To think that a lot of people’s struggles with adult relationships actually trace back to unresolved parent/child trauma?

[RootedInPatterns]

I know every relationship is different but it feels like so many issues - fear of intimacy, emotional withdrawal, constant conflict, abandonment issues, often have their roots in early relationships with parents or caregivers. I’m not saying it’s an excuse for bad behaviour but maybe we underestimate how much unresolved childhood wounds show up in adulthood, especially in friendships, dating and even work relationships.

AIBU to think that if more people faced that honestly, adult relationships might be healthier overall?

Indeed, OP. You might want to look up Attachment Theory, very interesting!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

We are all the products of our upbringing, the societal factors around us and of course genetics. There have been countless studies on nature versus nurture over the years. But I'm not sure what your point is. Do you mean that we more readily acknowledge our own flaws in relationships, or that we spend years in therapy trying to negate any negativity from our past? Given that so many people are finding it hard to meet anyone at all these days, I think the latter might not be that helpful.

What do you mean by face it? I think many are aware of their difficulties and where they've come from, but can't afford therapy.

Or the opposite end of the spectrum - absolutely indulged as children/ teens and now they are insufferable

Well, you're not wrong, but it's less clear to me how you want that to translate into 'healthier adult relationships'.

I mean, I know exactly why I am the way I am (including parental non-response to CSA, not a topic for a comparatively lighthearted internet thread -- suffice to say some fairly dreadful, though well-meaning, parenting from two parents who had not themselves really been parented, and were both from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds with no idea there was more to having children than basic food and clothes), but understanding that doesn't necessarily translate into a healthier relationship practice.

No one ever responded to me when I was upset as a small child (some of my earliest memories are crying and crying at night, and no one ever coming) and to this day, I can absolutely never ask for help, from anyone, ever, including my DH and friends who love me, because I don't trust anyone to show up, and I fear having to deal with them not doing so. I keep my 'difficult' emotions to myself, because I've never quite been able to unlearn that people don't have the bandwidth for them.

YABU to think this is a revolutionary idea OP! It is well known that our relationships as infants and young children form the blueprint for our relationships as adults. It is hard work to over come that.

That was a bit snarky. Here is a famous cartoon for you, although I'm sure you'll already have seen it as you seem to think everybody should already know everything:

https://xkcd.com/1053/

Unfortunately, or fortunately, a lot of us end up recreating our parents’ patterns.

You are so right. I stopped dating men who didn’t have good relationships with their mothers and/or had therapy for this reason.