Page 2 | I know I’m being an idiot but feel so upset

Daisydoo73 · 2025-10-27T17:05:11+00:00

So earlier my 6 year old made a comment and said if me and husband ever broke up he would live with his dad, I totally acted like a child myself and stormed off and then had a go at my son telling him how hurtful things like that are to say. I know I’ve acted totally immature, but I feel so gutted (we aren’t splitting up) but just so hurt that he said it, he is a daddy’s boy through and through and I’ve often struggled with that as I feel useless as it is, I know I sound pathetic, I don’t think it’s helped that I am hormonal to. I feel like I just want to get being a mum right so bad but I overthink it so much. My son has adhd so most days can be pretty challenging, he calls me names most days and is very explosive and I can deal with that I just ignore it and explain how we don’t say this, but this comment just got me today. My son only wants me in the night to sleep in bed with him which I love as that’s are little time and one time I feel he wants me other than his dad, I know I sound pathetic, my dad was a narc himself and I don’t want to be like him but I feel like I am being like him right now sat in a huff about what my son has said.

Agix · 30/10/2025 10:04

OP, it may not seem it right now, but you are the favourite parent. You're the safe parent. The trusted parent. Your son would feel your absence a lot more than he would feel his father's, even if he won't realise it until it happens.

You're the one he has outbursts around. You're the one he needs to sleep at night. You are safety.

Safety and security are everything to a kid, and when you do a good job at it they don't know it, and you've done such a good job he takes it for granted. But if he lost that? Then he'd know.

No, name calling and outbursts are not okay. This is not nice for you. But, if we're talking about who the most important parent is to this kid, in his own mind, it's you. You are safety. He feels safe letting go like that around you. I imagine he's not an aggressive or violent kid, and his outbursts are related to his ND? Yeah, you're safety.

If you ever did split with your DH, let your son go with his dad. If it ever happened, I would place bets that he'd be coming back once he realises himself (unless I found out you were actually really horrible to him or something lol)

Give him a cuddle and just tell him you love him no matter what, and that's why it hurt when he said he'd want to live with dad. Doesnt have to go any further.

Leopardspota · 30/10/2025 10:26

You need to be prepared for worse as he gets older. remember he is a child, testing boundaries and will not understand the impact of what he says. It’s your job to help him learn without reacting. Sometimes just ignore and move on, other times explain how his words make you feel and reiterate that you love him unconditionally. Stay calm!

SpaceRaccoon · 30/10/2025 10:31

You shouldn't be allowing a six year old to call you names.

Nearly50omg · 30/10/2025 10:56

Having adhd is no excuse to call you names! Stop that right now! You are the parent not him!!

HangryBlueCritic · 30/10/2025 11:05

It’s natural for something like that to sting especially when you probably feel you give so much to help him with his adhd. You didn’t handle it well but I can understand why it hurt the way it did. Kids can be brutal but I imagine in the mind of a 6 year old there is some very superficial reason why he would say he would live with dad over you.

apologise for your reaction and it’s ok to say it hurt your feelings.

buckle up though cause teenagers really know how to twist the knife so expect to feel unappreciated for a while yet!

QuickPeachPoet · 30/10/2025 11:32

Next time try 'that's nice dear'.

And stop letting him call you names, and practically begging him for love. And teach him to sleep in his own bed. You are his parent, not his friend.

Thelankyone · 30/10/2025 12:53

Have you apologised to your son, given him a hug, and reassure you’re not splitting up but if you ever did he’d be free to chose and you’d support him as both his parents love him, and of course you’d want him to live with you as you love him so much, but so would his dad, but it’s irrelevant as it’s not happening, and say how sorry you are for behaving in such a way, he didn’t say anything wrong.

hopefully you have and you’re not sat there on mumsnet, having not done so and making it worse.

Calliopespa · 30/10/2025 13:11

Agix · 30/10/2025 10:04

OP, it may not seem it right now, but you are the favourite parent. You're the safe parent. The trusted parent. Your son would feel your absence a lot more than he would feel his father's, even if he won't realise it until it happens.

You're the one he has outbursts around. You're the one he needs to sleep at night. You are safety.

Safety and security are everything to a kid, and when you do a good job at it they don't know it, and you've done such a good job he takes it for granted. But if he lost that? Then he'd know.

No, name calling and outbursts are not okay. This is not nice for you. But, if we're talking about who the most important parent is to this kid, in his own mind, it's you. You are safety. He feels safe letting go like that around you. I imagine he's not an aggressive or violent kid, and his outbursts are related to his ND? Yeah, you're safety.

If you ever did split with your DH, let your son go with his dad. If it ever happened, I would place bets that he'd be coming back once he realises himself (unless I found out you were actually really horrible to him or something lol)

Give him a cuddle and just tell him you love him no matter what, and that's why it hurt when he said he'd want to live with dad. Doesnt have to go any further.

I couldn't agree more with this.

It's really common for children to take their "rocks" for granted and to have rose-tinted glasses for those they feel are more elusive.

My mum used to get (light-heartedly!) irritated by a glamorous friend who was forever travelling and pursuing dalliances and generally quite a shit mum because her (semi-abandoned) children put her on such a gilded pedestal.

The truth was they were desperate for her attentions and so were very focused on her - where the other mums were calling bedtime and grumbling about mud on the carpet. But we all knew they were there for us in a way these other children simply didn't know with their mum. The idolisation was almost an attempt to convince themselves she was great because it hurt too much to accept she wasn't.

Not saying the situation is that extreme in op's household, (and I'm sure he's a great Dad) but just saying that children are rather impressed by the less completely "conquered" people in their lives. .

JadziaD · 30/10/2025 13:16

We all over react and behave like idiots around our children occassionally. The trick is to ensure you see it, accepte it, and fix it for the future. So 1. Obviously, tell him you were being super silly. 2. Think about why this was a particular trigger for you and what you can do about it in the future.

nutbrownhare15 · 30/10/2025 13:16

My six year old has told me she hates me several times. I don't take it personally because she's six. If I do get cross with her I make sure I apologise and say mummy shouldn't have shouted and I love you very much and I'm sorry. You can explain that the thought of not being able to live with him hurt you but that you are going to live together so don't need to worry about it any more. Then outside of your chat with your son it would be worth reflecting in your childhood dynamics and why his comment hurt you so much.

LoveSandbanks · 30/10/2025 13:24

I have three boys - all of them were "mummy's boys" when they were younger. If me and dh split up, they were going to stay with dh because (I shit you not) "dad makes hot dogs!"

It really is that simple in the eyes of kids, they say they want to live with the parent that lets them have biscuits in bed.

LibbyOTV · 30/10/2025 13:32

He was probably saying what he knew would get a reaction out of you - quite common. But you really need to work on your self esteem, insecurity and emotional regulation OP...

Have you tried therapy? If you're not sure where to start a 5 minute yoga with adriene at the start of each day started to shift my mindset

Brefugee · 30/10/2025 13:35

Daisydoo73 · 27/10/2025 17:47

I know I’m being an idiot and unreasonable I wasn’t looking for anyone to tell me otherwise as I totally know, and feel ashamed by it all, not quite sure how the best way to repair is now

nah you'Re being human. At 6 maybe he would understand your response rather than a lot of words?

But. Does your DH do more with your DS than you do? try to find something for the both of you in that case.

If he just admires DH from afar and you do all the grunt work, change that dynamic.

ldnmusic87 · 30/10/2025 13:45

Is your husband the good cop?

Calliopespa · 30/10/2025 13:49

nutbrownhare15 · 30/10/2025 13:16

My six year old has told me she hates me several times. I don't take it personally because she's six. If I do get cross with her I make sure I apologise and say mummy shouldn't have shouted and I love you very much and I'm sorry. You can explain that the thought of not being able to live with him hurt you but that you are going to live together so don't need to worry about it any more. Then outside of your chat with your son it would be worth reflecting in your childhood dynamics and why his comment hurt you so much.

I do this: "I'm sorry I got got cross, but this was what upset me about x."

What I find adorable is now when my dc get cross, they later come and say "Well Mummy, I'm sorry I got cross, but here's why it upset me..."

So somewhere along the line it registered and they appreciate it, as now they do the same.

I think @nutbrownhare15 's suggestion of saying you were upset because you hate the thought of not living with him, but in any case you are all together anyway is a perfect way to address it.