TW CSA - AIBU to refuse contact

[AhNotAgain]

Name change so topic not associated with usual name.

I’ll try to do a super short version of the story.

In a nutshell, I was abused as a 4 year old by my grandmothers foster children, over a period of about 6-12 months (hard to remember precisely). Obviously I won’t discuss details but it was significant and sustained.

I was “okay” for many years and hid this from my family as I was ashamed, but after the birth of my daughter and then when she approached that age, I started to struggle.

My mother started to foster when I went to university, and initially I was okay with this as I didn’t live with then, they were very young, and contact was sporadic. I was able to rationalise and keep my feelings separate and to myself.

But at the same time my daughter was the age I was, my mothers foster children approached the age my abuser was. And I’m ashamed to say I just struggled more and more and then had a breakdown. I told my mother that I was struggling with the high levels of contact (she had moved near to me and we were seeing her and them multiple times per week always at her house which was her preference) because I had been abused - I explained what I’ve said here. She was angry and wanted details which I refused - I was upset at her response but she has always been quite difficult. I said I needed some space and was going to seek therapy.

I was diagnosed with PTSD, with the contact with the foster children being a trigger - which in hindsight was obvious - I would get flashbacks, get panicky and need to escape/leave. I updated my mother with this but she wouldn’t accept it, so I told her I needed to spend some time getting better without the foster children contact, and I hoped with time I would be able to see them again, but for now could we meet at mine or out the house for lunch etc (the children are teens so can be left alone for short periods or they can stay with her partner who is also approved as a foster carer and doesn’t work). She said no, so I haven’t seen her for quite a while just phone calls and very sporadic 5 mins when she drops something off at mine.

She’a recently taken on another foster child, a 3 year old abuse victim along with her other 2 teens that she still has. She obviously needs to be with this child all the time, who has suffered terribly, and I have every sympathy for that. Mum called me this evening and asked me to visit to see the child/asked if she could bring her to meet me. I said no unfortunately I can’t do this at the moment as I’m not well enough and I haven’t progressed far enough in my therapy to meet your older ones again yet, (let alone a young abuse victim - which I didn’t spell out). She said how difficult I’m making things for her, and I’m making it impossible for her to see me.

AIBU to think it’s not ME that’s making it difficult, it’s the monsters that abused me a child?! I’m working really hard to get well, and I’ve felt so much better these last few months as I haven’t been triggered multiple times per week.

I just don’t know how to repair our relationship or get to a point where she can understand me? Or am I being completely unreasonable and I need to try with this child? I would really prefer to not see (known) foster children multiple times per week ongoing given my history - it’s so upsetting to have the flashbacks, it’s like it’s happening again. But I know that’s so unkind and all children deserve to have contact with kind loving people which I’m sure this child has had so little of so far in her life.

Any advice? Thanks in advance. I’m a bit sensitive about this topic, so please say it kindly if I’m being unreasonable.

I'm sorry you had/have this situation. I don't think you're being unreasonable - your triggers are your triggers, and you can't help that. You know that these current foster children weren't the ones to hurt you, but your PTSD is a trauma response, not a concious one. It's very understandable that being around the foster children now the ages are similiar brings back awful memories and feelings. I also don't think your mum is wrong in caring for foster children, but I do feel from your post that she minimalises / negates your feelings somewhat. The way you talk about her saying you were always difficult, not meeting you halfway when you said you were struggling and could you meet out the house alone, and not realising how triggering you find situations. And that (speaking as someone who's feelings were negated by my mum, but who showed love to a sibling) must be so hard to see when you see her nurturing side with the foster children. Especially now when you see a small girl, like you, who's been through abuse and needs so much love, care and understanding. And that you dealt with that alone.

I don't think you're being unreasonable by setting up some boundaries, you're keeping you (and the mum of your little one) safe and healthy. It's OK to do that, and not selfish. You've said how you can meet / keep in touch in ways that feel ok to you, and your mum has chosen to not take those up.

It's an incredibly difficult situation. I think it's worth chatting it through with your therapist. I wish you luck.

Thank you for your kind reply

Yanbu and if your mum can't understand that then you need to put your own wellbeing first. I'm sorry that she's not able to do this as a parent should.

I’m so sorry for what you were put through as a child. I’m no psychologist but do you think what’s been triggering you is possibly seeing your mum esp seeing her prioritising other people’s needs over yours, rather than these specific children. In other words, you’re sort of thinking it’s the foster children but it’s actually your mum/her behaviour?

Are you upset every time you see kids of that age in other contexts, eg friends’ children, neighbours etc? Or is it the your family member+ foster kids that is the trigger?

I feel like you are being a little tiny bit unreasonable to find foster children per se a trigger, they are just children after all and I feel like this is something you will be working on. But you are not even one smidgen unreasonable to find the fact that your mum is refusing to believe or support you, or meet you halfway on your request to meet at your house, really really hurtful and unhelpful.