of her prancing about like Julie Andrews…