I think I over shared with my DD10 and DD13.5

[Hiitsmeagain1]

Hi all
I feel awful.
My daughters have often asked why I left their dad. I've always said I didn't trust him so couldn't stay.

We watched Casualty today (from last year) and the story about an affair came up. Later my DD10 said mum when dad was showing his snap about his new mrs we were trying to see if he was with her when you two were married.
i said no but I said he did meet someone that's why I couldn't trust him and left. Since then my DD10 has been asking so many questions like who is she, is it his current wife (it's not) how do I know etc. my DD13 got really emotional and teary and changed the subject.
I think I've just given them unnecessary trauma and I don't want them to hate their dad. I said It's in the past and we are all happy now but can't seem to think I have just given them trauma. Please help and make me make sense. I wasn't malicious in what I shared just factual as DD10 already sensed it but I could have just shut her down.
am I a terrible mum?
I left their dad when they were 3 and 18 months.

Meh, don't worry about it. It's part and parcel of growing up finding out your parent aren't perfect.

That's not trauma. Dial down the panic.

Just say to anything they ask that you hold no grudge and it's in the past, you're not going to discuss names so no point asking. Tell them you think it's ok for them to know the basics but to be clear I'm not going to badmouth your dad because he's your dad.

Jesus Christ if this is trauma it's going to be a long few years for you

You didn't have to tell them, you know. There's such a thing as too much information, especially for a ten year old.

Just because they ask, doesn't mean you have to answer them.

That was very inappropriate for a ten and thirteen year old.

When your ten year old said we were trying to see if he was with her, you should just have said, oh really did you?And change the subject. You ve really started it now, haven't you.

No I think it is ok.

I let it slip out to my DC16, so a bit older. But I emphasised there are two people in a relationship and I didn’t want him taking sides, his dad loved him etc. I think in a way it makes it easier to understand. Also make sure they can talk to you.

Don’t worry

I think they know the type of man he is.

No 13 and 10 year old try to work out if dad or mums new person was on the scene before they separated unless they already know that person is like that or at least suspect it.

So they knew already or suspected and you just confirmed it. You also let them know it wasn’t his wife so she’s not a bad guy either.

I wouldn’t delve too deep into it at these ages.

My ex husband was an alcoholic, which was 100% of the reason that we split. When my daughter asks why we split up, I will tell her the most age appropriate version of that story that I can put my finger on, because it's not incumbent on me to lie for him. I will also say neutral or good things about him in the course of any conversations about him, but I do not think the expectation to lie to cover for the other parent is fair, reasonable or right, and I don't think it would be better for the child to suddenly find out many years later that they'd been lied to about the circumstances surrounding their parents' divorce.

It’s better for them to know the truth. They can process it and then move on rather than always guessing what happened and even blaming themselves.

They might be miffed with Dad for a while though.

Sincerely - child of divorce due to affair (I was 14).

My Dad had many affairs and I had to explain to my kids his current wife is the woman he left their Gran for as they asked and I wasn't prepared to lie.

They're fine, don't worry about it and they don't hate him or her (I'm still not keen mind).

No you're not a terrible mum.
I wouldn't tell my dcs if their dad had an affair though. I imagine the grief and hurt I would feel, they would feel too. I'd do my best to spare them that.

I don't bad mouth their dad, bar the normal frustrations you may have with lateness etc. I'm very factual. I've just ordered a personalised key ring for him from the girls and their additional half siblings for him for his birthday next week. I always do things for his wife from the kids. She's good to the so she gets goodness from me.
He would always tell them when they asked why we aren't together to ask your mum and I've always just said I didn't trust your dad to stay with him and trust is important. I never intended to ever tell them because I have infact moved on from the hurt so always assumed they would find out when they were older as things like this never truly stay hidden. I have told the girls they can talk to me whenever they want..

I think you did the right thing not lying to them.

They worked it out on their own, didn't they? Lying to them wouldn't have helped here. You haven't traumatised them, don't worry.

Well, it's done now. And remember, you didn't do the damage to your DDs and their family - he did!!

I don’t think you did anything wrong. I believe whole heartedly in telling kids age appropriate truth. Mine are older and are aware me and their dad split up for a short time when DS1 was 18 months old. They also know it’s because he cheated (one night not an affair). They love their dad as much as they ever did. Shit happens and I can’t see the point in lying about it.

I don't think you've done anything particularly 'wrong' (that's on their dad for cheating in the first place). But the same thing happened to me when I was around 11 and it deeply affected me.

For most of my teenage years I felt incredibly guilty for enjoying time with my dad/loving him. It made me feel disloyal even though my mum never spoke badly of him or encouraged this. I struggled to deal with these feelings and acted out for a while as a result.

In your shoes I'd speak to them and explicitly tell them they don't need to feel like this. You are happy he's a good dad to them, even if your marriage didn't work out. I'd also give him a heads up so he can speak to them (assuming he can be trusted to do so sensitively).

I don't think you've traumatised them. Sometimes the truth isn't nice. I think you need to be very upfront now. I'd be very clear that you left dad because you couldnt trust him. But, that dad's current wife/partner wasn't the OW and wasn't the reason that you split up.

I don't think you've caused them trauma, you've been as truthful as you can be with them in an age appropriate way. Your 13 year old is probably a bit hormonal and that accounts for her being teary and emotional - she is a bit older so probably understands a bit more. I would just concentrate on it being all in the past and that we're all fine and happy now and give them both a bit of a cuddle. It's ok for them to ask and it's good that they feel they can speak to you and not bottle it up in themselves and worry about it alone. You sound like a lovely mum - they will be fine 💐

He did wrong, you've been honest with the kids, just be there for them, and let him deal with any guilt and/or awkward questions 👍

I think it's important to tell them an appropriate truth once they are old enough to understand.

You told them what they needed to know when they were younger, but now they're older and clearly wise, they figured most of it out for themselves, so you were right to tell them.

If you want to play it down, then just make the point that as sad as it seems, you were clearly not the right person for their dad, as otherwise there wouldn't have been any "trust issues", so although what he did was wrong, you are both now happier.

They should know IMO, why should they blame you in any way shape or form for breaking up the family? (they maybe did without you knowing?) I don’t think it’s trauma, they’ve probably wondered for years.

Shut up! 😑