Is my marriage over and current financial situation

[Lovereading1]

I’ve name changed for this.

I’ve been married for 16 years and we have two children together. I don’t know if our marriage is over and I don’t know if I’m to blame
I’ve been unhappy in our marriage for a few years now, we had couple therapy and at the start it seemed to help. But as time went on nothing really changed, When I’ve been crying and saying I’m unhappy in our marriage he just ignores it. We don’t have a sex life, it had got less and less, then stopped three years ago apart from two occasions. I stopped trying to initiate sex as my husband would reject me. iThis was my husband’s decision about us no longer having sex. Last year after telling me that it wasn’t because of me that he didn’t want sex, he told me he didn’t find me as attractive and one reason was my weight, I had put on weight which made me go up a dress size to size 18 after going from been physically ok to been in a lot of pain,biggest I had ever been. When we met I was a size 16. I admit I was overweight, I have lost weight and now I’m underweight. I can’t forget the list of reasons he gave me why he found me less attractive and I don’t want him to see me naked, which he doesn’t and can’t even see how we could ever have sex again, even if he wanted to. He really hurt me last year. He himself is over weight but I wouldn’t say that to him, he has high blood pressure and diabetes now.

I feel like we are two people who just live in the same house, my husband sees us as been married. I’ve tried to make suggestions of what we could do as a couple for a date night or even during the day at the weekends now our children can be left at home for a couple of hours and in over a year we have had a date night three times an occasionally gone for a coffee together. As a family it is difficult to get our children to do stuff now they are teenagers. I have suggested that we plan something in the week to do at the weekend but it rarely happens, so weekends are mainly at home. As a couple we watch a tv programme together in the evenings and have dinner together, our children want their dinner before my husband finishes work most of the time.

I have asked my husband how he feels about our marriage and what he wants. He started off saying up until this year that our marriage is fine and he is happy with it. He doesn’t want to split up and he doesn’t believe in divorce. He has said this year that we do need to spend more time together and he doesn’t want to split up.

i feel that my husband is there for me in practical terms but not emotionally. I’ve asked him if he would do marriage counselling but he says we have already done it.

i know the past year has been harder for my husband as my mental health became worse last year and I became unwell. I am having therapy and have been trying to get better and I do appreciate his support with the practical things like taking our youngest to school and picking him up, his school is 6 miles away from our house. I got a cleaner this year to try and help as i have physically health problems which cause me to be in a lot of pain and I was struggling to keep on top of the house work and my husband thinks I’m ocd about cleaning as for example I think the bedding needs changing weekly, floors need hoovering regularly as we have pets, but he doesn’t think cleaning needs doing often, like hoovering, polishing to get rid of dust. Our youngest has asthma and I do too. The mental health team I’m under do think that our marriage is having a negative impact on my mental health.

my husband snaps at our children and me easily and moans a lot. He isn’t the same man I married and I know people do change but the change is for the worse. I have tried to understand him and the mental health team I’m under have offered him support, so he has someone to talk to and he didn’t want this.

He doesn’t want to split up and he doesn’t believe in divorce.

He doesn't act like he wants to stay in his marriage though, does he?
This may sound a bit harsh but generally speaking I see the making and the breaking of every marriage as the affair of both parties, i.e. in most cases (not all but most!) no single party can be held responsible for the collapse of any relationship. It takes two to make a marriage and usually takes two to break it. There are some abusive lunatics out there and I am not going to go into victim blaming here but even in those cases decisions need to be made to end the unacceptable.

So I guess the question here is what do you want? It doesn't sound like you see too many positive prospects to this relationship. It makes you unhappy and the husband doesn't seem to be willing to do anything or show any enthusiasm for making improvements. This sounds like the relationship is dead to me and turned into a marriage of convenience so to speak where both parties may be staying together for practical reasons as you put it, which is understandable but wrong for both of you and for your children as everyone just ends up unhappy.

One question that needs to be asked is what you are willing to do and what can you do? Then start making plans to achieve what you want. If it's over, then it's over. It needs to be accepted and you need to move on. If you aren't working at the moment, then maybe start looking, so you can start making plans for your independent life?

Sorry, I really don't want to make it harder than necessary but I just don't see what else you could do in this situation, and I don't see the point in being miserable for the rest of your life.

He’s really done a number on your self confidence hasn’t he?! The comments about not finding you physically attractive because of your weight are hard or maybe even impossible to come back from. It sounds like he doesn’t want to change the status quo because he’s comfortable with the situation as it is. Your happiness is completely irrelevant to him.

Start making plans for a divorce. You don’t have to tell him. You can change your mind at any time. Just start working out the practical aspects, would you have to sell
the house etc. I think you’ll soon come to realise which it is you want, to stay in the marriage or not. You can’t make him change though so the situation as it is now is what’s on offer if you stay in the marriage.

Anyone who says "i dont believe in divorce" really means, that dont want to take the financial hit of divorcing.

Sounds a lot like my marriage. H (now XH) didn’t want to put in any effort, saw many jobs as being mine, totally disengaged from family life. It took a toll on my mental health.
Almost 4 years after we split, I’m so much better. I got myself promoted, go to the gym regularly. Had counselling. Met a nice fella a year after we split. XH met someone else within weeks (so soon, I suspect he already had her waiting in the wings).
Think very carefully about your future with this man. He doesn’t want to split up, but he also doesn’t want to put in any effort with your marriage. If you stay with him, this is how your life will be. I think you deserve better.

He doesn’t want to split up, but he also doesn’t want to put in any effort with your marriage.

This nails it. He won't change, he's as good as told you so.

Only you can decide whether or not to end the marriage, but I suspect that the MH team are right and that being married to this dismal fun sponge is partly to blame for your MH issues.

You would be far better off without your husband.
Hopefully you will sort yourself out practically and financially.
He is the source of your problems.
Sorry.

Never mind what he thinks or what he wants - it's what YOU feel and what YOU want that's important! If you feel that the marriage is over for you (given his treatment of you, I think it's absolutely reasonable) then you are allowed to seek legal advice and file for divorce if that's what you want.

If you feel that you want to try and save the marriage, you are allowed to say this is what I need from him - couples counselling, spending more time together as a couple and as a family, him making the effort towards intimacy etc. These can be framed as non-negotiable if he wants the marriage to continue.

If you want to end the marriage, it's entirely your decision - you don't need his permission.