Don’t wanna be here anymore

[really14]

I feel desperate. Absolutely desperate.
I’ve got 4 children. I spend every moment of my days just being their mum and I love them. dearly.
9 months. 7 , 13 and 15.

my 9 month old is with my now ex. Amazing at the start. Became extreme abusive. I’ve been called fat, ugly, loser, shit mum, a failure, told me the kids are better without me. He’s hit me once but my god it hurt. In my temple at the side of my head. I’ve got messages saying he going for my throat, I’m dead. U name it.

i have my own house and im don’t live with him. Obviously I’ve stopped him seeing our son as he’s still abusive. I will not hand my baby over to any angry person. Of course this has made him even more angry. He’s blocked on everything so he emails me. If I block email it still goes to spam.
I ignore him and he’s resorted to contacting my family trying to destroy our relationships. Smearing my name and luying.

today he’s gone beyond it & reported me to social services for having post natal depression & being a bad mum?
all I wanted was to enjoy my babies and wake up in peace and he’s doing anything he can to destroy me.
he says he’s applied for court but haven’t heard anything? yet. Hope he hasn’t.

I use to be strong, I loved dancing & singing. I loved makeup. Loved my friends. Loved life. I was the most confident person you’d meet & the best friend.
now, I cry, I shake, I’m scared I’m sad. I hate my face. I detest my postpartum body. I look at my babies and hear him say how shit I am.

I know I need to ring the police but I’m petrified what he’ll do back. He’s totally unhinged. He does not care.

what hurts be the most is my family are decent people but aren’t supporting. I’ve spoken up to my parents, my older brother and they say to basically share the baby with him to stop him getting more angry.

I can’t tell u how low I am and how alone I feel. I’ve sat & thought… it will all end if I’m not here and the kids won’t have a sad mum.
I’ve constantly got a pit in my stomach, a lump in my throat. This is only a bit of the story. I’ve got 1 friend.

id love a strong woman to just give me some strength,
I’ve dedicated my life to the kids. Protecting them, providing, guiding and right now I’m empty.

I know he wants them taken from me. It’s killing me inside. Where do I go. What do I do.
do I run away for a bit as a cry out to my family. I’m sick of being alone crying. No cuddle. No chat. No cuppa tea. Nothing. Nobody.
sorry if I sound like an attention seeker I’m just beside myself and lonely x

I just couldn't pass this by without replying to let you know there are faceless people out here, like myself who care. Do you have any friends you could turn to?

You're not attention seeking and I'm certainly no expert, but by leaving the first time he hurt you, you showed an amazing amount of strength. I admire you. Please reach out. I think Womensaid would be a good first call.

Stay strong.

Rise above it.

Contact the police.

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this horrible ordeal. My ex did the whole social services thing to try and get at me. They come round, see everything is fine, and go away again. Can you access any counselling, perhaps a women’s charity or similar? It’s so easy to feel like crap and so alone. You are not alone in the way you feel.

This hurt my heart to read. Firstly what kind of mum would stand between her babies and a violent bastard?-an AMAZING one. You've been attacked physically and mentally, you're coping with this alone & you're still fighting for your childrens peace and safety. You are so strong!!
Please call the police. Talk to them, get advise. Let them know what he's done to you & get it logged. Then you will have something to tell the social worker if they come to see you. Keep a diary of all the abuse/harassment for when they come.
Best of luck to you. I hope he crawls back under his rock.

you are so strong to have made it this far. now you just need to keep going for another day.

call the Samaritans on 116 123 to get someone to talk to right now.

then you can call the police tomorrow.

His abuse is doing this to you. Don’t let him break you for the sake of your kids. I’d rather have a sad mum who I’d try and make happy than no mum. You need your kids and they need you. Record everything he does in a book. Extreme things record online to the police. Don’t let him do this to you. He should be behind bars for hitting you.

His lies are getting in your head, it’s what happens.
If you go to police they might be supportive, they might not, you need to not pin too much on their support.
What I do know is your DC want and need their mum, and suicide never saves anyone, it just passes the trauma on.

This too will pass - it really will and good times will be ahead.
right now one day at a time but please do log with the police his harassment.
talk to your family this week, you say they are decent but maybe you are doing a better job than you think of putting on a strong front and need to express some of what you have here that you really need them to be on your team and help you with the decision you’ve made to keep him out of yours and your children’s lives.

You sound lovely, you can do this x

@really14 I've been where you are for similar reasons and I'm so sorry, it's fucking desperate. I can promise you, this isn't forever: right now you're going to be reeling from the abuse, especially the gaslighting, but you did absolutely the right thing to get out and the more you stay away from him, the more you will heal.

If it's helpful, a good friend said to me when I was dealing with my ex's behaviour: 'you're treating it like he's playing 3D chess, when really he's an angry little boy in an adult body, just lashing out and flailing'. That reframing really helped - he can throw all kinds of mud at you but it can't stick because it's not true. You're not a shit mum, and if you have postnatal depression I'd lay odds it's rooted in or exacerbated by his behaviour. In any event, SS aren't about to take your baby away from their primary carer because you're depressed, based on the word of an abusive ex.

Definitely give Women's Aid a call. They were a lifeline for me and my wee one. Samaritans have been there for me too, as have people on here. Keep talking; hold fast; much love.

Also re: your family. It's a real shock when people don't grasp how bad the abuse was, or the abuser's mindset - the idea that you could de-escalate things somehow is flawed because you simply can't co-operate with people like this. They're not reasonable or functional. I can totally understand how it would hurt that they're suggesting this, but please keep the faith that anyone who's been through it knows you are right.

Evening,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when any of our users feel like this we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our mental health webpage.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

He is doing this because he knows you've seen through him. He knows you're a good mum and so do you. Was the violence reported at the time? If not still do it now. You need to have proper safeguarding in place for yourself and your family. This is when things are most dangerous for you - I honestly don't say this to scare you but so that you can keep yourself and your baby safe. You have done all the right things,you have protected your kids from an abusive man & now that his power is slipping he is acting out of desperation. You can do this, it is hard but you've already done the hardest part. Please report this if you haven't already & contact womens aid for support. You can do this. You deserve to be happy.

Well done for reaching out. I can highly recommend CALM for someone to speak to right now. You can WhatsApp them so you can talk freely. They’re available 5pm-midnight and they’re very good.

Please call the police and women’s aid though. They will help you. It doesn’t have to be like this.

I'm so sorry you feeling like this. This is not you, it's what he has done to you. That strong women you used to be is still inside you, you'll get her back.

Your child love and adore you and need you. I think you know that deep down and they would be lost without you.

Can you ring women's aid and get dome support? It's always easier ring the police when you've some support and strenght behind you.

It's also worth speaking to GP on how you are feeling. It may not feel like but this is temporary.

This is not your fault. I really hope things begin to turn around for you.