Am I doing the right thing?

[41Bex1989]

I don't even know If this is the place for this to be honest..I'm 36 recovering addict of 20 years nearly, I came out of an 18 year relationship last year during that relationship I never got pregnant even though I never used any contraception and my then partner already had children from a previous marriage so I assumed I wasn't able to have children. After splitting I met a guy who was the first person I slept with and got pregnant the first month with twin girls, I was/am still in active addiction although I did stay clean during my pregnancy and both girls were born perfectly healthy, there now 3 months old and I just don't feel like I'm good for them and they deserve better than me even though it's Breaking my heart completely i feel they deserve stability and a happy home and im not in a situation to give them all they deserve, I don't want to drag them through it, so am I doing the right thing? I want to be clean and be the best mother I can be but what if I mess everything up, it's more than just the drugs I suffer with my mental health daily after the murder of my father I need some advice before I loose my mind, please be kind, be honest but genuinely people who want to help please HELP, just to put peoples minds at rest the girls are in no danger and are been looked after by family at the moment.

You are already a good mum, you clearly care about your girls. Ask for all the help and support you need. Are you already under social work if not ask for early help. They are genuinely there to help. Take each day as it comes. I genuinely wish you all the best.

Vgbeat.. thank you honestly I just feel so guilty ashamed even it's all I've ever wanted and I've got it and the hole I thought was there because I wasn't a mother is still there there absolutely perfect beautiful girls but they deserve better if loving them was enough we would be the richest in the world but the truth is it's not, I no there's a reason a lesson maybe, but right now i just feel broken but trying and failing I don't know how id live after, it could be years before I mess up but the thought of putting them through something like that scares me more then anything been possibly taken at a age where they are aware of everything remembering that, that's trauma and I know what and how trauma affects you. My family don't understand and it's causing a lot of problems they think I'm choosing drugs over my children and truly it's not the case..my mind just isn't strong enough to deal I could be worrying about something that may never happen but I just can't gamble with my girls life's and futures, the thing I'm fighting the most is am i causing them trauma what ever i do? And I think I am😔
And yes I reached out to my local authority when I was pregnant for help, thanks again

Mu heart breaks for you reading your post. I totally agree that you might not be a good functioning mum right now but you are certainly an amazing mum for being such a selfless one and thinking of your girls first. Very few mums love their children that much.

Two things to consider:

• Bring a new mum is very hard for many mums, let alone mums of twins suffering from trauma. The first few months are often horrendous for many and it's very normal to question everything. Hormones are ragging and we are all over the place. The adjustment to being a mum and the responsibility that comes with it is overwhelming. All this can and does affe t many mum, so the way you feel right now might have nothing to do with you and your demons.
• notwithstanding the above, do you think that possible, the strength of the love for your daughters could be the difference and the energy you need to battle your addiction? Maybe this time will be different because you have even more of a reason, a foal, an aim, a responsibility to do it? You might have sought help before and it wasn't successful could this time be different because you now have two special girls, who came to you for a reason, to fight for? Imagine life addiction free, mental health stable with your two girls. Do you get some surge of energy deep inside buried amongst the exhaustion, sleep deprivation, despair and fear? If so, you might still have it in you to trust yourself and try again.

Whatever you do OP, you are amazing for putting your daughters wellbeing before your love for them, don't ever forget that.