Reciprocating expensive birthday outings

[CaseClosedWineOpened]

Name change as my usual username is recognisable to friends as I use it on other social media.

I have a group of friends and we make an effort to celebrate birthdays - sometimes we go out, but we’ve also had some great nights in.

There is one friend in the group who often complains about being skint - I’ll call her Sarah. Sarah loves to go out for her birthday. Her last birthday was a few months ago and we did a group activity, cocktails and then a club. We had a great night - and I spent around £100.

My birthday has rolled around and I quite fancied organising a similar night out as we had so much fun last time. Sarah has mentioned on the group chat that she can’t afford to go out, but that we should go ahead without her. My priority is that the whole group is there, so I will probably organise a night in at my house instead - I’m sure we’ll still have plenty of fun. Nothing has been set in stone, so I’ll just say that the change of plan is because I’m feeling too tired and stressed with work to do a night out. Sadly, this is a very plausible excuse for me!

I had a grumble to another friend - Cathy - about feeling a little disappointed that Sarah often says she can’t afford to go out for our birthdays, even though we usually go out for hers. Cathy’s view is that if Sarah has limited funds for nights out, it makes sense that she prioritises her own birthday. Plus, Sarah has not asked me to change plans, I am choosing to change the plan as my preference is to include everyone.

I think Cathy is probably right that I am being unreasonable, but I am interested in how others might feel in this situation.

The AIBU:

YABU - it’s unreasonable to have any expectation that Sarah should spend money on your night out, just because you (happily) spent money on hers.

YANBU - it’s reasonable to feel disappointed that Sarah organised an expensive outing for her birthday but can’t afford to reciprocate for yours.

Thanks!

Based on your voting, YABU. However, I think Sarah is being fairly selfish to focus entirely on herself as I suspect she could do most or all of what you did for her birthday if she excluded alcohol.

Cheapish activity or skipped that altogether, water instead of cocktails, club entrance fee and no drinking, no need to get a taxi either way. Most she would have to pay would be the activity, entrance fee, possibly parking and fuel to get there and back. It’s pretty shitty that a friend makes arrangements that costs so much to celebrate their birthday but doesn’t think enough of others to do some sort of compromise for others’.

Ask Sarah if she can come if you do predrinks and she sticks to soft?

I voted YABU because Sarah hasn't asked you to change your plans - she told you to go ahead without her! Also, she's not expecting you to spend a lot on her birthday - you're invited but you can say no if you don't want to spend that much money.

Tricky. I do see your point that she gets to have the “better” birthday celebration by being willing to spend her own money on it, but then putting you in the position to have to do something cheaper if you want her there. It does feel a bit off to me. I think you should go ahead with your original plan without her. If everyone did the same she might find a way to come, or maybe tone down her own birthday celebration.