To ask for a relationship after meeting someone 3 times

[Pluto5]

Long story short, been single 3 years, I'm a widow. I tried online dating last November. I met a handful of men and they all pretty much said right from the get go they aren't looking for a serious relationship, even though their dating profile stated they were.

i prioritised a few men that lived closer to me, to casually date and have sex with: however this one lad talked to me most days on WhatsApp since May, I didn't overly like or fancy him he just used to pop up occasionally and send me funny voice notes.

i had surgery recently in September and when I told him he was very worried about me and we got closer, he's asked me to meet him for months but the distance of over an hour put me off. I agreed and we went to the cinema. I didn't overly find him attractive mainly because he dressed really chavvy in tracksuits. I do really like his personality though.

he booked a hotel and we had sex, he's really well endowed and was very affectionate. And without clothes and stupid hats, he's actually beautiful. Afterwards he messaged me saying he had a soft spot for me and could see him loving me in time. We met again and again got on fab.

now the trouble is he told me he cheated on his ex as she cheated on him, he seems really insecure, like he wants someone to love him. His ex had two miscarriages and it messed up her mental health. Apparently she owes him money from a house they lived in for 4 years but she refuses to give it him.

when I mentioned the subject of relationship he said he wasn't ready for that at all as he's been in two relationships back to back and only been single about 8 months. He also said he needs the money off his ex and if she finds out he is seeing anyone he won't get it and also he doesn't want to make her mental health worse as she's having counselling about the pregnancy losses.

Ive gone mad as I don't think he should have been on dating sites, plus he was the one who did all the chasing for months with me. I gave him an ultimatum last night either a relationship by the beginning of December or we leave it. He said it's too soon when we've only met 3 times and he's trying to get to know me and basically said I was being crazy.

I feel like I have anxious attachment, he would only text occasionally and it was never a problem before o started to like him, now I'm waiting on all texts. I keep thinking he will go back to his ex. I don't know what to do. He constantly asks me if I love him, which is weird but if I ask him the same he goes silent. He does FaceTime me every night now we've had sex for hours, but I don't know what to do.

He's seeking validation from you whilst probably still in a relationship.
In 8 months, what has he actually done about getting the money back?
Definitely a few red flags!

I don't really think you have a right to be mad at him, because you can't force someone into a relationship.

Some people need more time than others for many reasons.

But the buck stops with the fact if he was in love with you then a relationship would be a natural no brainer.

It's up to you if you want to stick around and see what develops (if anything) but you've no right to try to rush him.

You'd be better off dumping him.

FFS. Run away. "It's too soon for a relationship/Do you love me?" You've only met three times. You are both far too intense and waving red flags.

You're both waving more red flags than China.

No he's living with his sister, I know this as he FaceTimes me every night. Basically he has had two operations and he can't work at the minute either as he's recovering.

I wouldn’t be choosing to be in relationship with anyone who had only agreed because of an ultimatumed. He’s told sounds like he’s very immature emotionally, cheating in his ex as some kind of revenge instead of ending it and moving on? Sneaking around so he can still get money off his ex?

He’s told you he’s not ready and I’d believe that. It sounds like he just want to fuck you without commitment. I wouldn’t be shocked if he’s not still trying to or hoping to fuck his ex too. He’s saying what he knows will keep you in his bed. The size of his cock and his bedroom skills would not be enough to make me actively choose to commit to this man.

Dating apps have lots of men who like the chase and wooing women into opening their legs for them while knowing they have no intention of being in a relationship.

Really shouldn’t be this hard only three dates in.

None of you should be in a relationship right now, it seems. You've seen each three times. You don't love each other. You hardly know each other.

Sounds like he was a good shag. Take that and move on.

I assume you mean a committed romantic relationship? A relationship like that happens or it doesn't, how can you ask for a relationship with someone particularly when you've only met three times? What's he meant to do sign a contract?

To be honest, because of the last men it's made me try and jump quicker than I naturally would. I'd never have these conversations usually this fast, I think it's hard because he is a joker and if I'm being sweet he keeps saying " you love me don't you?" To which I don't reply, I keep thinking if he's been cheated on in both relationships like he claims he's a bit insecure. Like he's asked me to stop talking to others and he will do the same.

I couldn't live like that, not knowing where I stand, waiting for text's to arrive. Many years ago I was in that situation and I had to break it off for my own sanity. We wanted different things, I wanted commitment and he did not. I didn't want to wait around for him to decide.

I think I just want to know if he has plans of being open to a relationship in the future. I feel like I've made it awkward now, I feel a bit needy. I'm not usually like this.

Well go back to being natural then because the last men are not his problem.

Just like him being cheated on isn't yours.

There's no way I'd enter into a relationship with anyone who gave me an ultimatum.

I’m sorry, what is this mess!?! This is not two healthy adults meeting and falling in love, this is some sort of weird chaos that neither of you can handle. Just walk away.

This is really easy for a liar to set up. Don’t think just because he’s FaceTiming you from his sisters then he can’t possible still be fucking his ex or other women. My bil and his partner have had very rocky spells over their very long relationship and he has done just this. He spends most evenings at his sister’s home or his mums home, lies and says that’s where he’s living until he finds somewhere, sometimes he moves in for a few months and once his sister or mum get sick of him not standing on his own two feet, they tell him he needs to rent somewhere and he crawls back to his long term partner. It’s good for a while and he starts accusing her of cheating, gets co trolling if she’s on her phone, asking if she loves him, basically projecting all his own behaviour onto the women cos he knows he is sneaky and fucks around and doesn’t love the women, it makes him insecure that everyone is doing the same to him.

Says he could fall in love with you but doesn't want a relationship.
Is over an hour away
Has a load of baggage and drama from his last relationship.

I'd throw this one back.

He's asking you if you love him while telling y you he's not ready for a relationship?! Throw this one back, he's a head fuck

I don’t know how old you are, I can’t make any assumptions based on you being a widow incase your husband died young or you married a much older man. This reads like someone quite young though and I say this as a 32 year old so not massively old myself. It’s the sort of headfucking shit I went through in my late teens/early 20s.

He’s evidently still tied to the previous GF and possibly still shagging her hence not wanting a relationship with you. You weren’t massively unreasonable to state the fact you wanted something more serious after 3 dates and months of messaging but he told you all you need to know, he doesn’t want this. Men only say the “I could see myself loving you one day” if they’re never going to love you. He’s stringing you along, thinks you’re fun, great as a fuck buddy but nothing more.

Sorry but you’ve been through enough and he isn’t the one.

I'm 40 so not young but this new way of dating is all a headfry to me.

I don't get why he FaceTimes me every night etc if he just wants sex.

I've got more of an issue that I'm anxious waiting for him. Like it's triggered something in me.

I didn't even like him a few weeks ago, I wish I'd never had sex with him. Maybe I should cut contact

I'm not sure who's waving more red flags here, you or him.

This isn't healthy for either of you.

He’ll be asking you for money next.
do you want a life dealing with all his baggage ?
move on .

Kindly OP, what does the size of his appendage have to do with any of this?
Is it gold plated or something 🤔

I'd have some therapy rather than jump into a relationship/sex. I think you need some emotional guidance and advice. Not a bloke

You refer to him as a 'lad'. Is he 14 or something? The whole thing sounds rather sordid.

He’s not ready to be in a relationship, and has too much baggage.

I’d throw this one back. You didn’t even fancy him at first.

I agree, I just need to go back to not fancying him. I seem to keep doing this. Men I don't really find attractive pursue me and eventually I get feelings for them then they show their true colours. It's all rather annoying.

next time I think I'm going to be more assertive from the get go, I'm a bit of a people pleaser when I really should be firm!