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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with dh meeting his female friend

17 replies

bonkerslady · 28/10/2025 14:22

Hi
I'm struggling with loads at the moment due to my age and peri/menopause and I feel like I'm going crazy all the time.

I've been with DH for 30 years and married for 25, 2 teenage kids.

DH works at a school so is on half term. He has arranged to meet a lady he used to work with, and they meet every now and again, usually with other people. They are meeting to go for lunch and then drinks after just the 2 of them, and its really annoyed me.

I have never met his friend and am struggling with my weight and self confidence at the moment.

Earlier in the year I had a moan that everyone expected me to do everything at home, and it would be nice if someone did something for me for a change. Every meal we go out for I have to organise and book etc, think of places to go things to do. If I hadn't booked to go out for my birthday no-one else would have done it for me. I just feel totally taken for granted.

I was determined not to make a thing about him meeting his friend but its just really got to me especially as he has instigated it this time, and managed to book the meal for them.

AIBU for being upset over something so small - I feel like I'm now making a big thing of it when I wanted to keep my emotions in tact. I do trust DH and have never had any reason not to, and there's no reason he can't meet a female friend, but its just upset me this time.

FYI - I hardly ever do anything with my friends or work colleagues as it usually results in an argument or me getting the silent treatment, and its easier not to.

OP posts:
trogtrogtrog · 28/10/2025 14:30

I think you're completely justified in feeling taken for granted and crap that he can make the effort for her and not for you. But I think the biggest issue here is that if you ever try and do anything for yourself, you get an argument or the silent treatment. 🚩You know that's manipulation and control, right?

Besttobe8001 · 28/10/2025 14:38

Time to start going out to do things for yourself - with friends, at the gym, whatever you need at the moment. If he has big feelings about it he can cope with them.

Original poster
bonkerslady · 28/10/2025 14:38

trogtrogtrog · 28/10/2025 14:30

I think you're completely justified in feeling taken for granted and crap that he can make the effort for her and not for you. But I think the biggest issue here is that if you ever try and do anything for yourself, you get an argument or the silent treatment. 🚩You know that's manipulation and control, right?

Edited

Thank you - yes we are working through the other issues, which have been worse since Covid, and it is now getting better but I wanted to not get upset about him meeting her, as it just makes me as bad for making a thing out of it when it really shouldn't be

OP posts:
NoSpanielSympathy · 28/10/2025 14:40

Give it to him straight!

“Why tf are you arranging date nights out with a friend and not your wife?”

Splendidbouquet · 28/10/2025 14:41

So it's one rule for him and another for you?
He gets to go on what is essentially a date with his woman friend whilst you can't meet your friends or work colleagues without him arguing or giving you silent treatment.
Silent treatment abuse OP.

Why has he not introduced you to this woman if she is a long standing friend?
I wouldn't be happy with him meeting up with her one on one but I think that it's just one of the things in your marriage that needs addressing.

AlphaApple · 28/10/2025 14:42

Sounds like he's checked out of your relationship, and only keeping you around for domestic convenience.

Time to find your anger OP!

trogtrogtrog · 28/10/2025 14:44

bonkerslady · 28/10/2025 14:38

Thank you - yes we are working through the other issues, which have been worse since Covid, and it is now getting better but I wanted to not get upset about him meeting her, as it just makes me as bad for making a thing out of it when it really shouldn't be

Show quote history

I think, as women, we're taught not to make a big deal of things and not to make a fuss. But we are allowed to be bothered by things.

It sounds to me like you're not particularly bothered about him going for lunch with this woman but more bothered that he's taken initiative with her when you're left to handle the mental load at home without a second thought from him. And that's completely fair. You're well within your rights to say "Hey. I don't have a problem with you and X going for lunch, but it's making me feel a little sad and under-appreciated that you don't plan things like that for me." and see what he says.

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/10/2025 14:49

It sounds like you're conflating two separate issues:

  • Do you get enough support and appreciation from your family (no)
  • Do you trust your husband

On the first point you're totally within your rights to hold his feet to the fire here and make sure you get the support you need and get treated the way you deserve.

On the question of whether you trust your husband and have cause to not trust him, I can't answer that, but this is much bigger than whether he pulls his weight at home.

I personally have no problem with my DP meeting female friends because a) I trust him and b) there's feck all I can do to stop him anyway so why worry? I don't believe spouses should police their partners friendships with the opposite sex. If I had cause to believe there was something iffy going on I'd leave, but while you're in a relationship with someone you have to trust them or there's no point.

If you don't trust him and think that he's up to something that's a whole other point and you need to tackle this.

But I'd be very careful to separate the two and ask yourself honestly which is the real issue. A marriage can be improved by having a direct conversation if one partner feels underappreciated. Not so much if there is infidelity. So time to decide what the real issue is.

DiscoBob · 28/10/2025 14:52

Tell him you're going out with a male friend that night.

Original poster
bonkerslady · 28/10/2025 14:58

trogtrogtrog · 28/10/2025 14:44

I think, as women, we're taught not to make a big deal of things and not to make a fuss. But we are allowed to be bothered by things.

It sounds to me like you're not particularly bothered about him going for lunch with this woman but more bothered that he's taken initiative with her when you're left to handle the mental load at home without a second thought from him. And that's completely fair. You're well within your rights to say "Hey. I don't have a problem with you and X going for lunch, but it's making me feel a little sad and under-appreciated that you don't plan things like that for me." and see what he says.

Show quote history

That's exactly how it is - I don't have an issue with them meeting up, but the stupid little thing that got to me was the being able to arrange it and book the meal, when its always left to me to do if we go out as a couple or as a family.

OP posts:
Strawber · 28/10/2025 15:00

Well op I was on the same scenario, I eventually drove my husband to this night out. 6 months later found all the texts and I ended our 17 year relationship and 3 young children. You think you know or trust someone.

A man is only as faithful as his options .

ohyesido · 28/10/2025 15:55

Haha no.

meet up with her and go on a date? Don’t come back to me fren

thisishowloween · 28/10/2025 16:03

NoSpanielSympathy · 28/10/2025 14:40

Give it to him straight!

“Why tf are you arranging date nights out with a friend and not your wife?”

Yep, this. He doesn't sound nice - at all.

ShesTheAlbatross · 28/10/2025 16:05

I think him going for lunch with this woman is not an issue and you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

He does nothing at home, and if you go out with a friend he gives you the silent treatment??? That’s so completely out of line of him that I’d be seriously rethinking the relationship. You can’t see a friend without him punishing you?

SquaredCircled · 28/10/2025 16:09

FYI - I hardly ever do anything with my friends or work colleagues as it usually results in an argument or me getting the silent treatment, and its easier not to.

That's the real issue here, surely?

Wrenjay · 28/10/2025 16:13

I didn't mind H going out on a "club" night with a group ballroom dancing, as I had been out during the day with my friend (F). The "club" night turned out to be him dating another female! I found out 18 months later. Over 100 people knew what he was up to!

Do not be fooled like I was.

HelloCharming · 28/10/2025 16:15

SquaredCircled · 28/10/2025 16:09

FYI - I hardly ever do anything with my friends or work colleagues as it usually results in an argument or me getting the silent treatment, and its easier not to.

That's the real issue here, surely?

Yes, this surely?

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