AIBU to quit due to life events

[Overwhelmedwiththings]

I work 25-hours over 3 days in a row, a steady job I intend to keep till I retire. 6 months ago I started training to be a sports coach, and it took a lot of studying and work. I planned on working about 8 hours around school on the days I don’t work.

However life just got in the way. Over the past month I’ve had a very sick elderly relative, and I’ve had to deal with them remotely, and I’m now staying with them for a week. I’ve had to take time off work, the stress got to me and I was off sick too. As a result I didn’t finish my coaching course and need to go back to it.

I’m in the middle of the above and we’ve just had a close family tragedy. It means I need to travel back and forth to help and sort out things over the next 3 months. My elderly relative is also having another operation.

I feel overwhelmed with it all.

I told DH that I can’t do my coaching job at the moment and either need to tell them I want to delay it for 3 months, or quit. My regular job I need to keep and that’s even a struggle now but I get big gaps between when I work and I can sort out my extended family.

DH has honestly mad about life not stopping when things go wrong, that I’ve always wanted to do it etc.

I’ve also got DC to look after. I’m just exhausted with it all.

AIBU to just say life got in the way and I need to delay it or quit my coaching. I’d gave to pay back the courses they’ve paid for me.

The terms and conditions are often there to stop time wasters and piss takers. You are neither and have very real reasons, I’d really suggest you have a talk with the coaching provider and explain the circumstances, they may well show more flexibility than you expect for a genuine serious reason.

Delay.

Perfectly reasonable to delay in this situation. Your DH doesn’t sound very supportive.

Thank you. I think I might write to them and delay. I’ve already told them I didn’t finish the course I was in (I can catch up quickly, it’s literally 1 day I need to complete).

I’m here helping with an operation. Unfortunately something dreadful happened whilst here and my trip has turned into something very different. Don’t want to out myself by saying what.

I’ll need to travel hundreds of miles about 3 or 4 times in the next 3 months, stay and help, whilst trying to keep my main job afloat and juggle my DC. I’m exhausted. Job 2 I need to be fully focused on for safeguarding and safety reasons. I just don’t have the headspace for it right now.

You have very good reasons for putting this to one side for now, so do it and don’t feel guilty.
If your husband is so determined that you should carry on, ask him what he’s going to take off your hands (eg all housework, school pick ups etc) to give you back enough time to enable you to continue with the coaching.

Agree with this. Have a frank conversation and see what your options are. If you can delay then I’d think that would be the best course of action ?

Gosh I’m so sorry to hear all that you’re going through 💐

My DH is usually very supportive.

However he is lucky enough to never have had a sick relative, or a sudden tragic death or other catastrophe in his life (touch wood so far) and he doesn’t understand what it’s like emotionally and physically.

I think if you quit you will regret it. I think what your husband might be thinking is that at some stage things will go back to normal so you shouldn’t quit. Do you have anyone else to share visits? Could you hire a cleaner to take off the load? Do you have any annual leave you could take from your main job?

I’ve used all my leave up. I’ve also got some allocated for the next operation I need to support.

There are others who can help, but they aren’t really. I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. This could go on for a few years.

Elderly relative won’t help themselves. I’ve tried to convince them to move to a brand new, supported, smaller house/ flat but they won’t. I can’t even eat or drink off the plates they are so ground in with dirt. They have a cleaner but TBH I think they use the time to chat to them and make them tea.

I’m just so tired.

And I haven’t had a shower for 3 days. There’s hardly any water coming out, and it’s not very clean.

I would’ve done some cleaning but I’ve spent the last 3/4 days dealing with family emergency and yesterday asleep from exhaustion.

Your dh needs to take over the housework and childcare then you can concentrate on other stuff. Doesn't he feel guilty watching you do it all?

As a wife and a parent, I feel that everything for me stops when someone else has a crisis and this feels very similar.

Elderly relative won’t help themselves so it’s on you to shove your life to one side to help them. Is this what YOU want? There are options, plenty of elderly people don’t have anyone to help and you’ve already said there are others who can help but aren’t. There is also social services.

im sure that the course provider will allow you to take a break but is it what YOU want?

It sounds like you need to back away from this crisis. You say elderly relative won’t help themselves, and other family won’t help. Of course they won’t while they can just sit back and let you run yourself into the ground doing everything. This is absolutely not okay and it won’t just be the 2nd job that you will have to give up if you carry on like this. You are heading into burnout and if you don’t do something about it you could render yourself unable to function for months. Please believe me as someone who’s done it myself and seen others do it. You have to stop this. You are no use to anyone if you collapse from exhaustion. You need to start using the words “I can’t “, because you can’t. Tell the rest of the family what you can’t do and let them sort it out. And if they don’t do it then it doesn’t get done. There will potentially be some bad consequences of this, but if you step in and do things because they refuse it will just get worse. You must protect yourself.

Your relative needs social services input. If a active healthy person is struggling to cope in the house then there is no way an elderly person can cope.

If your DH feels so strongly about it what is he doing to ease the strain on you to enable you to continue with all these commitments without burning out completely? Unless he is taking 8 hours a week worth of pressure off you to enable you to continue the coaching then YANBU to delay it until your family commitments allow. Do look after yourself, it really does sound like you’re at risk of burning out